Willingness (written 2/5/07)

Hello cute people.
This week, I've been thinking about FEAR - the big "F", trying to stay safe and being seen. Here we go!

Bill and I went to Costco (if anyone doesn't know - it's a giant warehouse store where you can buy large amounts o f things for cheaper) recently and had a check-out-person who was a man in his thirties with a face covered in what looked like acne. Every inch of his face had a red mark on it. He was a shorter man, thicker but not heavy, with hair that reached down to the base of his neck. It was a medium brown color and thin, and thinning on top. His face was very full looking with a rounder pug style nose and small eyes. I suppose, you could say that even without the acne, he would not have been very attractive , but there was nothing prohibitive about his looks - other than the acne - but even that, I felt equipped to overcome. But, it seemed, he did not.

Gruffly, he asked the woman behind us if a particular item was hers. He never looked up; he never made eye contact with me or Bill. There was no warmth to his voice, no effort to connect. He didn't want to be seen and he didn't want to take the chance on seeing anyone. I found myself wanting him to look up just for a moment, so I could connect to him a little, both for myself and to let him know that although the acne was seen, I was capable of seeing him as well. But clearly, he did not want to risk it. The experience emphasized for me how shame about yourself (in any way) closes you off from good. He looked like he was hating himself and hating us for seeing him. And this position leaves no room for anything better to come in.

This week, also, after having been interviewed about my book for my elementary/junior high alumni magazine by this lovely woman, she wrote me to ask if I might have a picture of myself to send. I had counted on her only running a picture of the cover of the book. When she asked for the picture, I have to admit, dread rolled through me. The desire not to be seen is fully present in me - just as it is in the unfriendly Costco worker. It doesn't matter that he seems to have a REASON and I don't; the feeling is there. This woman is so kind and unassuming, she assured me that if I wasn't comfortable with sending anything, it wasn't necessary. Quickly, my mind slipped this scenario on to see how it fit. Maybe it seem fine to pass! But it was no glass slipper to my cinderella self. I would have to cut off a toe or part of my heel (like the ugly stepsisters did ) to cram my foot into that one. Doing that was only going make me feel uglier inside and less authentic, confirming my already suspect belief there is reason to hide. Just like denying himself, and striving not to show ANY part of himself, was making our Costco friend feel uglier and less himself every moment. It's a tempting inclination, but one that only makes the situation worse.

I find myself thinking of a drawing my favorite art teacher made a long time ago. It was a very large (poster-sized) cartoon of a prisoner, dressed in his black and white striped uniform and hat. Attached to his ankle was a ball and chain, but the chain had broken and now the weight was separated from him. He was free! But his expression was of horror. She pointed out to us that sometimes when we find ourselves free, we're frightened of our new freedom. The "ball and chain" (whatever our version is), although restricting, makes us feel safe and grounded in some way even if we think we hate it and wish it gone.

I wonder if the Costco man's ball and chain of his skin condition isn't both hated by him for its RESTRICTION and also, on some level, clung to, for its SAFETY - after all, this way, he has given himself permission not to open to the world and take the risk of being and expressing his full self - which always requires letting go of worrying about what other people think, anyway. Is that the freedom he's afraid of? He may not be able to just step out of having the acne, but his thoughts are CHOSEN. He is free to think whatever he wants, he can step out of those thoughts if he summons the strength to make his choice from a place of caring about himself.

So willingness to be seen, known, heard, is freedom. And our unwillingness to compromise the integrity and authenticity of what we are, will enable us to find the slipper that does fit and will bring forth our Cinderella Self, the beautiful we already are.

I guess I'll be taking some pictures this week.

Lots of love to you.
All is Well.
Jen