Neutrality (written 5/21/07)

Hello wonderful people. I'm glad you're here! This week I'm thinking about Neutrality, Judging, and Folding Laundry. This week ONLY : 30% more relevant news!!! Come see!

I was grocery shopping the other day and feeling a little unwelcome in the world (I don't know - people just didn't seem friendly, I guess) when I came across a woman from the art store I go to sometimes. She works at the same store I used to many years ago, and my coworker from long ago, who still works there, has introduced us. I have spoken with her from time to time. Her name is Tina and I have never felt all that comfortable with her. She is an asian woman with long, thin black hair and a somewhat worn expression. And although she seems sweet, she can give off a kind of gruffness (what I've interpreted as dislike) and is very quiet.

So, here she was before me, carrying her grocery basket, me pushing my cart. I said, "Hi - I recognize you!" Uncomfortably she acknowledged me, but said nothing. I thought of saying something else to make the interaction feel more complete, but I thought it best to leave her alone. My mind began to race. It started with deciding the interaction was "bad" and branched out into the specifics of why I thought so. It seems I was assuming she doesn't like me, was actually unhappy to have to deal with me, thinks I'm a jerk, overly cheerful etc. As my mind started to DO THIS, I suddenly realized that I didn't have to. I could put myself in a more NEUTRAL position and see the interaction plainly. Here's where I started:

I DON'T KNOW TINA.

From there I allowed that thought to branch out. I don't know if she's shy, socially awkward, pre-occupied, hurt, scared, angry in general, confused, tired, worn out, ill, happy, perfectly fine, perfectly miserable. I don't know what she was thinking, feeling, or anything about her actual perceptions of me. I really couldn't say. Yes, I can guess. But there is always more to the story; there is always the balance. As I took the time to recognize this, something happened. The Interaction returned to its Original Neutral State and seemed benign. I ignored the urge to think those judgments and decided to just let it be NEUTRAL with no tags of interpretation or personalizing on it. And then, an interesting thing happened, I started to think about what I really wanted -which was to feel friendly and good with other people. And as my trip to the grocery store progressed I ended up interacting with this old Arab woman who was warm and enthusiastic and when I left, my checker said how much she had enjoyed talking with me. And I had enjoyed talking with her! And so there it was: I'd had the kind of experience I wanted, because instead of fixating on negative judgments on Tina (and me) and taking things PERSONALLY, I used my experience with her to help me focus on what I did want and allowed the original experience to sort of Fade Away. I just left it.

Here's another example:
Last night, Bill came to me and asked me to fold the laundry. I don't know if you remember from a previous JEN NEWS, but I've had some issues with folding the laundry - which is my job, but one that I prefer doing on my own volition with no outside prompting. It's very early in the week, so I'm not running behind, but it was already piling up. As per usual, I didn't like him coming to me. There seems to be a feeling of SHAME that overtakes me before anything else can be said, and then I'M MAD. At any rate, his innocent request was met with inner Annoyance and outward Cooperation. But as the evening wore on, I FORGOT. And at 10:30 I happened to enter the laundry room and REMEMBERED. Now I was really mad, because now I was tired, and now I was feeling VICTIMIZED. My throat tightened and this sense of Unreasonable Frustration seemed to urge me on to some form of babyish retaliation. So, the judgmental thoughts began - that would be my form of fighting back, with me the only victim (unless Bill had the unfortunate inclination to walk by).

I knew I didn't want to be in this frame of mind and remembering my Tina Experience,wondered how I could allow this experience to be NEUTRAL, also. And then it occurred to me: I had made Bill bad and wrong for asking, and then I'd gone on and made myself bad and wrong for forgetting. And the whole reason I had made Bill bad and wrong for asking was that I had made myself bad and wrong for some how not having ALREADY gotten to the laundry.
So, there it was.
Did there have to be anything actually bad and wrong about Bill asking? No. Did there have to be anything bad and wrong about me forgetting? No. And when I determined this, it allowed me to no longer PERSONALIZE the experience and leave behind any Emotional Charge. It wasn't a seamless transition from Snippy to Sublime, but I did understand that I have the power to influence my experience by resisting the urge to judge and allowing situations to NOT BE ABOUT ME, but instead, be USEFUL TO ME as a guide toward what I really want.

This week I'm going to strive not to judge things, for I'm finding my sense of power comes not from determining what's good or bad, but in determining what I want and working to create that.

All is Well.
Lots of Love,
Jen