Desire for Connection (written 3/12/07)

Hello everyone! This week's NEWS is about realizing and reaching for your true priority and going towards that. Let's take a look.

Over a year ago, Sawyer (as I've described before) was having a very hard time. He was in an Inclusion Program at his school which offered support for him while he attended a regular classroom throughout the day, but he was taxing their resources because he was in need of so much attention. He was unable to sit at his desk for very long; he was acting out, pretending, and off in his head almost all the time. His behavior was inappropriate often, his voice too loud, his ability to modify what he was doing was near to nil. He'd had such a significant language delay that he was still running far behind the curve in terms of his receptive and expressive language which made it even more stressful for him to be there. Being over-stimulated by the classroom sent him off into pretending and pretending, of course, is not conducive to following directions, listening, or staying on task. I was extremely worried and fearful.

Then one day, I came across a book about a family who had worked with their child with Autism. Their son, who had been born in the late sixties, was completely unresponsive and consumed with his own world. At eighteen months, he would make no eye contact, refuse being held, and would engage in repetitive behaviors they called "isms". From a lack of external resources/support and a strong desire to have a relationship with him, they developed their own program to help bridge the gap between where he was to the "outside" world. One of the main concepts in the book has to do with what they call "Joining". "Joining" is the act of participating in the behavior the other person's engaged in, in order to be doing something with them, be in relation to them. So, if you've got a kid who won't come out of where they "are" to be with you on your terms, you, instead, go to where they are. At least, this way, you have put yourself in greater relation to them. What happens is that when you join a child like this, where they once ignored you, they often now start to recognize you because instead of trying to drag them into your world, you're showing a willingness to enter theirs.

I started working with this concept with Sawyer. When he ran back and forth, flapping his hands and pretending, I ran with him. I flapped with him. Soon, he told me not to "copy" him, but when I explained that I wanted to play with him and didn't relent, he started taking the lead and what was, at first, isolated play, became a game we played together. It wasn't long before he started looking for me to copy him and join him. Bill and I both applied ourselves to spending more time with him, to being with him on his terms and to gradually attempting to introduce a broader range of experience. Having any kind of closer relationship with Sawyer became the priority that allowed us to start building the bridge to the outside world for him. Whereas before our priority had been on How He Had to Be and How Things Had to Be in order to be OK, now it was just about wanting to be closer to him - and that was achievable.

After we started this, the special ed. teacher at his school experienced a huge turn around in his behavior and their ability to work with him. And from there, he was on a new course. It is a long road and there is still much for all of us to learn, but it was the SHIFTING OF OUR PRIORITIES that changed the course of our experience. We shifted off of how we thought things had to be and onto what we really wanted which was to feel close, connected, and loving with Sawyer. With that intention, a lot of confusion began to clear.

Here's another clue:
Recently, I got very down and fearful and felt that I had many things to do and a dread around all of them. These were all related to promotional things I felt I should do for my book. Suddenly nothing felt good or right; I felt that failure was in the air; every action seemed pointless. I was worried about each step I was taking and I was worried about taking a step because I wanted it to be the right one and I was afraid that it wouldn't lead to what I wanted. Then one day, after many days of this self-torture, I found myself wondering this: "What if it's actually more important for me to be Calm and Peaceful than to make sure everything turns out a certain way? What if it's actually more important for me NOT to worry than it is for me to get these things done?"

I started turning this idea over. What would it mean to make my first priority: Not Worrying or Being Calm & Peaceful? Could it actually be more important than those things? I tried it on and I experimented with letting go of this sense of URGENCY I was continually feeding and building upon. What if the urgency was false? What if it wasn't real? What if it didn't have to be?

In shifting my priorities over to Not Worrying, over to this sense of Calm, I was shifting over to being more loving towards myself. It meant putting down the BATTLE and the FIGHT and joining myself, not just trying to get myself to be or do certain things. And just like with Sawyer, it is an opportunity to be closer, to have what I actually want which is the experience of connection and love. And out of connection and love grow stability, security, and the confidence to reach out which always leads to Doing, but this time from a place of joy.

Take your priority off of what you think has to be and how it has to be in order for you to feel good and let the worry subside. Replace it with the willingness and desire for CONNECTION however it comes. Because you just know that it will be enough.

Thanks you guys. I wish you a great week.
Lots of love.
All is Well.
Jen