Howdy! The emotional terrain's been tricky, but I want to keep going! Here's what's on my mind this week: To Suffer or not to Suffer and Letting it Go. Here we go!
To Suffer or Not to Suffer. . . .
About eight years ago, Bill and I were looking at houses, hoping we'd be able to buy one. At the time, we were living in a TownHouse apartment which was quite nice, but only had two rooms, and we'd just had Sawyer. The search was not so easy as we didn't have an inordinate amount of money to work with, and we didn't want to move far away from the area we liked. At one point, Bill had gone out with the real estate agent and returned excited. They'd seen the most spacious house so far, in good shape - it wouldn't need any fixing up at all. It had a large yard etc. Bill pressed me to go and see it soon, as he felt we were under some pressure to act. And so we went.
As soon as we arrived, my heart sank. There was nothing beautiful about this house, but then, perhaps, we couldn't be so choosy. We went inside - as Bill showed me how perfectly fine the whole house was and I saw, for myself, how much room there was, and even when I went downstairs to the basement which was large and bright and would be right for my studio space -I was feeling a heaviness that was becoming unbearable. Gradually, it was getting more and more painful for me to be there. My mind understood how this house fit the description of what we were needing and looking for, but my emotional self was completely overwhelmed and upset. Finally, almost unable to breath, I left with them and once we got in the car, I burst into tears. I had felt something in that house that was so strong and so unhappy I could barely stand it - never mind, buy it and live in it. Neither Bill nor the real estate woman had felt it.
Later, we found out a little about the house. The man who was selling it - a strange, depressed sort (as described by Bill) had lived just down the street from his parents who had lived there since it had first been built. They had also died there. As my memory recalls, there was implication that either one or both had suffered a hard, prolonged illness there.
This story came back to me yesterday when I was considering the emotional struggles/patterns I routinely return to. I realized that when I feel upset or uncomfortable about something, about ANYTHING, I am making a choice to Suffer it. And when I make that choice, I am saying, in essence, "I know being in that 'place' makes me feel awful, makes me hurt, fills me with pain and discomfort, but I must go back in there!" Just like that house. Except that I would never have asked myself to even WALK past that house again, but in terms of My House of Emotional Misery, I am willing to send my Self back in there again and again. And I tell myself I must go back "in there" because I believe that by enduring the distress, I will end the pain, conquer it and become strong enough to never feel it again. But it is not our job to think negative and painful thoughts and then attract negative, painful experiences that we then have to endure and prove ourselves through. It's our job to create what is loving and nurturing, to take care of ourselves.
Now I ask myself , "How long do you want to suffer this?"
Because the decision is in my hands. And if the answer is, "No more" then I must say, "I'm done." and I don't get to send my energy, my Self, my spirit back into that painful place. No matter how much I think I "have" to feel that way, or think that way, I decide NOT to follow and develop those trains of thought that are so painful, knowing now that it is the emotional distress, itself, that is cluing me in that I am on the wrong track.
Every now and I again, I have dreams of losing my teeth. And they're quite dramatic - a lot of screaming and panicking - usually it's a few teeth or just one. There is always a sense of disbelief. In one tooth dream, I was very upset, holding the teeth in my hand, still somewhat panicked, when I became LUCID. I said to myself - "I think this is a dream. If this is a dream, when I open my hand and drop these teeth, nothing will hit the floor." And that's what I did, and nothing hit the floor. And I knew and I awoke.
I think that in life, when we let go of what we're so afraid of, of suffering the "evidence" of it, we realize there was nothing there in the first place. I think that choosing not to Suffer With, to calm yourself, to open your hand and Let It Go (the thoughts/the lies/the painful ideas) you are holding, always results in the problem going away, always results in healing. I believe it, I believe it, I believe it. Now I have to practice it!
All is Well.
Lots of Love,
Jen
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