Waiting For the Sneeze (written 5/28/07)

Hello great peoples. This week I am thinking about Rejection, Withholding, and Sneezes. So, let's kick into gear and do it!

This week, Bill has received several rejection letters from agents in regards to his most recent novel he's currently sending out. Emotionally, he has come a long way in terms of coping with a process he has often considered frustrating and painful. I've seen him receive other letters of this nature and seen him take charge of his thoughts and emotions and simply not take himself to the bad place conclusion. This week, however, it was more challenging and he found himself , as I sometimes say, "at the bottom of the pond". He went with it. He went with the old thought that What He Wants is simply not to be. What could be more painful than that? And then, he started blaming himself, looking for the ways in which he has been "wrong" or had done something "wrong" because why else would he be "failing?"

Bill's pain wasn't the inevitable outcome of some rejection letters (as he's received others before and not been take so low), it was a result of rejecting himself at that moment and wanting to Control what was happening outside of him which leads one to a place of despair and feeling powerless.

This week, also, Sawyer took a somewhat unofficial, yet powerful stand against Moving his Bowels. And so, much of the week was spent with us as eye-witnesses to his dedicated state of Withholding. And it wasn't pretty a couple times, as there is only so much the body will tolerate before it starts to DEMAND you do the right thing by it. But still, he continued, until finally one day when Bill was arguing with him and asking that he sit upon the mighty throne once again, Sawyer howled out, "I AM GOING TO DO IT MY WAY!" I looked at Bill. There it was, couldn't be any clearer. Yes, of course, he has to do it his way, and of course he has to be in command, and of course, that is what every parent wants for their child -that the child take the reigns and lead themselves, guide themselves, trust themselves, make choices, decisions, pathways for themselves. Autonomy is the name of the game, always, in parenting, for one is always striving to help the child become more able to act independent of you. Here's the catch.

Sawyer's approach to obtaining a sense of Command was not unlike the approach many of us try. He decided to take charge by trying to Control SOMETHING. He chose a bodily function. But the problem was, the more he tried to Control, the more out of control he began to feel, and the more out of control the thing he was trying to control became. The sense of safety and command-over that he wanted became more and more elusive as what he really wanted was to feel his own authentic POWER not, actually, power over externals.

Both Bill and Sawyer wanted a sense of their own power, and both fell into a pattern of trying to control in order to feel it. Bill felt that the letters were standing between him and feeling good and so he inadvertently started rejecting the rejectors and then rejecting himself in order to gain some feeling of power. But rejecting himself just made him feel awful. Sawyer, also, wanted control over how he was feeling, but the tact he took was also a BATTLE AGAINST HIMSELF, and one which he was sure to lose.

Recently, I found myself thinking of an old song I used to listen to when I was a kid. It is a Barbra Streisand song in which she describes wanting diamonds, fancy gowns, hats with plumes etc. (as a child). And she determines that if she should sneeze, it will all come to her. So, she begs the powers that be to let her sneeze. Then, the song goes on to describe how time passes and she's realized she doesn't really want all those things. And she sings her decision, "Once I was slave to a sneeze, but sneezing it just a disease. A rose is a rose, and a nose, just a nose."

We often think that if we can just GET something, or STOP something from happening, or BE something different than we are, we will be happy. If we can just control the externals, we'll be able to feel good, finally. But that is just our "sneeze" we're waiting for. Whether it's rejection letters, or our body, or our child's behavior, or the way we look, or the way another person has responded to us, we're still a slave to waiting for something outside us, or trying to control something outside us in order to feel good.

Sawyer did it "his way" but of course, he could have done it his way and not put himself (and his body) under that stress.

So, this week, I want to do it my way, without putting myself under the stress of BATTLING AGAINST anything (myself included). And, in this way, THRIVE. And, of course, I wish the same for all of you!

Lots of love.
All is Well.
Jen