Fighting For (written 2/26/07)

Hi fellow travelers. I hope you are well and focused on what you want - which his sometimes, a little tricky. This week I'm thinking about the Urge to Change, Resistance, taking out the garbage, haircuts, and The New Jen . Here are my stories.

Bill and I tend to divide up all the chores quite equitably. He washes the clothes, I fold them. I do Sawyer's homework with him; he reads with him. When there's no homework, we trade off on the nights we read with him. Back and forth turns with the dishes, and who cleans the bathroom and the living room each week. One chore we share is taking out the kitchen garbage and recycling. This is an area in which Bill wins the Blue Ribbon and I come in a humble: Participated Without Honors. In the past, I've had a kind of complacent apathy. You could call it procrastination; you could call it laziness; you could call it annoying. I wait LONGER than the average man named Bill to take it out. And this can get to said man. So, this has been a point of contention between him and me since we began living together. He has learned to deal with it, by taking it out for me(even though I do get to it -eventually). This solution has displeased me greatly as I always feel GUILTY and angry. I've always experienced his taking out the garbage (when it's my turn) as a kind of passive aggressive statement of disapproval. Now, one would think I would have changed because of these uncomfortable feelings. But I have not. This dynamic has continued to occur on and off with the same emotional charge around it.

Recently, I saw that the recycling was stuffed. Sometimes, when "my" recycling is overfilled and the garbage is not yet full, Bill will take it and empty it for me. This time, I decided to do it for him. Upon my return I found myself saying out loud, "Bill is going to be stunned! This is all part of the new Jen!" And as I was doing it, I found myself wondering what else nice I could do for Bill. And then, it occurred to me: his taking out the garbage for me all those years had been a NICE thing. I had been so busy feeling bad about myself, I'd never felt grateful. I then decided to take out his garbage for him that week. And when I did, and he noticed, I told him that it was in thanks for all the times he'd done it for me. And we were both so triumphant about the moment that we hugged! I realized then, from the expression on his face, how I had so missed the boat in my stubborn position. He looked genuinely happy. It meant something to him. I had been fighting against something all these years, but I'm not even sure what - resisting something I thought really SHOULD BE RESISTED. But clearly, I was way off track.

All right, we need more clues. One more story.

I cut Max's hair. I don't do a fabulous job; sometimes it's better than other times. Overall, it's fine and he's fine with it. Usually I have to harangue him into cutting it. He often makes the argument that he "likes it this way". His hair is thick and wavy and gets to looking a bit like an ill-groomed wig by a certain length. He refuses to comb it and so I 've believed, in the past, that the smartest approach is to keep it pretty short. This time, he needed a hair cut, but I decided not to mention it. I decided that we should let his hair grow out a bit, and maybe, I could try to cut it differently. I often feel like my haircuts are not quite up to snuff ( a little training might help). At first Max was comfortable with this as he always resists haircuts, but then, after a while, he decided he needed one, but I did not want to cut it. So, for a while, he was kind of haranguing me to cut his hair. All of a sudden, where once was a boy who didn't want a haircut and didn't want it so short, there was now a boy asking for it to be cut as short as possible and as soon as possible. I delayed. And because of Max's distractedness, he forgot.

Finally, it had gotten long enough so that I felt ready. He complained again, and this time I told him I would cut it. He told me to remind him and I did, but when I when I did, he refused! I tried again several times, and again, he refused. I felt this frustration, irritation, self-righteousness emotional cocktail rise within me. I was about to make a worse mess, when I pulled myself from the interaction and strove to think about it in a different way. What was going on? He wanted a haircut; he'd told me he did.

Later I realized that he was angry and why would you want a the person you're angry with to cut your hair? You wouldn't. I wouldn't want a chef I was angry at to cook my dinner and I wouldn't want a doctor I was angry at to perform my operation. And that's when I understood that the whole household was a bit off. Everyone's mood was a little irritable and distracted, and Bill and I weren't paying particularly good attention to the kids. There it was. Bill and I regrouped, had a family day the next day, changed our focus a bit, and the next thing I knew Max was happily ready for his haircut. No problem.

There is a reason for RESISTANCE and it's not useful to explain it as stubbornness. This doesn't provide insight. Everyone wants something; we all want to feel good. I was resisting complying with Bill's garbage request because I felt I didn't like the kind of attention he was paying me; I felt unappreciated and berated. Max didn't like the kind of attention and energy he was receiving. He was feeling bad too. So, we both put up resistance. But all resistance does is block the flow and makes you lock onto the painful feeling you wish to be rid of. When I stopped resisting , my perspective changed. When I stopped fighting against, I started wanting to fight for - for the good between me and the people I love. And the flow returned. And there was no unreasonable compromise requested of anyone; there was no cowing to, complying with; there was no loss of personal power for anyone involved, in fact, just the reverse, power was restored to ALL INVOLVED. And so was balance.

I send you all much love.
All is Well.
Jen