Hello Shoppers (written 10/2/06)

Hello shoppers.
I wanted to get back to you all on my progress in terms of buying clothing for myself. I did venture into the mall last week (after having a very bad time of it some days earlier) and I found myself in Victoria's Secret. This is not the place I would consciously send a person with my style of wobbly psyche- off the bat. There is a kind of therapy for those who suffer from phobias in which the item or experience one is afraid of is introduced in small and manageable increments until the phobic person can cope a bit better with the full-on experience. Going into Victoria's Secret could ( in the language of one afraid of spiders) be considered the TARANTULA of shopping endeavors.

It was not as bad as it could have been. I began by picking out a bra and then looking for some panties. Luckily, the salespeople consisted of a fifty-something manager type - practical in every way, and a tiny slender little young woman with zero bravado. I entered the dressing room and was faced with a very large full-length mirror at the top of which read the word, "STRIP" in hot pink fluorescent lettering. Although there was no music, no pole, and no onlookers with dollar bills hanging from their desperate, weary fingers, I still felt self-conscious.

As I tried on my few items, it wasn't long before my brain had decided it had figured out what Victoria's Secret is: that Jen's thighs are a bit thick, her legs veiny, her breasts too small and overall, she just looks weird. Knowing, however, that this is not what I am here to learn, I tried to steady myself and avoid falling into the abyss of self-loathing long enough to buy one pair of panties and feel reasonably good about my experience there. It was terrain I was afraid of and I had begun the JOURNEY, after all. That's pretty good. If I am looking for Changing to feel good all the time, or for externals (or my old way of thinking) to reassure me that I am okay, I'm bound to give up. And I don't want to give up. Those thoughts I had in the Victoria's Secret dressing room are reflective of one way of seeing myself, but I'm interested in seeing myself NEW. If I stand and sob over that, I believe, I'm just locking myself into the OLD. So, I must be brave and strong, fellow travelers, and allow myself to think something I haven't tried before.

I heard someone say that when you hate yourself, it's not yourself you're hating, you're hating a thought you're having about yourself. So, let's get real. Tough love, I say!

Thanks for listening.
All is Well.
Have a great week.
Lots of love,
Jen