It's Safe (written 4/16/07)

Hi, this week's JEN NEWS is about The Usefulness of HIVES and Going Forward .
So get the calamine and come on!

About a year ago, Bill was going through a big transition. He realized he hadn't been writing the kinds of stories he most wanted to write and had, unconsciously, curtailed himself in what he allowed himself to explore. One day he junked the book he was working on and struggling with, and started writing a new book that was what he was really interested in. For him, at that time, it felt like an enormous risk . He had, unconsciously, made up rules of how he had to write and what it had to be like in order to be "right". Inadvertently he'd set up a dynamic in which he had to deny many of his own drives and interests in order to be "successful" or to think he stood a chance at being successful. So, when he began writing his new book and freeing himself, it felt somewhat radical and dangerous to him, as though the thing someone had told him he should never tell, he was now blurting out all over the place.

Then, one day, he wrote a line that, apparently, was deeply symbolic of revealing this truth he had once believed he was never supposed to reveal. Writing this line was shaking to him. Soon thereafter, his body began to react. He got a hives-like rash on his arms and part of his torso, his ears turned red, and eventually, the "thing" landed around his eyes like the Lone Ranger's mask and made him puff up, peel , and scale for about a week. But all through it, he never went to the doctor, for his instinct told him, that, energetically, he had just removed a mask he had been insisting he wear for his whole life, and now his fear of this exposure was overtaking him. Eventually, his face stopped peeling off, his neck and ears calmed down and all returned to normal - once he had integrated the new information: that he was daring to move forward as himself.

Last Spring, Max was wrapping up elementary school and was preparing to go on to Middle School. He seemed to be handling it okay, when, as the days passed, his skin began erupting. I looked under his shirt and found his back covered with welts. He looked like he had been whipped. I recognized them as hives and watched as hour after hour, they would retreat and return, and show up in new places. All the while, he insisted he was fine and that they always calmed down when he got to school. I went with it for several days, hoping to see evidence of them retreating completely, when one day, his lip ballooned out. He looked so god-awful, so distorted, his back was still a mess, and his feet were swollen. I did not want to send him to school. Again, he insisted (although this time with screaming) that once he got to school it would be okay. It was then that I understood what was going on: he was afraid of the change of leaving his usual schedule. It wasn't so much that he loved the school and was torn about leaving it; he was afraid of the disruption of schedule and loss of order that he was USED to - the same old same old. So, every time he returned to school, his body would calm down because his emotions settled because they had their usual scheduled order, and when he returned home, thoughts and feelings of being without this schedule would fill him (consciously or unconsciously) and his body would go into its "allergic" reaction to the news, again.

That day we talked about leaps of faith and going into new things without knowing what is to come, and his body no longer had any need to react to the news with such panic.

Most recently, Sawyer has been going through a similar dynamic. It started several weeks ago when his special ed teacher let us know how "away" he had been - meaning he was in his head, pretending and difficult, if not impossible, to reach. When he arrived home that day, we witnessed his being more "away" than we had in a very long time. Bill and I hung in there, although it was so distressing, because we've seen Sawyer go into a big "retreat" at times when he is about to take another leap in his development. It almost seems like he is being pushed (from the inside and out) to change and grow and he becomes fearful and so leans on old more extreme habits of "being away" for comfort.
Soon after, he broke out in hives. Just as those had pretty much gone away, a new batch arrived only this time with a vengeance. His face ballooned out, his feat ballooned out, his neck, his arms, his back and torso; it was like a wave of energy rushing through him. One moment, his face looked battered, the next, it was much calmer, but his neck had a web of red on it. And so on. And this has been going on for several days now. Yesterday, his feet were so swollen he said he couldn't walk, but by evening, he was walking; today he says they are only bothering him a little. There is an urge, as a parent, to panic (and leap into action), but the truth, that I'm discovering is, it is always FAITH that soothes; it is always TRUST that calms and the willingness to ride the waves knowing they will be okay is what transfers to the children the information they are most desperate to receive: THEY ARE SAFE. And IT IS SAFE FOR THEM TO GO FORWARD.

So, there it is. It is safe for you to go forward - in whatever area of your life is now presenting itself - as YOURSELF for yourself.

I hope this letter finds you all doing great.
Much Love.
All is Well,
Jen