The Perfect Decision (written 5/14/07)

Hello fellow travelers. This week NEWS is about Decisions and Allowing yourself to be happy. More complicated and seemingly challenging than one might imagine. So, put on a big SMILE and let's go! How bad could it be?

Max's 12th birthday is coming up and we asked him how he would like to celebrate. Out of the gate, he said he did not want to celebrate it at all. Not just no party - no cake or ice cream. He was willing to concede on receiving presents. As is Max's way, as time passed, however, he reconsidered his original "NO". And once he started reconsidering his "No", he has clearly been overwhelmed with the possibilities and choices and seemingly daunting nature of making a DECISION. And so we've heard some "Yes's" and many "No's". We, as parents, have remained very quiet, and we have made varied suggestions. We have watched coins be tossed, tears flow; we've heard cries of exasperation and final declarations that it is too "complicated" "too much work" "too confusing" "too hard" and even, "Impossible".

On the drawing board, Max has "hosted" birthday parties to Game Works (a video game arcade), Seattle Center (amusement park), he has taken all his friends to a movie, and he has had a simple run-of -the-mill style party at home. But the one thing all these ideas have in common is Max's extreme angst over choosing any of them. The Decision seemed daunting and allowing us to decide, equally impossible.

Finally, this past weekend, I decided I wanted to help Max MAKE A DECISION. I wanted Max to have the experience of Listening to Himself, trusting his own guidance and know the feeling of being capable of making a decision. I felt that even though I'd thrown out suggestions and tried to be of use, that I'd never really supported him in figuring it out for himself, confidently. So, I focused with all my might on this objective and together we walked through the subject until we could access what he wanted, and TRUST whatever came. He arrived at a home-based party, with more invitees than I'd guessed he'd want, and some fun games and things to do. It was over. Max was finally able to ALLOW what he wanted, take a chance, and let it go. The invitations go out today.

Here's another tale of allowing the good and letting go, but from another angle.
A little less than a month ago, we started a new incentives program for Sawyer. If he stays on task and focused and does his homework on his own, he earns what we call a "Focus Medal". I started this program in the hopes that it would build on his confidence around his schoolwork and his capability to do it on his own. He's been very motivated by it, as the deal is that when he earns fifteen medals, he can get a toy of (pre)specified price.

Well, by this past Saturday, he was up to twelve focus medals. Amazingly close! However, because there's no homework on the weekends, he complained that he had no opportunity to earn more and get the toy sooner. In order to circumnavigate this glitch, he decided to ask for "Claw Crusher" - a cheaper toy that he believed should only require twelve medals. We suggested instead that he could do some math worksheets at home, earn the rest of the medals and get "Claw Crusher" (not a more expensive toy - as the last medals were not earned by homework). Off he went! Focus, focus, focus (one would never know this was the child who regularly drapes his tired and fit-throwing body over me in reaction to school work).

The next day, we took him to Toys R Us - a trip that should have been triumphant. Yes?
Upon arriving , he grabbed a more expensive toy off the shelf and told us he had changed his mind. When we explained that the deal was for "Claw Crusher", the tears began, the red face began, the overly-loud-attention-grabbing voice began. Eventually, we managed to extricate ourselves and our child from the store (Jeffrey the Giraffe was there!). Sawyer spoke much of failing, of not getting what he wanted, of us not allowing him "success". I pointed out that he'd had a plan - to get "Claw Crusher" and that he got it! What could define success more clearly? If one defines success as Getting What You Want, didn't he succeed? Ah, but the second he could have the experience of Success, his mind raced ahead and changed the terms - it was onto the next thing and so now, getting what was once wanted was no longer indicative of Success. Now the previously coveted Claw Crusher was CRAP! But was it really?

Upon arriving home, he built his toy and began playing with it joyously.

Here's my point, and I do have one, I think: Both the boys wanted their DECISIONS to make them HAPPY, but in the end, it was up to them to either Allow those decisions to serve them or not. It didn't matter whether Max chose a trip to an amusement park, or had one kid over or ten, it all had to do not with his Decision of place/time/people but with his Decision to be happy, to take a chance, and to trust. And the same goes for Sawyer - the other toy would have brought him no more joy, so why all the pain? It was because, in the moment of RECEIVING WHAT HE WANTED, he saw the next new thing he thought might be "better" and did not trust and allow himself to be happy with what he had in the moment, as well as dreaming the new dream.

So, the perfect Decision is only perfect if you decide it is so and when you decide that, Happy can't help but follow - because you've allowed it in.

Have a great week everyone!
All is Well.
Lots of love,
Jen