Paying Forward the Zero (written 10/30/06)

This week showed progress, with new thoughts about what I wish to offer the world and the control I have over what I give.

Remember last week when I wrote of being in the fifth grade and being put on a Rating Sheet by my friend Hilary? I received a "0" in looks (on a scale of 0-100). Well, there is actually another part to this story. And here it is.

Sometime that same fifth grade year, I received a gift in my cubby (where we used to keep our books). It was a cardboard jewelry box with a yellow foam insert, a bright "gold" chain with a flower like charm and red stone for the center covered with a clear plastic lid . I recognized it as being one of the "birthstone" necklaces I'd seen sold for $2.95 , at a small toy shop near my home. It came with a note which said I had a Secret Admirer. After declaring his affection for me, he asked that I write him back and place the note in the phonebook that lay on a podium outside the nurse's office. My mind raced.
I was cynical. I was upset and sure that if this wasn't a joke, then it was the out-reachings of an outsider type - one who was mentally and/or physically odd or awkward. I didn't want to be admired by the sweet and the trampled open hearted, somewhat rejected people - or so I thought (fearing being one of them). But the truth was, I was much more ready to accept being a zero in someone's eyes, than I was a 100. And this was my turn at the 100.
I ran to the nurse's office and shoved the necklace (and perhaps the note too? Was I that cruel?) inside the now lumpy phone book. And I ran away. And that felt awful. That felt just as awful as getting the zero, actually worse because what I was doing, in actuality, was not being "realistic" or protecting myself, I was just paying that zero forward so that, that little boy (whoever he was ) could now feel just as bad as I had felt and did still feel about my self. And so, it goes.
The truth is that Hilary had pain in her life and was paying forward her own zero (where her self-image was wobbly), for what we believe about ourselves DOES color how we see the world and others. Our love and acceptance of ourselves is important, not just for us, but for everyone. Without it, we will find it near to impossible to trust and accept the good that comes our way, and to create true warmth and connection where it is lacking.
I bought more clothes last week and am realizing that my self-image is something that not only affects my feelings about myself but what I am able to pay forward out in the world. It is time for the zero to be put to rest - for the good of humanity.

Have a great week everyone!
All is well.
Lots of love,
Jen