Okay, well, this week I learned that taking new steps comes in all forms and it is safe to go forward, but one must practice this to really know it. Let me explain.
This year, as part of my effort to get "out" more and grow, I decided to go on field trips with Sawyer's class. The first opportunity that came along, I took, and accompanied the class to the zoo. On this trip, I was glad to have the chance to chat with his teacher, Theresa Healey. As we spoke, I mentioned I had written a children's book (that was coming out in April) and perhaps, I could come to the class and read to them from it around that time. She was enthusiastic.
Now we skip ahead many days to last week when I received a phone call from Julie, the "room parent" for Ms. Healey's class, who was looking for people to read to the kids for the last fifteen minutes of the day on Thursdays. Could I do it this coming Thursday? Remembering my pledge to myself, I, although at first reticent (thinking I might delay the experience), agreed. Once I got off the phone, I was very excited and happy (after all, this is what I was wanting - get out, connect, and its related to my goals for my own book).
The day arrived quickly with me concerned about What To Read. I wanted to read a chapter from Winnie the Pooh, but after looking it over, I was worried it would be too long. I was having trouble coming up with other ideas that I liked. My mind ruminated. It was early morning; I was playing with Sawyer, as we always do before I take him to school, but this time, I was distracted with books and reading to the class. Finally, it was time to go. I grabbed Sawyer's backpack and my purse and we headed out the door to the car. My body headed out the door. My mind played chase-the-answer-to-my-problem with "What book shall I read?" And then, I turned my ankle.
But I didn't just turn it, it turned me. I threw my bag down; I cursed; I wept; I breathed hard and fast. Sawyer watched as I hopped and hobbled, trying to calm myself. He tried to help by bending down to lift my pant leg in an attempt to give my ankle a kiss, but I was still in the stage of having to clutch it and stagger around dramatically and could not accept his doctoring. He even apologized as though he were responsible and I had to take a brief respite from all the hoo-ha to explain it wasn't his fault. After a little bit of time, his little calm voice rang out, "Mom, I've never seen you this upset before." That is probably true, I thought. Collecting myself as best I could, I hobbled to the car and drove him to school, feeling guilty over any worry he might be feeling. When I returned home, I burst into tears again as though the needle had been returned to its' record.
As I cried and hobbled around, collecting a bag of ice and dumping myself on the couch for triage, I knew I was crying for more than just having turned my ankle. This pain was emotional not just physical. The physical had given me an opportunity to release the emotional. And so WHAT IS IT?! I asked myself resentfully. WHAT THE HELL IS IT, NOW?!
Well, I just have some mixed feelings about going forward is all, as per usual. I've been working to buy new clothes, to make some promotional connections for my book when it comes out, all in the name of changing and Getting Myself Out There. I am asking that bookstores and schools take me in and have me speak and read to groups of children about my book. And here I was, all lined up with my first kind of "Practice Run" at a school, reading to kids! And low and behold, I was a little scared of taking the next step and had allowed my mind to leave the present moment and wander off on its own (always trouble). And so, down, I went, as much as a I wanted it. I was crying because of how much I wanted to go forward and how painful it feels sometimes. I believe that if I had been willing to stay present and a bit uncomfortable - to feel my feelings- I would not have had to turn my ankle in order to acknowledge it. It is, after all, safe for me to feel what I'm feeling and still go forward. But this is a new idea for me and one I am working to learn.
My CLOSET has many new clothes in it these days. There are two bags with new things, still folded inside. There are things on hangers with the tags still on. Now my work doesn't just consist of going to the mall and buying things, now it's about WEARING NEW THINGS. I've sat wearing a new item with the tag still hanging off the arm, struggling over whether or not I should take the "chance" and cut it off. I've had to make myself do it, at those moments, and face whatever pretend phantom still has its hold on me. CHANGE, ladies and gentlemen, change demands cutting off the tags and owning the new and when it was time for me to take that next step and read to a group of children, I had to cut off the tag on that, also, and WEAR it and OWN it. And it went just fine. And my ankle's getting better.
So, this week, cut a tag or two on things you wish for as part of your own New Life and let them finally belong to you, owned, and claimed. You can feel uncomfortable and still be safe going forward because when you do, you practice having what you want, and you soon get better at it. I've promised myself that I will wear something new each day this week and remove tags steadily. It is time, of course.
Have a great week!
All is well.
Lots of love,
Jen
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