Hello Travelers - this week along the path I discovered something about : Battling Brothers, Seeing from All Angles, and Allowing Ourselves to Believe we can have What We Want. It's true. Hold on to your hat, let's go!
This week, Sawyer took to using his hands as little, talking people - sort of like puppets only without the puppets. He calls them "The Brothers" and each hand talks to the other. And he talks to the two of them. His pretending in this way became so intense that it persisted during his swim lesson - to Bill's distress-and carried on into much of dinner ( and beyond). At dinner, the Brothers received understandable mixed reaction from the family. Bill had already expressed his distaste for their disruptive ways during swimming class and Sawyer was trying to understand why no one seemed to like them. After a bit, he tearily began to talk about how they felt; it turns out they want to make friends (at school) but are afraid.
Bill had told me that he and Sawyer had seen Angelica (Sawyer's original preschool teacher who adored him) on their way to swim class, and that she was amazed at how tall he'd gotten, and how exited and pleased Sawyer was about this. So, I asked Sawyer how it felt to have Angelica comment on how tall he is now, and he said it felt great. I explained that, that's because he wants to grow and change and get stronger and when she said that, she was saying that he WAS. And wanting to make friends is part of wanting to grow and change also - that great sense of expansion that is so important. With tears in his eyes, he explained his feelings of not wanting the other kids to "bug" him, wanting to be able to be alone, but at the same time, wanting to make friends. So, his distress (and the Brothers) was coming from wanting to make friends and at the same time doubting he CAN without losing his ability to be alone. And so, he'd resorted to pretend (as is his way) to cope with feeling bad from those conflicting thoughts and also, perhaps, to have some "friends" readily available that aren't so challenging to the way he's used to being.
I've been watching myself struggle in a similar fashion.
Over a month ago, Bill interviewed me for an on-line magazine he's starting for the Pacific Northwest Writers Association. They're going to video tape author interviews and have the videos available on the website. I was nervous about being video-taped as I have a lot of self-consciousness sometimes but I decided to do it for Bill and for me as I knew it was the right direction for me to go. When I saw the footage, I couldn't bear it. I thought I looked awful. I will not go into the reasons because it feels lousy to drudge up all that insecurity and painful thinking, but I will tell you that my unhappiness with how I looked was so piercing that I wanted to keep it from being seen. I knew in my heart I wasn't going to do this, but I also knew I felt terrible and wanted that feeling to end. Over time, as I've worked on letting it go, I've realized that even though it is not what I want, I can let it be, and, in doing so, let myself become whatever is NEXT.
I had great fear that I was going to be STUCK in the place of how I was seeing myself in that video if others were to witness it too. And so, I wanted to try to control that. But I also realized that, that approach was never going to bring me peace. The only thing that was going to bring me peace was to ALLOW others to see me from all angles, always. It is the striving to control that makes me weary and sad because it is impossible. But letting it go and allowing others to see me however they see me, actually frees me to move on from the spot I don't want to be in. In trying to control others and keep them from seeing what I think is deficient about me, I am actually (ironically) holding on to to seeing myself in the way I don't want.
Like Sawyer, I am wanting to grow, move on, expand, become something new and better and am afraid that I cannot, and am afraid of losing control. In Sawyer's case, he's afraid of losing control of being alone. In my case, I am afraid of losing control of how I am seen. Both of us are feeling a strong pull to become more, to expand, and both of us are doubting our ability to do it. And that's the real source of the pain, and that's what the Brothers are actually arguing over, not over losing a kind of control we never had in the first place.
But how great it is to grow. And although letting go can feel dangerous, what a huge relief it is to allow ourselves to move on to the next thing. Always better to be more of who we really are.
Here's to letting go of the way we're used to seeing ourselves, in order to find the relief in being our new selves. Cheers!
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Limitations of Argument (written 10/24/07)
Hi my muchachas! THE NEWS this week explores the limitations of ARGUMENT and considers the idea that maybe our Problems are not to be fought, after all. Let's see what we can see from here.
This last week, Bill went through a somewhat traumatic mental challenge when he decided to engage in debate in an on-line philosophical chat. As he tried to redirect the participants' thoughts, he found himself being lambasted and feeling somewhat haunted by his communication with these contentious strangers. He had thought he could enter the discussion calmly, insightfully and bring heightened consciousness to the conversation, but the dogs came-a-barkin' and before he knew it he was being chased down the cyber highway at full speed.
It took him a couple of days to debrief from this experience. He had thought he just wanted to share his ideas, but after a while of reflecting upon it, he realized he was looking for something more. Admittedly, to one degree or another, he had wanted to poke holes in the other arguments, and so had drawn people who very much wanted to poke holes in his. He had, without realizing it, Entered Arguing - a position that always bespeaks feeling powerless.
Here's another story I think is related:
One evening, Sawyer expressed his concern about the house catching on fire (he had been reading about fire drills in one of his kids' magazines). Bill explained how we would exit if a fire were to happen; he worked to reassure him about the availability of doors and ways to get out if necessary. We both brought up numerous examples of why Sawyer could consider himself safe, but he persisted. He expressed his concern that if we have a fire in the fireplace, it might spread and catch the whole house on fire. Again, we countered that, that wouldn't happen. The fire in the fireplace stays in the fireplace. But still, Sawyer's questions kept coming. For, he, like Bill, was trying to Feel Better, reassured, safer through Argument. It cannot be done. There was nothing we could say (in this vein) that was really going to sooth him the way he wanted to be soothed. Arguments and explanations, overall, do not sooth and calm. For there is always ANOTHER argument or angle that can be made or taken that seems to disprove the stability of the last. There is no place to rest in the state of argument.
Finally, I told Sawyer to put his hand on his heart and ask himself if our house was going to burn down and if he was safe or not. He did so and then laughed . He said he was safe.
There is a strong impulse in us to Enter Arguing - to work to disprove someone else's position or prove our own in order to feel okay. And we argue and fight against what we think is threatening us, in an effort to feel our power again and make ourselves feel safe. But, as Bill soon discovered, and as Sawyer found when he asked HIMSELF for the truth, the soothing perspective (= the resolution), comes from WITHIN (first) always. And, ironically, the more we cast our line outside ourselves for reassurance, validation, and a sense of security, the less secure we feel.
When we decide something is a problem: The House Might Burn Down, or Those People are Not Understanding the Truth, we put ourselves in the position of having to fix the situation and our campaign for wanting to change external conditions begins. When actually the "problem" is a clarifying agent for helping us understand where our thinking is and what shift we need from OURSELVES (not the outside world). Sawyer worrying about the house burning down was an indicator (as there was no external threat) of his needing to shift his internal feeling of being UNSAFE . Bill wanting validation for his ideas from internet message- boarders, was an indicator of his yearning to clarify things for himself and experience validation of what he believes - from himself.
It's always an inside-out job. I can't see how we can avoid it.
Much love, much love, much love.
All is Well,
Jen
This last week, Bill went through a somewhat traumatic mental challenge when he decided to engage in debate in an on-line philosophical chat. As he tried to redirect the participants' thoughts, he found himself being lambasted and feeling somewhat haunted by his communication with these contentious strangers. He had thought he could enter the discussion calmly, insightfully and bring heightened consciousness to the conversation, but the dogs came-a-barkin' and before he knew it he was being chased down the cyber highway at full speed.
It took him a couple of days to debrief from this experience. He had thought he just wanted to share his ideas, but after a while of reflecting upon it, he realized he was looking for something more. Admittedly, to one degree or another, he had wanted to poke holes in the other arguments, and so had drawn people who very much wanted to poke holes in his. He had, without realizing it, Entered Arguing - a position that always bespeaks feeling powerless.
Here's another story I think is related:
One evening, Sawyer expressed his concern about the house catching on fire (he had been reading about fire drills in one of his kids' magazines). Bill explained how we would exit if a fire were to happen; he worked to reassure him about the availability of doors and ways to get out if necessary. We both brought up numerous examples of why Sawyer could consider himself safe, but he persisted. He expressed his concern that if we have a fire in the fireplace, it might spread and catch the whole house on fire. Again, we countered that, that wouldn't happen. The fire in the fireplace stays in the fireplace. But still, Sawyer's questions kept coming. For, he, like Bill, was trying to Feel Better, reassured, safer through Argument. It cannot be done. There was nothing we could say (in this vein) that was really going to sooth him the way he wanted to be soothed. Arguments and explanations, overall, do not sooth and calm. For there is always ANOTHER argument or angle that can be made or taken that seems to disprove the stability of the last. There is no place to rest in the state of argument.
Finally, I told Sawyer to put his hand on his heart and ask himself if our house was going to burn down and if he was safe or not. He did so and then laughed . He said he was safe.
There is a strong impulse in us to Enter Arguing - to work to disprove someone else's position or prove our own in order to feel okay. And we argue and fight against what we think is threatening us, in an effort to feel our power again and make ourselves feel safe. But, as Bill soon discovered, and as Sawyer found when he asked HIMSELF for the truth, the soothing perspective (= the resolution), comes from WITHIN (first) always. And, ironically, the more we cast our line outside ourselves for reassurance, validation, and a sense of security, the less secure we feel.
When we decide something is a problem: The House Might Burn Down, or Those People are Not Understanding the Truth, we put ourselves in the position of having to fix the situation and our campaign for wanting to change external conditions begins. When actually the "problem" is a clarifying agent for helping us understand where our thinking is and what shift we need from OURSELVES (not the outside world). Sawyer worrying about the house burning down was an indicator (as there was no external threat) of his needing to shift his internal feeling of being UNSAFE . Bill wanting validation for his ideas from internet message- boarders, was an indicator of his yearning to clarify things for himself and experience validation of what he believes - from himself.
It's always an inside-out job. I can't see how we can avoid it.
Much love, much love, much love.
All is Well,
Jen
Your Gift (written 10/15/07)
Hi peoples. This week's news is entitled: YOUR GIFT. Let's go find out what that is. . . .
This last week, I was having a bumpy time of it and one day, I was with Sawyer, trying to get him started on his homework, when he said, "Mom, I've never seen you like this before." I apologized and told him I was very unsettled in myself, but that didn't actually put an end to his concern. I left him to do his homework and nestled my unsettled-self out on the couch, in front of the television, with a blanket draped over me, hoping to shift my emotional disposition.
The next thing I know, Sawyer has come out of his room and sat beside me.
"I feel like you hate me."
Now, I am miserable and guilty.
"No," I say, "No, no, no. I don't hate you. Not at all; I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm kind of angry with myself."
"But I don't want you to be like the old Colin."
Colin is a character from the book, The Secret Garden. He is the boy who initially lies in bed all the time and focuses only on all the things he's afraid of, making himself weak and reactive in body and mind. I am struck by how insightful this remark is and how well Sawyer makes these kinds of connections. I tell him this and we go back into his bedroom to do his homework.
Later that day, while I was preparing his dinner, I brought up his reference to Colin again.
He said, "I know when people are feeling like that. And I want to help them learn how to enjoy life."
"That's great!" I said, "That's your gift - that's part of what you're here to do, part of what you have to offer - to help people learn how to enjoy life. How great that you know that about yourself! "
His face lit up.
"Tell Dad," he said.
Not everyone articulates their gift at age eight, but we can certainly strive to articulate it now.
And our gift is not our ability to do something in particular, it is a perspective that we both want to offer and deep down know to be true, even if, for some reason, life has caused us to doubt or forsake it. There's a lot of emphasis on people's talents and abilities, but these don't always reflect our greatest gifts. Our greatest gift is always that which we most WANT TO SHARE. And it makes sense, that what we want to give is our gift. There's nothing more to it. And the things we Do or Say are either in service to that GIFT or are not. And I think, the more our lives are filled with activities, actions, and attitudes that are not vehicles for this gift, the more likely we are to feel down.
So, what got me in Collin-mode that day? More rounds of : "I want, but I don't think I can have." And that is depressing. But it doesn't have to be that way. "I want and I am learning how" feels infinitely better. I certainly wasn't hating Sawyer that day, and I wasn't actually hating myself, I was hating the thought, "I don't think I can be it, or do it, or have or express that which I am so wanting to be, do, have, or express." Which means, I can't give my gift. And that does suck.
What is it that gets Collin out of his bed and painful frame of mind? He becomes captivated by life's potential , in the form of The Secret Garden. And what is it that lifts me at that moments? Allowing myself to become captivated by my own potential and possibility which organically turns self-doubt into wanting to learn and grow - and that is open to each of us at every moment.
So, off the couch I go - to plant something new. Join me, join me, join me. I love hearing from you.
Best to you all.
Lots of love.
All is well,
Jen
This last week, I was having a bumpy time of it and one day, I was with Sawyer, trying to get him started on his homework, when he said, "Mom, I've never seen you like this before." I apologized and told him I was very unsettled in myself, but that didn't actually put an end to his concern. I left him to do his homework and nestled my unsettled-self out on the couch, in front of the television, with a blanket draped over me, hoping to shift my emotional disposition.
The next thing I know, Sawyer has come out of his room and sat beside me.
"I feel like you hate me."
Now, I am miserable and guilty.
"No," I say, "No, no, no. I don't hate you. Not at all; I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm kind of angry with myself."
"But I don't want you to be like the old Colin."
Colin is a character from the book, The Secret Garden. He is the boy who initially lies in bed all the time and focuses only on all the things he's afraid of, making himself weak and reactive in body and mind. I am struck by how insightful this remark is and how well Sawyer makes these kinds of connections. I tell him this and we go back into his bedroom to do his homework.
Later that day, while I was preparing his dinner, I brought up his reference to Colin again.
He said, "I know when people are feeling like that. And I want to help them learn how to enjoy life."
"That's great!" I said, "That's your gift - that's part of what you're here to do, part of what you have to offer - to help people learn how to enjoy life. How great that you know that about yourself! "
His face lit up.
"Tell Dad," he said.
Not everyone articulates their gift at age eight, but we can certainly strive to articulate it now.
And our gift is not our ability to do something in particular, it is a perspective that we both want to offer and deep down know to be true, even if, for some reason, life has caused us to doubt or forsake it. There's a lot of emphasis on people's talents and abilities, but these don't always reflect our greatest gifts. Our greatest gift is always that which we most WANT TO SHARE. And it makes sense, that what we want to give is our gift. There's nothing more to it. And the things we Do or Say are either in service to that GIFT or are not. And I think, the more our lives are filled with activities, actions, and attitudes that are not vehicles for this gift, the more likely we are to feel down.
So, what got me in Collin-mode that day? More rounds of : "I want, but I don't think I can have." And that is depressing. But it doesn't have to be that way. "I want and I am learning how" feels infinitely better. I certainly wasn't hating Sawyer that day, and I wasn't actually hating myself, I was hating the thought, "I don't think I can be it, or do it, or have or express that which I am so wanting to be, do, have, or express." Which means, I can't give my gift. And that does suck.
What is it that gets Collin out of his bed and painful frame of mind? He becomes captivated by life's potential , in the form of The Secret Garden. And what is it that lifts me at that moments? Allowing myself to become captivated by my own potential and possibility which organically turns self-doubt into wanting to learn and grow - and that is open to each of us at every moment.
So, off the couch I go - to plant something new. Join me, join me, join me. I love hearing from you.
Best to you all.
Lots of love.
All is well,
Jen
Monday, October 15, 2007
The Best Use of Will Power (written 10/12/07)
Hello fellow travelers. This week's NEWS is about Dental Mishaps, Wanting to Curl Up Into A Ball, The Best Use of Will Power, and Getting Things Moving Again.
First off, let me give you some background on where I have unwittingly traveled to recently.
Several weeks ago, I had a dental mishap that involved my top teeth and my bottom front tooth colliding and scraping (while eating a bagel) that resulted in roughening up the edge of my bottom tooth. It was a traumatic moment for me in which I keenly registered the impact of this misalignment. I called the dentist fairly soon thereafter. He filed that spot down a bit and warned me to be careful. He then proceeded to tell me the story of another careless person who had bitten down on a fork and broke their tooth. I found his lack of compassion for the accident victim/perpetrator unsettling.
Then, the other day, the same thing happened again with the same tooth (I believe). This stirred up a low-level hysteria characterized by feeling out of control and vulnerable . Suddenly, I felt unable to trust myself in regards to normal, low-risk activities like eating. Round two of spastic biting occurred on a Friday. My dentist doesn't work on Fridays. I decided to wait until Monday. Fast-forward over a weekend of chewing carefully. My concern grew bigger and bigger, not so much over the particular tooth, but over what I feared might be a developing trend. Monday arrived along with a strong case of Not Wanting To Call.
There were other things I wanted to do Monday, also. I wanted to write but felt stuck. I wanted to order some promotional things for VIOLET BING but felt stymied in my attempts. After some time of feeling lost and tormented, thinking things that made me feel bad , I lay down on the loveseat and threw up the surrender flag. I wanted to take action, but the troubled state within was too great. But I didn't lie there thinking those thoughts; I surrendered those thoughts and focused in my chest, and let a kind of restful, soothing weight rest there. I gave over to that. I had no hope, at that point, that doing this would help me in the least, but I didn't know what else to do. About five or ten minutes went by and suddenly, I found myself jumping up with new energy. I went to the bathroom and fixed my hair; I went to the phone and now felt okay about calling the dentist; I went to the computer and started working on the things on my list. As it turned out, when I got through to the dentist, there was only one appointment available that week and that was only because someone had recently canceled. If I had called in the morning as I'd planned - that appointment wouldn't have existed.
All of a sudden, things were moving again and I really couldn't say why. Where did that bad feeling go? It had been so heavy, so oppressive, so stifling.
The same thing happened the other night, around dinner time. I was feeling miserable. And I felt awful being around Bill and the kids as I knew I was like a contagion - bound to do more harm than good, yet I couldn't seem to shake it. I wrote in my journal but found no relief. After considering retreating to my room during dinner and sparing us all further tension, I decided to lie down for a few minutes and see how that went. I did my best to focus in my chest/heart area again, and when Bill called me to dinner, I could tell "it" had lifted.
What happened? Ten minutes before, I had been consumed by negative feeling ; I was in distress just being seen. Now, I felt free again, to talk and be and that THING was gone. In deciding to leave those painful thoughts , rather than trying to use THEM to get me out of the place they'd put me in, something else was allowed to happen, something that sets things right and allows us to leave the jail we've temporarily constructed for ourselves.
Stuck is always - stuck thinking the wrong thought.
The best use of my Will Power is to use my will to Let Go of my current troubling thoughts. It's an act of Trust. When I've made myself Wrong or Powerless, I'm in a War. And the casualty of the war is always ME. To get things moving again means, to allow myself to move off of what hurts. This takes practice.
Much Love to You All.
All is Well,
Jen
First off, let me give you some background on where I have unwittingly traveled to recently.
Several weeks ago, I had a dental mishap that involved my top teeth and my bottom front tooth colliding and scraping (while eating a bagel) that resulted in roughening up the edge of my bottom tooth. It was a traumatic moment for me in which I keenly registered the impact of this misalignment. I called the dentist fairly soon thereafter. He filed that spot down a bit and warned me to be careful. He then proceeded to tell me the story of another careless person who had bitten down on a fork and broke their tooth. I found his lack of compassion for the accident victim/perpetrator unsettling.
Then, the other day, the same thing happened again with the same tooth (I believe). This stirred up a low-level hysteria characterized by feeling out of control and vulnerable . Suddenly, I felt unable to trust myself in regards to normal, low-risk activities like eating. Round two of spastic biting occurred on a Friday. My dentist doesn't work on Fridays. I decided to wait until Monday. Fast-forward over a weekend of chewing carefully. My concern grew bigger and bigger, not so much over the particular tooth, but over what I feared might be a developing trend. Monday arrived along with a strong case of Not Wanting To Call.
There were other things I wanted to do Monday, also. I wanted to write but felt stuck. I wanted to order some promotional things for VIOLET BING but felt stymied in my attempts. After some time of feeling lost and tormented, thinking things that made me feel bad , I lay down on the loveseat and threw up the surrender flag. I wanted to take action, but the troubled state within was too great. But I didn't lie there thinking those thoughts; I surrendered those thoughts and focused in my chest, and let a kind of restful, soothing weight rest there. I gave over to that. I had no hope, at that point, that doing this would help me in the least, but I didn't know what else to do. About five or ten minutes went by and suddenly, I found myself jumping up with new energy. I went to the bathroom and fixed my hair; I went to the phone and now felt okay about calling the dentist; I went to the computer and started working on the things on my list. As it turned out, when I got through to the dentist, there was only one appointment available that week and that was only because someone had recently canceled. If I had called in the morning as I'd planned - that appointment wouldn't have existed.
All of a sudden, things were moving again and I really couldn't say why. Where did that bad feeling go? It had been so heavy, so oppressive, so stifling.
The same thing happened the other night, around dinner time. I was feeling miserable. And I felt awful being around Bill and the kids as I knew I was like a contagion - bound to do more harm than good, yet I couldn't seem to shake it. I wrote in my journal but found no relief. After considering retreating to my room during dinner and sparing us all further tension, I decided to lie down for a few minutes and see how that went. I did my best to focus in my chest/heart area again, and when Bill called me to dinner, I could tell "it" had lifted.
What happened? Ten minutes before, I had been consumed by negative feeling ; I was in distress just being seen. Now, I felt free again, to talk and be and that THING was gone. In deciding to leave those painful thoughts , rather than trying to use THEM to get me out of the place they'd put me in, something else was allowed to happen, something that sets things right and allows us to leave the jail we've temporarily constructed for ourselves.
Stuck is always - stuck thinking the wrong thought.
The best use of my Will Power is to use my will to Let Go of my current troubling thoughts. It's an act of Trust. When I've made myself Wrong or Powerless, I'm in a War. And the casualty of the war is always ME. To get things moving again means, to allow myself to move off of what hurts. This takes practice.
Much Love to You All.
All is Well,
Jen
Expansion (written 10/1/07)
Hello People! Let's glide into October with a little talk about Geography, Learning to Clean More, Expansion, and how thinking you are Inadequate SUCKS but can be useful. Okay - here we go!
A couple weeks ago I was speaking to my Mom on the phone. Some how the conversation rolled around to housekeeping. I had discovered that we had greatly neglected cleaning Sawyer's room to the point where it needed a grand overhaul (which I gave it). I believe I was bemoaning our lack of attention to cleaning when my mother suggested we hire someone to help us. Her idea was that either the maid come in once a month (for a thorough cleaning job) or we bring her in to get the house to the place we wanted it to be in and then work to maintain it ourselves. I complained , saying that I didn't want to hire anyone. And then, to my surprise, in the middle of feeling bad about myself and ashamed of our cleaning, I heard myself say this, "I would rather learn how to do it myself." And when I that thought hit my consciousness, I understood that all the times I've felt bad about the house not being "clean enough" were actually representative of me wanting to learn how to tend to it more to my OWN liking. I had thought it was just outside criticism that I was bristling against and feeling inadequate in the light of, but now I understood it differently. I, apparently, wanted to Expand and Learn. I'd been feeling bad simply because I thought I COULDN'T change it.
Shortly after that conversation- the likes of which would have previously left me angry and feeling judged - I created a list of all the different components to keeping the kitchen clean (as the kitchen was the room least tended), some of which I was currently doing, some of which I rarely if ever did, and some of which I did but too infrequently to make much difference. I taped it to the inside cabinet and determined that I would choose to do just a little more each time I was in there . I could choose anything off the list, and no task had to be COMPLETED immediately, but could just be started and finished later, over time. This way, I thought, I would not overwhelm myself. I
star ted with the area around the sink and learning how to keep it clean consistently and I moved on from there.
What I immediately noticed was that was I was excited about it. I w as excited about changing and the idea that I COULD change old habits. That it was really just a re-education that was in order, nothing more. I wasn't going to have to feel bad about myself, or make myself do things I didn't want, or do things according to other people's expectations; this was really for ME and was going to make ME feel better. And then I started thinking about other areas that I feel SENSITIVE about or had determined in jest or seriousness that I am INADEQUATE in (or not as up to speed as I'd like). One of these areas is Geography.
I went on-line and looked up maps and games to learn Geography and I began. I started with Europe. And I set a similar expectation (as with my cleaning) to educate myself a small amount at a time, and to begin to adopt a new view of myself in this area. Later, I told Bill that I had felt a great sense of RELIEF from studying the Geography. And the same can be said for my cleaning. I'm feeling RELIEF from the Tending to things I wanted to be tended, but was RESISTING. And I've noticed that now when Bill speaks of political situations occurring in different areas of the world, I sort of perk up and want to learn WHERE those countries are in relation to the others I know about. And I don't feel so sensitive about my cleaning because I know I am learning. And all of a sudden, I feel expansive. Just from a little Geography and a little Spic n' Span.
I am starting to understand that all the times I feel Offended, Distressed, Hurt, or Angry by what someone or a situation is emphasizing about me, there is something I am wanting for myself underneath that. There is some way in which I have abandoned myself or seen myself as less than, that needs to be tended. And it's my job to take care of that. I can keep blaming other people, and I can keep feeling bad about myself, but I am missing the boat either way. We CRAVE learning, we CRAVE expansion, we CRAVE greater command in our lives and greater connection with ALL of who we are - naturally. It's all about wanting to Expand and Learn and see myself as More than I have previously.
It seems odd that learning to tend to cleaning more or where Croatia is, makes me feel better, but they do. So, I will not argue with this information and I will work to discover other ways in which I am craving expansion. And it doesn't matter whether it seems Large or Small, for I believe, either have the capacity to change the way we see ourselves and open new doors.
Here's to opening new doors this week and catching up to the YOU you are wanting to become. Things can and do change with the smallest new movement.
Lots of Love.
All is Well,
Jen
A couple weeks ago I was speaking to my Mom on the phone. Some how the conversation rolled around to housekeeping. I had discovered that we had greatly neglected cleaning Sawyer's room to the point where it needed a grand overhaul (which I gave it). I believe I was bemoaning our lack of attention to cleaning when my mother suggested we hire someone to help us. Her idea was that either the maid come in once a month (for a thorough cleaning job) or we bring her in to get the house to the place we wanted it to be in and then work to maintain it ourselves. I complained , saying that I didn't want to hire anyone. And then, to my surprise, in the middle of feeling bad about myself and ashamed of our cleaning, I heard myself say this, "I would rather learn how to do it myself." And when I that thought hit my consciousness, I understood that all the times I've felt bad about the house not being "clean enough" were actually representative of me wanting to learn how to tend to it more to my OWN liking. I had thought it was just outside criticism that I was bristling against and feeling inadequate in the light of, but now I understood it differently. I, apparently, wanted to Expand and Learn. I'd been feeling bad simply because I thought I COULDN'T change it.
Shortly after that conversation- the likes of which would have previously left me angry and feeling judged - I created a list of all the different components to keeping the kitchen clean (as the kitchen was the room least tended), some of which I was currently doing, some of which I rarely if ever did, and some of which I did but too infrequently to make much difference. I taped it to the inside cabinet and determined that I would choose to do just a little more each time I was in there . I could choose anything off the list, and no task had to be COMPLETED immediately, but could just be started and finished later, over time. This way, I thought, I would not overwhelm myself. I
star ted with the area around the sink and learning how to keep it clean consistently and I moved on from there.
What I immediately noticed was that was I was excited about it. I w as excited about changing and the idea that I COULD change old habits. That it was really just a re-education that was in order, nothing more. I wasn't going to have to feel bad about myself, or make myself do things I didn't want, or do things according to other people's expectations; this was really for ME and was going to make ME feel better. And then I started thinking about other areas that I feel SENSITIVE about or had determined in jest or seriousness that I am INADEQUATE in (or not as up to speed as I'd like). One of these areas is Geography.
I went on-line and looked up maps and games to learn Geography and I began. I started with Europe. And I set a similar expectation (as with my cleaning) to educate myself a small amount at a time, and to begin to adopt a new view of myself in this area. Later, I told Bill that I had felt a great sense of RELIEF from studying the Geography. And the same can be said for my cleaning. I'm feeling RELIEF from the Tending to things I wanted to be tended, but was RESISTING. And I've noticed that now when Bill speaks of political situations occurring in different areas of the world, I sort of perk up and want to learn WHERE those countries are in relation to the others I know about. And I don't feel so sensitive about my cleaning because I know I am learning. And all of a sudden, I feel expansive. Just from a little Geography and a little Spic n' Span.
I am starting to understand that all the times I feel Offended, Distressed, Hurt, or Angry by what someone or a situation is emphasizing about me, there is something I am wanting for myself underneath that. There is some way in which I have abandoned myself or seen myself as less than, that needs to be tended. And it's my job to take care of that. I can keep blaming other people, and I can keep feeling bad about myself, but I am missing the boat either way. We CRAVE learning, we CRAVE expansion, we CRAVE greater command in our lives and greater connection with ALL of who we are - naturally. It's all about wanting to Expand and Learn and see myself as More than I have previously.
It seems odd that learning to tend to cleaning more or where Croatia is, makes me feel better, but they do. So, I will not argue with this information and I will work to discover other ways in which I am craving expansion. And it doesn't matter whether it seems Large or Small, for I believe, either have the capacity to change the way we see ourselves and open new doors.
Here's to opening new doors this week and catching up to the YOU you are wanting to become. Things can and do change with the smallest new movement.
Lots of Love.
All is Well,
Jen
Forgetting (written 9/24/07)
Hi travelers - my advice to us this week : Forget About It. I know it seems harder than that, more complicated, maybe even impossible, but MAYBE, just maybe, the subject of our particular fixation, the thing that has most of our attention/concern/worry these days, can just be forgotten. And what would that be like? This week's JEN NEWS: Forgetting, Hysterics, and Growing the New. Here is a bit on the story that got me thinking about it.
We've been reading The Secret Garden (by Frances Hodgson Burnett) to Sawyer. It's my favorite book and he's really gotten into it. For those who haven't read it, or don't remember it all that clearly, it is the story of a ten year old girl named Mary Lennox who comes to live with her "hunchbacked", disillusioned uncle, Archibald Craven and his servants at Misselthwaite Manor after having lived in India and lost her parents to Cholera. She begins as an entitled, miserable, unpleasant, bossy, hard little person and comes to life as she finds the key to the Secret Garden and discovers her love of life, really, for the first time. In the course of the story, she also meets Colin Craven - her cousin- and son of Archibald who remains hidden away in the mansion, crying and throwing tantrums, convinced he is ill and going to die. Under the impression that he will grow a lump on his back like his father and that he is weak beyond repair , he keeps himself hidden, refusing fresh air and growing more frail every day. His presence is kept a secret until Mary discovers him one night when his cries can be heard from down the hall.
They have many meetings after that and she teaches him of the Secret Garden and all the potential there, for she is already working away at bringing the garden, which had been locked up for ten years, back to life. One night, however, Colin has one of these tantrums and brings himself to a hysterical state and Mary steps in and calls him on it. She demands that he stop screaming; she has him turn over and she examines his back . And when she does she can find no trace of a bump or lump anywhere. This is a huge relief to Colin as all of his hysterics are a result of his fixating on the idea that something terrible is happening to him. Later, when the doctor arrives, Colin expresses his desire to go outside (for the first time) and to go with Mary. The doctor is wary at first and tells him he must "remember", basically, that he is sick. And Colin says:
"I don't want to remember. When I lie by myself and remember I begin to have pains everywhere,
and I think of things that make me begin to scream because I hate them so. If there was a doctor
anywhere who could make you forget you were ill instead of remembering it, I would have him
brought here. It is because my cousin makes me forget that she makes me better."
So, Colin has figured it out. He's realized that no matter how real or compelling one of his thoughts can seem, or even how much evidence there seems to be of its "truth", it is the focusing upon those thoughts (those that he hates) that is creating his greatest, most real pain. And so, it is up to him: Does he choose to lie in his bed and fear the growing of a possible lump or does he wish to focus upon the potential inherent in THE SECRET GARDEN? This is his moment of choice, and this is the moment when he starts to grow strong and changes the course of his life.
It is easy to make ourselves weak with our thinking, sick with our thinking, tired, ugly, not enough, angry or powerless with our thinking.
But there comes a point, when in order to change what we most want to change, we actually have to Forget that which once seemed absolutely impossible to forget. So, forget it. Whatever the "it" is. This perception of self as weakened -as powerless - is the most painful perception one can hold. So, forget it. It was never true and you know it (regardless of what situation or experience seemed to inspire this thought). And Remember your strong self again by following the trail of what you love and what feels good to think about and grow.
Our power is like Colin's power, it is there waiting. And it always will be.
So, this week, let us forget our limitations and let ourselves open the doors available . There is always a Secret Garden in our peripheral vision. There is always a Thought of Something that feels better that can be built upon.
Lots of love to you all.
All is Well,
Jen
We've been reading The Secret Garden (by Frances Hodgson Burnett) to Sawyer. It's my favorite book and he's really gotten into it. For those who haven't read it, or don't remember it all that clearly, it is the story of a ten year old girl named Mary Lennox who comes to live with her "hunchbacked", disillusioned uncle, Archibald Craven and his servants at Misselthwaite Manor after having lived in India and lost her parents to Cholera. She begins as an entitled, miserable, unpleasant, bossy, hard little person and comes to life as she finds the key to the Secret Garden and discovers her love of life, really, for the first time. In the course of the story, she also meets Colin Craven - her cousin- and son of Archibald who remains hidden away in the mansion, crying and throwing tantrums, convinced he is ill and going to die. Under the impression that he will grow a lump on his back like his father and that he is weak beyond repair , he keeps himself hidden, refusing fresh air and growing more frail every day. His presence is kept a secret until Mary discovers him one night when his cries can be heard from down the hall.
They have many meetings after that and she teaches him of the Secret Garden and all the potential there, for she is already working away at bringing the garden, which had been locked up for ten years, back to life. One night, however, Colin has one of these tantrums and brings himself to a hysterical state and Mary steps in and calls him on it. She demands that he stop screaming; she has him turn over and she examines his back . And when she does she can find no trace of a bump or lump anywhere. This is a huge relief to Colin as all of his hysterics are a result of his fixating on the idea that something terrible is happening to him. Later, when the doctor arrives, Colin expresses his desire to go outside (for the first time) and to go with Mary. The doctor is wary at first and tells him he must "remember", basically, that he is sick. And Colin says:
"I don't want to remember. When I lie by myself and remember I begin to have pains everywhere,
and I think of things that make me begin to scream because I hate them so. If there was a doctor
anywhere who could make you forget you were ill instead of remembering it, I would have him
brought here. It is because my cousin makes me forget that she makes me better."
So, Colin has figured it out. He's realized that no matter how real or compelling one of his thoughts can seem, or even how much evidence there seems to be of its "truth", it is the focusing upon those thoughts (those that he hates) that is creating his greatest, most real pain. And so, it is up to him: Does he choose to lie in his bed and fear the growing of a possible lump or does he wish to focus upon the potential inherent in THE SECRET GARDEN? This is his moment of choice, and this is the moment when he starts to grow strong and changes the course of his life.
It is easy to make ourselves weak with our thinking, sick with our thinking, tired, ugly, not enough, angry or powerless with our thinking.
But there comes a point, when in order to change what we most want to change, we actually have to Forget that which once seemed absolutely impossible to forget. So, forget it. Whatever the "it" is. This perception of self as weakened -as powerless - is the most painful perception one can hold. So, forget it. It was never true and you know it (regardless of what situation or experience seemed to inspire this thought). And Remember your strong self again by following the trail of what you love and what feels good to think about and grow.
Our power is like Colin's power, it is there waiting. And it always will be.
So, this week, let us forget our limitations and let ourselves open the doors available . There is always a Secret Garden in our peripheral vision. There is always a Thought of Something that feels better that can be built upon.
Lots of love to you all.
All is Well,
Jen
Immunity Through Forgiveness (written 9/17/07)
Hello Fellow Leaders.
This week, I caught a cold. Thank you - it was tricky, but I did manage to get my hands on one and apply it directly to my sinuses and nose and the now red chaffed skin above my upper lip. This week's JEN NEWS is about a slightly different kind of Exposure and Vulnerability (as well as Forgiveness) and real Safety . So, step away from the vaporizer for a moment, put down the cough drops and your fifteenth cup of tea, and let's find out what I've got to say now.
Several years ago, I was in the grocery store when I inadvertently clipped the heel of a slender, white-haired, older woman in front of me with my cart. I immediately apologized repeatedly, but she ran-stumbled-hopped off very quickly, grabbing her ankle - not unlike a wounded animal running for the woods. I wanted to apologize again, but she had already gone to the end of the isle and was sort of pacing back and forth to tend her injury. I could see her, now and again, appear at the opening of the isle. She never made eye contact with me, and either hadn't heard my apology or could not receive it. As she ran off in her injured state, her old husband was left behind. I was still in a very apologetic mode, looking to set the situation right with someone. I looked at him and he stood very close to me and said, "Next time, watch where you're going!"
I was a bit shocked (and injured, I have to admit) by his anger over the accident, but it was clear that his wife had given him the charge of standing guard over her vulnerability and he had failed. Apparently, they had both agreed (and perhaps with good reason - perhaps she'd had a severe illness, or condition that was ongoing or which had just resolved - or maybe not) that she was wounded and needed protection and here, the insensitive world - played by ME- had gotten her and reminded them, just how vulnerable she was at any given moment.
And it was hard for them to recoup. The incident had so shaken them, they couldn't receive my apology or compassion. In fact, each time I happened to see them in the other isles shopping, they fixedly refused to look at me (as I was still hoping to apologize again, feeling so restless and uncomfortable in my currently unforgiven state).
No matter what that old woman had lived to bring her to the place of feeling so vulnerable and such a victim - it really doesn't matter- for ultimately the state of reactiveness and weakness and perpetual anger (at the world for Doing Things To Her) her current mind set was keeping her in a place that was equally or even more painful. And, in her state of extreme woundedness and vulnerability, all she could pass on to me was MORE OF THE SAME. As a result of our interraction, all the needy, vulnerability, wounded, Done-To , Blaming, Victimized feelings rose in me, came to the forefront and left me in a similar place . And now, ironically, I was feeling unforgiving towards this old couple - their exact stance towards me .
Recently, I heard a radio hypnotist work out a problem with a caller. The caller was a smoker and she wanted to quit. In the course of her work with this woman, the hypnotist discovered that the woman's father used to smoke. Her father had died. The hypnotist figured out that the woman was actually smoking to feel connection with her father. When the woman realized this, every time she went to smoke, it was no longer the same. Her consciousness had changed and she started seeking more direct ways of feeling connected to her deceased father and she was able to quit pretty easily. It had been a paltry substitution for a genuine desire.
When we try to protect ourselves, it too is a paltry substitution for a legitimate desire: the desire to feel SAFE. All negative habits of thought or action are puny attempts to get us into closer proximity to the feeling we're really wanting. There's the kind of exposure that feels good - where we're being SEEN and HEARD as we're all meant to be, and there's the kind where we're AFRAID to be SEEN and HEARD because who knows what crazy lady might clip our heal next. The the point is an Immune System (be it physical or emotional) remains undefined by what it's exposed to. What you are exposed to cannot MAKE you weak or vulnerable, your system, your being, already has to,in some way, be there already in order to be TRIGGERED, as my feelings of weakness/anger were triggered by my experience in the store.
So, exposing ourselves to new things, exposing who we are, revealing what we have to offer the world that is always waiting for us, IS Safe. It is Safe, for our Immunity, our imperturbability, our ultimate stability lies in our ability to Forgive and Let Go and that, is always in our hands. And in quitting the bad habit (of thought in this case), we drop trying to protect ourselves and finally allow ourselves to feel safe (and safely exposed) - which is what the old lady and I and maybe you - wanted all along.
The Best To You.
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen
This week, I caught a cold. Thank you - it was tricky, but I did manage to get my hands on one and apply it directly to my sinuses and nose and the now red chaffed skin above my upper lip. This week's JEN NEWS is about a slightly different kind of Exposure and Vulnerability (as well as Forgiveness) and real Safety . So, step away from the vaporizer for a moment, put down the cough drops and your fifteenth cup of tea, and let's find out what I've got to say now.
Several years ago, I was in the grocery store when I inadvertently clipped the heel of a slender, white-haired, older woman in front of me with my cart. I immediately apologized repeatedly, but she ran-stumbled-hopped off very quickly, grabbing her ankle - not unlike a wounded animal running for the woods. I wanted to apologize again, but she had already gone to the end of the isle and was sort of pacing back and forth to tend her injury. I could see her, now and again, appear at the opening of the isle. She never made eye contact with me, and either hadn't heard my apology or could not receive it. As she ran off in her injured state, her old husband was left behind. I was still in a very apologetic mode, looking to set the situation right with someone. I looked at him and he stood very close to me and said, "Next time, watch where you're going!"
I was a bit shocked (and injured, I have to admit) by his anger over the accident, but it was clear that his wife had given him the charge of standing guard over her vulnerability and he had failed. Apparently, they had both agreed (and perhaps with good reason - perhaps she'd had a severe illness, or condition that was ongoing or which had just resolved - or maybe not) that she was wounded and needed protection and here, the insensitive world - played by ME- had gotten her and reminded them, just how vulnerable she was at any given moment.
And it was hard for them to recoup. The incident had so shaken them, they couldn't receive my apology or compassion. In fact, each time I happened to see them in the other isles shopping, they fixedly refused to look at me (as I was still hoping to apologize again, feeling so restless and uncomfortable in my currently unforgiven state).
No matter what that old woman had lived to bring her to the place of feeling so vulnerable and such a victim - it really doesn't matter- for ultimately the state of reactiveness and weakness and perpetual anger (at the world for Doing Things To Her) her current mind set was keeping her in a place that was equally or even more painful. And, in her state of extreme woundedness and vulnerability, all she could pass on to me was MORE OF THE SAME. As a result of our interraction, all the needy, vulnerability, wounded, Done-To , Blaming, Victimized feelings rose in me, came to the forefront and left me in a similar place . And now, ironically, I was feeling unforgiving towards this old couple - their exact stance towards me .
Recently, I heard a radio hypnotist work out a problem with a caller. The caller was a smoker and she wanted to quit. In the course of her work with this woman, the hypnotist discovered that the woman's father used to smoke. Her father had died. The hypnotist figured out that the woman was actually smoking to feel connection with her father. When the woman realized this, every time she went to smoke, it was no longer the same. Her consciousness had changed and she started seeking more direct ways of feeling connected to her deceased father and she was able to quit pretty easily. It had been a paltry substitution for a genuine desire.
When we try to protect ourselves, it too is a paltry substitution for a legitimate desire: the desire to feel SAFE. All negative habits of thought or action are puny attempts to get us into closer proximity to the feeling we're really wanting. There's the kind of exposure that feels good - where we're being SEEN and HEARD as we're all meant to be, and there's the kind where we're AFRAID to be SEEN and HEARD because who knows what crazy lady might clip our heal next. The the point is an Immune System (be it physical or emotional) remains undefined by what it's exposed to. What you are exposed to cannot MAKE you weak or vulnerable, your system, your being, already has to,in some way, be there already in order to be TRIGGERED, as my feelings of weakness/anger were triggered by my experience in the store.
So, exposing ourselves to new things, exposing who we are, revealing what we have to offer the world that is always waiting for us, IS Safe. It is Safe, for our Immunity, our imperturbability, our ultimate stability lies in our ability to Forgive and Let Go and that, is always in our hands. And in quitting the bad habit (of thought in this case), we drop trying to protect ourselves and finally allow ourselves to feel safe (and safely exposed) - which is what the old lady and I and maybe you - wanted all along.
The Best To You.
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen
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