Immunity Through Forgiveness (written 9/17/07)

Hello Fellow Leaders.
This week, I caught a cold. Thank you - it was tricky, but I did manage to get my hands on one and apply it directly to my sinuses and nose and the now red chaffed skin above my upper lip. This week's JEN NEWS is about a slightly different kind of Exposure and Vulnerability (as well as Forgiveness) and real Safety . So, step away from the vaporizer for a moment, put down the cough drops and your fifteenth cup of tea, and let's find out what I've got to say now.

Several years ago, I was in the grocery store when I inadvertently clipped the heel of a slender, white-haired, older woman in front of me with my cart. I immediately apologized repeatedly, but she ran-stumbled-hopped off very quickly, grabbing her ankle - not unlike a wounded animal running for the woods. I wanted to apologize again, but she had already gone to the end of the isle and was sort of pacing back and forth to tend her injury. I could see her, now and again, appear at the opening of the isle. She never made eye contact with me, and either hadn't heard my apology or could not receive it. As she ran off in her injured state, her old husband was left behind. I was still in a very apologetic mode, looking to set the situation right with someone. I looked at him and he stood very close to me and said, "Next time, watch where you're going!"

I was a bit shocked (and injured, I have to admit) by his anger over the accident, but it was clear that his wife had given him the charge of standing guard over her vulnerability and he had failed. Apparently, they had both agreed (and perhaps with good reason - perhaps she'd had a severe illness, or condition that was ongoing or which had just resolved - or maybe not) that she was wounded and needed protection and here, the insensitive world - played by ME- had gotten her and reminded them, just how vulnerable she was at any given moment.

And it was hard for them to recoup. The incident had so shaken them, they couldn't receive my apology or compassion. In fact, each time I happened to see them in the other isles shopping, they fixedly refused to look at me (as I was still hoping to apologize again, feeling so restless and uncomfortable in my currently unforgiven state).

No matter what that old woman had lived to bring her to the place of feeling so vulnerable and such a victim - it really doesn't matter- for ultimately the state of reactiveness and weakness and perpetual anger (at the world for Doing Things To Her) her current mind set was keeping her in a place that was equally or even more painful. And, in her state of extreme woundedness and vulnerability, all she could pass on to me was MORE OF THE SAME. As a result of our interraction, all the needy, vulnerability, wounded, Done-To , Blaming, Victimized feelings rose in me, came to the forefront and left me in a similar place . And now, ironically, I was feeling unforgiving towards this old couple - their exact stance towards me .

Recently, I heard a radio hypnotist work out a problem with a caller. The caller was a smoker and she wanted to quit. In the course of her work with this woman, the hypnotist discovered that the woman's father used to smoke. Her father had died. The hypnotist figured out that the woman was actually smoking to feel connection with her father. When the woman realized this, every time she went to smoke, it was no longer the same. Her consciousness had changed and she started seeking more direct ways of feeling connected to her deceased father and she was able to quit pretty easily. It had been a paltry substitution for a genuine desire.

When we try to protect ourselves, it too is a paltry substitution for a legitimate desire: the desire to feel SAFE. All negative habits of thought or action are puny attempts to get us into closer proximity to the feeling we're really wanting. There's the kind of exposure that feels good - where we're being SEEN and HEARD as we're all meant to be, and there's the kind where we're AFRAID to be SEEN and HEARD because who knows what crazy lady might clip our heal next. The the point is an Immune System (be it physical or emotional) remains undefined by what it's exposed to. What you are exposed to cannot MAKE you weak or vulnerable, your system, your being, already has to,in some way, be there already in order to be TRIGGERED, as my feelings of weakness/anger were triggered by my experience in the store.

So, exposing ourselves to new things, exposing who we are, revealing what we have to offer the world that is always waiting for us, IS Safe. It is Safe, for our Immunity, our imperturbability, our ultimate stability lies in our ability to Forgive and Let Go and that, is always in our hands. And in quitting the bad habit (of thought in this case), we drop trying to protect ourselves and finally allow ourselves to feel safe (and safely exposed) - which is what the old lady and I and maybe you - wanted all along.

The Best To You.
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen