Your Gift (written 10/15/07)

Hi peoples. This week's news is entitled: YOUR GIFT. Let's go find out what that is. . . .

This last week, I was having a bumpy time of it and one day, I was with Sawyer, trying to get him started on his homework, when he said, "Mom, I've never seen you like this before." I apologized and told him I was very unsettled in myself, but that didn't actually put an end to his concern. I left him to do his homework and nestled my unsettled-self out on the couch, in front of the television, with a blanket draped over me, hoping to shift my emotional disposition.

The next thing I know, Sawyer has come out of his room and sat beside me.
"I feel like you hate me."
Now, I am miserable and guilty.
"No," I say, "No, no, no. I don't hate you. Not at all; I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm kind of angry with myself."
"But I don't want you to be like the old Colin."
Colin is a character from the book, The Secret Garden. He is the boy who initially lies in bed all the time and focuses only on all the things he's afraid of, making himself weak and reactive in body and mind. I am struck by how insightful this remark is and how well Sawyer makes these kinds of connections. I tell him this and we go back into his bedroom to do his homework.

Later that day, while I was preparing his dinner, I brought up his reference to Colin again.
He said, "I know when people are feeling like that. And I want to help them learn how to enjoy life."
"That's great!" I said, "That's your gift - that's part of what you're here to do, part of what you have to offer - to help people learn how to enjoy life. How great that you know that about yourself! "
His face lit up.
"Tell Dad," he said.

Not everyone articulates their gift at age eight, but we can certainly strive to articulate it now.
And our gift is not our ability to do something in particular, it is a perspective that we both want to offer and deep down know to be true, even if, for some reason, life has caused us to doubt or forsake it. There's a lot of emphasis on people's talents and abilities, but these don't always reflect our greatest gifts. Our greatest gift is always that which we most WANT TO SHARE. And it makes sense, that what we want to give is our gift. There's nothing more to it. And the things we Do or Say are either in service to that GIFT or are not. And I think, the more our lives are filled with activities, actions, and attitudes that are not vehicles for this gift, the more likely we are to feel down.
So, what got me in Collin-mode that day? More rounds of : "I want, but I don't think I can have." And that is depressing. But it doesn't have to be that way. "I want and I am learning how" feels infinitely better. I certainly wasn't hating Sawyer that day, and I wasn't actually hating myself, I was hating the thought, "I don't think I can be it, or do it, or have or express that which I am so wanting to be, do, have, or express." Which means, I can't give my gift. And that does suck.
What is it that gets Collin out of his bed and painful frame of mind? He becomes captivated by life's potential , in the form of The Secret Garden. And what is it that lifts me at that moments? Allowing myself to become captivated by my own potential and possibility which organically turns self-doubt into wanting to learn and grow - and that is open to each of us at every moment.

So, off the couch I go - to plant something new. Join me, join me, join me. I love hearing from you.
Best to you all.
Lots of love.
All is well,
Jen