Hello Peoples! It's been several weeks since I've written JEN NEWS and I thought I'd catch you all up. I hope these last weeks have been good ones for you. Here's what I've been brooding over: Taking a Trip, Emotionality, and Being Different. Let's see where this all goes. . . .
One thing that happened over these last weeks that threw me off my schedule w as that I made a trip back East to Rhode Island on an honorarium from The Gordon School (my old elementary/middle/junior high). They asked me to come and speak about writing and attend their BOOK FAIR. It was a whirlwind trip - a day of travel, two days there, another day of travel. The librarians and staff, and all the people at Gordon made me feel incredibly welcome. Gordon was my original Safe Place. I went there part way into my third grade year after having a very rough time making the transition to a new (public) school. I was very frightened then and trying to hide a lot. Following a series of stressful events, I actually jumped out of the family car (while it was moving)one day as it approached my school, and ran the other direction. So, when I arrived at Gordon, I was in a very skittish state. I remember hiding from gym class for a while, until I sort of got the hang of it. But once I did, that school proved to be a kind of haven for me and I stayed there through eighth grade.
When I arrived, everything felt the same as it had when I was a child; it was the same comforting, soothing, easy environment I remember. I spent the full day on Tuesday talking to many classrooms and giving presentations to Kindergartners, third graders, and fourth graders. I was shuffled from room to room, plunked in the middle of active classrooms and left to talk about writing. I found the kids engaging, interested, and wonderful. By the end of the first day, I had a sore throat from continuum of talking I'd done. The second day, I went to the book-fair and signed books and talked some more (visited with the first graders) and then traveled to my sister-in-law's school to give a presentation to the second graders there. She had read VIOlET to her classroom and they'd all written me letters and were very excited . She pre-sold forty books and so I had the opportunity to sign them all.
The next day, at six am, my flight took off.
I couldn't NOT go on that trip and it was important to me, and it has left me asking, "What next?" "What do I want next?"
Over these last weeks, I also had occasion to witness Max go into a kind of spin in which he returned from school one day obviously upset. When I asked him if something particular had happened, he said, "No". Eventually, he told me he couldn't tell me because he was hurting over something that could not be changed and I would just tell him it could be changed. When I promised to just LISTEN, he laid himself down on this large leather ottoman of ours, closed his eyes and started to whisper, "I am a very emotional person and I cannot handle the school environment." Tears streamed down his cheeks.
Now, I had agreed to just LISTEN, so I was not free to tell him that he can learn how to work with his emotions; that he can gain control and command of his emotional life, by tuning in and working with his thoughts and how they're making him feel. I did, however, feel at liberty to tell him that I understand because I too am a very emotional person. To which he replied that he does not perceive me as such. I couldn't believe this as my mind trailed back over an image of myself (that has persisted) born during a few months in third grade when I also felt I could not handle the school environment, but also, being in the WORLD, in general.
What to do? What to say to those large brown eyes filled with tears staring back at me, wanting to feel better, but not yet able to believe he can change his experience and his view of himself?
One of the things I found myself saying to the kids back at Gordon, about writing, is that it is important to write from the Inside-Out - meaning, to know what YOU want to write, to know what YOU think is funny or smart or interesting or compelling, and to allow yourself to write your own story from that inside place, rather than from a place of guessing what other people might like or think is good. And the same goes for creating our lives. It is hard sometimes to take our eyes off the OUTSIDE, how we are seen, what others think of us, what others are doing, accomplishing, or what some outside standard is for success - in any area. But it's all distraction from our true job - to be and express who we are and what we most want and love, and what matters to us.
Max doesn't need to wipe out his emotionality, he needs to listen to it and respect himself in all his uniqueness and this alone with calm the reactive part of his emotional responses. He was the one that told me (sorrowfully), when he was five, that he was different from the other children. And I told him that he had just realized he was different much before all the other kids had (it might take well into adult-hood for some) and that it is a gift. Because the sooner you see how you're different and embrace the the diversity YOU bring to the world stage, the sooner you shine your unique light. And your light helps illuminate us all.
So to Max I'll say (on a day when I have not promised to remain silent and he is feeling better and might be able to hear it): ask yourself "What's Next? What do I want next?" From the place you are right now, from This Moment(it's all we ever have), and then instead of fighting against yourself, and your perceived deficits, work with yourself. I think, then, the tears just have to dry up; I cannot see how they can remain if you are validating yourself, the way in which you are different, and therefore, the difference you are here to make in the WORLD.
And when you've owned your place in the world, there no longer feels like a need to hide from it, in any way.
I hope to offer this to Max sometime soon.
Lots of love to you.
All is Well,
Jen
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
The Next You (written 10/27/07)
Hello Travelers - this week along the path I discovered something about : Battling Brothers, Seeing from All Angles, and Allowing Ourselves to Believe we can have What We Want. It's true. Hold on to your hat, let's go!
This week, Sawyer took to using his hands as little, talking people - sort of like puppets only without the puppets. He calls them "The Brothers" and each hand talks to the other. And he talks to the two of them. His pretending in this way became so intense that it persisted during his swim lesson - to Bill's distress-and carried on into much of dinner ( and beyond). At dinner, the Brothers received understandable mixed reaction from the family. Bill had already expressed his distaste for their disruptive ways during swimming class and Sawyer was trying to understand why no one seemed to like them. After a bit, he tearily began to talk about how they felt; it turns out they want to make friends (at school) but are afraid.
Bill had told me that he and Sawyer had seen Angelica (Sawyer's original preschool teacher who adored him) on their way to swim class, and that she was amazed at how tall he'd gotten, and how exited and pleased Sawyer was about this. So, I asked Sawyer how it felt to have Angelica comment on how tall he is now, and he said it felt great. I explained that, that's because he wants to grow and change and get stronger and when she said that, she was saying that he WAS. And wanting to make friends is part of wanting to grow and change also - that great sense of expansion that is so important. With tears in his eyes, he explained his feelings of not wanting the other kids to "bug" him, wanting to be able to be alone, but at the same time, wanting to make friends. So, his distress (and the Brothers) was coming from wanting to make friends and at the same time doubting he CAN without losing his ability to be alone. And so, he'd resorted to pretend (as is his way) to cope with feeling bad from those conflicting thoughts and also, perhaps, to have some "friends" readily available that aren't so challenging to the way he's used to being.
I've been watching myself struggle in a similar fashion.
Over a month ago, Bill interviewed me for an on-line magazine he's starting for the Pacific Northwest Writers Association. They're going to video tape author interviews and have the videos available on the website. I was nervous about being video-taped as I have a lot of self-consciousness sometimes but I decided to do it for Bill and for me as I knew it was the right direction for me to go. When I saw the footage, I couldn't bear it. I thought I looked awful. I will not go into the reasons because it feels lousy to drudge up all that insecurity and painful thinking, but I will tell you that my unhappiness with how I looked was so piercing that I wanted to keep it from being seen. I knew in my heart I wasn't going to do this, but I also knew I felt terrible and wanted that feeling to end. Over time, as I've worked on letting it go, I've realized that even though it is not what I want, I can let it be, and, in doing so, let myself become whatever is NEXT.
I had great fear that I was going to be STUCK in the place of how I was seeing myself in that video if others were to witness it too. And so, I wanted to try to control that. But I also realized that, that approach was never going to bring me peace. The only thing that was going to bring me peace was to ALLOW others to see me from all angles, always. It is the striving to control that makes me weary and sad because it is impossible. But letting it go and allowing others to see me however they see me, actually frees me to move on from the spot I don't want to be in. In trying to control others and keep them from seeing what I think is deficient about me, I am actually (ironically) holding on to to seeing myself in the way I don't want.
Like Sawyer, I am wanting to grow, move on, expand, become something new and better and am afraid that I cannot, and am afraid of losing control. In Sawyer's case, he's afraid of losing control of being alone. In my case, I am afraid of losing control of how I am seen. Both of us are feeling a strong pull to become more, to expand, and both of us are doubting our ability to do it. And that's the real source of the pain, and that's what the Brothers are actually arguing over, not over losing a kind of control we never had in the first place.
But how great it is to grow. And although letting go can feel dangerous, what a huge relief it is to allow ourselves to move on to the next thing. Always better to be more of who we really are.
Here's to letting go of the way we're used to seeing ourselves, in order to find the relief in being our new selves. Cheers!
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen
This week, Sawyer took to using his hands as little, talking people - sort of like puppets only without the puppets. He calls them "The Brothers" and each hand talks to the other. And he talks to the two of them. His pretending in this way became so intense that it persisted during his swim lesson - to Bill's distress-and carried on into much of dinner ( and beyond). At dinner, the Brothers received understandable mixed reaction from the family. Bill had already expressed his distaste for their disruptive ways during swimming class and Sawyer was trying to understand why no one seemed to like them. After a bit, he tearily began to talk about how they felt; it turns out they want to make friends (at school) but are afraid.
Bill had told me that he and Sawyer had seen Angelica (Sawyer's original preschool teacher who adored him) on their way to swim class, and that she was amazed at how tall he'd gotten, and how exited and pleased Sawyer was about this. So, I asked Sawyer how it felt to have Angelica comment on how tall he is now, and he said it felt great. I explained that, that's because he wants to grow and change and get stronger and when she said that, she was saying that he WAS. And wanting to make friends is part of wanting to grow and change also - that great sense of expansion that is so important. With tears in his eyes, he explained his feelings of not wanting the other kids to "bug" him, wanting to be able to be alone, but at the same time, wanting to make friends. So, his distress (and the Brothers) was coming from wanting to make friends and at the same time doubting he CAN without losing his ability to be alone. And so, he'd resorted to pretend (as is his way) to cope with feeling bad from those conflicting thoughts and also, perhaps, to have some "friends" readily available that aren't so challenging to the way he's used to being.
I've been watching myself struggle in a similar fashion.
Over a month ago, Bill interviewed me for an on-line magazine he's starting for the Pacific Northwest Writers Association. They're going to video tape author interviews and have the videos available on the website. I was nervous about being video-taped as I have a lot of self-consciousness sometimes but I decided to do it for Bill and for me as I knew it was the right direction for me to go. When I saw the footage, I couldn't bear it. I thought I looked awful. I will not go into the reasons because it feels lousy to drudge up all that insecurity and painful thinking, but I will tell you that my unhappiness with how I looked was so piercing that I wanted to keep it from being seen. I knew in my heart I wasn't going to do this, but I also knew I felt terrible and wanted that feeling to end. Over time, as I've worked on letting it go, I've realized that even though it is not what I want, I can let it be, and, in doing so, let myself become whatever is NEXT.
I had great fear that I was going to be STUCK in the place of how I was seeing myself in that video if others were to witness it too. And so, I wanted to try to control that. But I also realized that, that approach was never going to bring me peace. The only thing that was going to bring me peace was to ALLOW others to see me from all angles, always. It is the striving to control that makes me weary and sad because it is impossible. But letting it go and allowing others to see me however they see me, actually frees me to move on from the spot I don't want to be in. In trying to control others and keep them from seeing what I think is deficient about me, I am actually (ironically) holding on to to seeing myself in the way I don't want.
Like Sawyer, I am wanting to grow, move on, expand, become something new and better and am afraid that I cannot, and am afraid of losing control. In Sawyer's case, he's afraid of losing control of being alone. In my case, I am afraid of losing control of how I am seen. Both of us are feeling a strong pull to become more, to expand, and both of us are doubting our ability to do it. And that's the real source of the pain, and that's what the Brothers are actually arguing over, not over losing a kind of control we never had in the first place.
But how great it is to grow. And although letting go can feel dangerous, what a huge relief it is to allow ourselves to move on to the next thing. Always better to be more of who we really are.
Here's to letting go of the way we're used to seeing ourselves, in order to find the relief in being our new selves. Cheers!
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen
The Limitations of Argument (written 10/24/07)
Hi my muchachas! THE NEWS this week explores the limitations of ARGUMENT and considers the idea that maybe our Problems are not to be fought, after all. Let's see what we can see from here.
This last week, Bill went through a somewhat traumatic mental challenge when he decided to engage in debate in an on-line philosophical chat. As he tried to redirect the participants' thoughts, he found himself being lambasted and feeling somewhat haunted by his communication with these contentious strangers. He had thought he could enter the discussion calmly, insightfully and bring heightened consciousness to the conversation, but the dogs came-a-barkin' and before he knew it he was being chased down the cyber highway at full speed.
It took him a couple of days to debrief from this experience. He had thought he just wanted to share his ideas, but after a while of reflecting upon it, he realized he was looking for something more. Admittedly, to one degree or another, he had wanted to poke holes in the other arguments, and so had drawn people who very much wanted to poke holes in his. He had, without realizing it, Entered Arguing - a position that always bespeaks feeling powerless.
Here's another story I think is related:
One evening, Sawyer expressed his concern about the house catching on fire (he had been reading about fire drills in one of his kids' magazines). Bill explained how we would exit if a fire were to happen; he worked to reassure him about the availability of doors and ways to get out if necessary. We both brought up numerous examples of why Sawyer could consider himself safe, but he persisted. He expressed his concern that if we have a fire in the fireplace, it might spread and catch the whole house on fire. Again, we countered that, that wouldn't happen. The fire in the fireplace stays in the fireplace. But still, Sawyer's questions kept coming. For, he, like Bill, was trying to Feel Better, reassured, safer through Argument. It cannot be done. There was nothing we could say (in this vein) that was really going to sooth him the way he wanted to be soothed. Arguments and explanations, overall, do not sooth and calm. For there is always ANOTHER argument or angle that can be made or taken that seems to disprove the stability of the last. There is no place to rest in the state of argument.
Finally, I told Sawyer to put his hand on his heart and ask himself if our house was going to burn down and if he was safe or not. He did so and then laughed . He said he was safe.
There is a strong impulse in us to Enter Arguing - to work to disprove someone else's position or prove our own in order to feel okay. And we argue and fight against what we think is threatening us, in an effort to feel our power again and make ourselves feel safe. But, as Bill soon discovered, and as Sawyer found when he asked HIMSELF for the truth, the soothing perspective (= the resolution), comes from WITHIN (first) always. And, ironically, the more we cast our line outside ourselves for reassurance, validation, and a sense of security, the less secure we feel.
When we decide something is a problem: The House Might Burn Down, or Those People are Not Understanding the Truth, we put ourselves in the position of having to fix the situation and our campaign for wanting to change external conditions begins. When actually the "problem" is a clarifying agent for helping us understand where our thinking is and what shift we need from OURSELVES (not the outside world). Sawyer worrying about the house burning down was an indicator (as there was no external threat) of his needing to shift his internal feeling of being UNSAFE . Bill wanting validation for his ideas from internet message- boarders, was an indicator of his yearning to clarify things for himself and experience validation of what he believes - from himself.
It's always an inside-out job. I can't see how we can avoid it.
Much love, much love, much love.
All is Well,
Jen
This last week, Bill went through a somewhat traumatic mental challenge when he decided to engage in debate in an on-line philosophical chat. As he tried to redirect the participants' thoughts, he found himself being lambasted and feeling somewhat haunted by his communication with these contentious strangers. He had thought he could enter the discussion calmly, insightfully and bring heightened consciousness to the conversation, but the dogs came-a-barkin' and before he knew it he was being chased down the cyber highway at full speed.
It took him a couple of days to debrief from this experience. He had thought he just wanted to share his ideas, but after a while of reflecting upon it, he realized he was looking for something more. Admittedly, to one degree or another, he had wanted to poke holes in the other arguments, and so had drawn people who very much wanted to poke holes in his. He had, without realizing it, Entered Arguing - a position that always bespeaks feeling powerless.
Here's another story I think is related:
One evening, Sawyer expressed his concern about the house catching on fire (he had been reading about fire drills in one of his kids' magazines). Bill explained how we would exit if a fire were to happen; he worked to reassure him about the availability of doors and ways to get out if necessary. We both brought up numerous examples of why Sawyer could consider himself safe, but he persisted. He expressed his concern that if we have a fire in the fireplace, it might spread and catch the whole house on fire. Again, we countered that, that wouldn't happen. The fire in the fireplace stays in the fireplace. But still, Sawyer's questions kept coming. For, he, like Bill, was trying to Feel Better, reassured, safer through Argument. It cannot be done. There was nothing we could say (in this vein) that was really going to sooth him the way he wanted to be soothed. Arguments and explanations, overall, do not sooth and calm. For there is always ANOTHER argument or angle that can be made or taken that seems to disprove the stability of the last. There is no place to rest in the state of argument.
Finally, I told Sawyer to put his hand on his heart and ask himself if our house was going to burn down and if he was safe or not. He did so and then laughed . He said he was safe.
There is a strong impulse in us to Enter Arguing - to work to disprove someone else's position or prove our own in order to feel okay. And we argue and fight against what we think is threatening us, in an effort to feel our power again and make ourselves feel safe. But, as Bill soon discovered, and as Sawyer found when he asked HIMSELF for the truth, the soothing perspective (= the resolution), comes from WITHIN (first) always. And, ironically, the more we cast our line outside ourselves for reassurance, validation, and a sense of security, the less secure we feel.
When we decide something is a problem: The House Might Burn Down, or Those People are Not Understanding the Truth, we put ourselves in the position of having to fix the situation and our campaign for wanting to change external conditions begins. When actually the "problem" is a clarifying agent for helping us understand where our thinking is and what shift we need from OURSELVES (not the outside world). Sawyer worrying about the house burning down was an indicator (as there was no external threat) of his needing to shift his internal feeling of being UNSAFE . Bill wanting validation for his ideas from internet message- boarders, was an indicator of his yearning to clarify things for himself and experience validation of what he believes - from himself.
It's always an inside-out job. I can't see how we can avoid it.
Much love, much love, much love.
All is Well,
Jen
Your Gift (written 10/15/07)
Hi peoples. This week's news is entitled: YOUR GIFT. Let's go find out what that is. . . .
This last week, I was having a bumpy time of it and one day, I was with Sawyer, trying to get him started on his homework, when he said, "Mom, I've never seen you like this before." I apologized and told him I was very unsettled in myself, but that didn't actually put an end to his concern. I left him to do his homework and nestled my unsettled-self out on the couch, in front of the television, with a blanket draped over me, hoping to shift my emotional disposition.
The next thing I know, Sawyer has come out of his room and sat beside me.
"I feel like you hate me."
Now, I am miserable and guilty.
"No," I say, "No, no, no. I don't hate you. Not at all; I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm kind of angry with myself."
"But I don't want you to be like the old Colin."
Colin is a character from the book, The Secret Garden. He is the boy who initially lies in bed all the time and focuses only on all the things he's afraid of, making himself weak and reactive in body and mind. I am struck by how insightful this remark is and how well Sawyer makes these kinds of connections. I tell him this and we go back into his bedroom to do his homework.
Later that day, while I was preparing his dinner, I brought up his reference to Colin again.
He said, "I know when people are feeling like that. And I want to help them learn how to enjoy life."
"That's great!" I said, "That's your gift - that's part of what you're here to do, part of what you have to offer - to help people learn how to enjoy life. How great that you know that about yourself! "
His face lit up.
"Tell Dad," he said.
Not everyone articulates their gift at age eight, but we can certainly strive to articulate it now.
And our gift is not our ability to do something in particular, it is a perspective that we both want to offer and deep down know to be true, even if, for some reason, life has caused us to doubt or forsake it. There's a lot of emphasis on people's talents and abilities, but these don't always reflect our greatest gifts. Our greatest gift is always that which we most WANT TO SHARE. And it makes sense, that what we want to give is our gift. There's nothing more to it. And the things we Do or Say are either in service to that GIFT or are not. And I think, the more our lives are filled with activities, actions, and attitudes that are not vehicles for this gift, the more likely we are to feel down.
So, what got me in Collin-mode that day? More rounds of : "I want, but I don't think I can have." And that is depressing. But it doesn't have to be that way. "I want and I am learning how" feels infinitely better. I certainly wasn't hating Sawyer that day, and I wasn't actually hating myself, I was hating the thought, "I don't think I can be it, or do it, or have or express that which I am so wanting to be, do, have, or express." Which means, I can't give my gift. And that does suck.
What is it that gets Collin out of his bed and painful frame of mind? He becomes captivated by life's potential , in the form of The Secret Garden. And what is it that lifts me at that moments? Allowing myself to become captivated by my own potential and possibility which organically turns self-doubt into wanting to learn and grow - and that is open to each of us at every moment.
So, off the couch I go - to plant something new. Join me, join me, join me. I love hearing from you.
Best to you all.
Lots of love.
All is well,
Jen
This last week, I was having a bumpy time of it and one day, I was with Sawyer, trying to get him started on his homework, when he said, "Mom, I've never seen you like this before." I apologized and told him I was very unsettled in myself, but that didn't actually put an end to his concern. I left him to do his homework and nestled my unsettled-self out on the couch, in front of the television, with a blanket draped over me, hoping to shift my emotional disposition.
The next thing I know, Sawyer has come out of his room and sat beside me.
"I feel like you hate me."
Now, I am miserable and guilty.
"No," I say, "No, no, no. I don't hate you. Not at all; I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm kind of angry with myself."
"But I don't want you to be like the old Colin."
Colin is a character from the book, The Secret Garden. He is the boy who initially lies in bed all the time and focuses only on all the things he's afraid of, making himself weak and reactive in body and mind. I am struck by how insightful this remark is and how well Sawyer makes these kinds of connections. I tell him this and we go back into his bedroom to do his homework.
Later that day, while I was preparing his dinner, I brought up his reference to Colin again.
He said, "I know when people are feeling like that. And I want to help them learn how to enjoy life."
"That's great!" I said, "That's your gift - that's part of what you're here to do, part of what you have to offer - to help people learn how to enjoy life. How great that you know that about yourself! "
His face lit up.
"Tell Dad," he said.
Not everyone articulates their gift at age eight, but we can certainly strive to articulate it now.
And our gift is not our ability to do something in particular, it is a perspective that we both want to offer and deep down know to be true, even if, for some reason, life has caused us to doubt or forsake it. There's a lot of emphasis on people's talents and abilities, but these don't always reflect our greatest gifts. Our greatest gift is always that which we most WANT TO SHARE. And it makes sense, that what we want to give is our gift. There's nothing more to it. And the things we Do or Say are either in service to that GIFT or are not. And I think, the more our lives are filled with activities, actions, and attitudes that are not vehicles for this gift, the more likely we are to feel down.
So, what got me in Collin-mode that day? More rounds of : "I want, but I don't think I can have." And that is depressing. But it doesn't have to be that way. "I want and I am learning how" feels infinitely better. I certainly wasn't hating Sawyer that day, and I wasn't actually hating myself, I was hating the thought, "I don't think I can be it, or do it, or have or express that which I am so wanting to be, do, have, or express." Which means, I can't give my gift. And that does suck.
What is it that gets Collin out of his bed and painful frame of mind? He becomes captivated by life's potential , in the form of The Secret Garden. And what is it that lifts me at that moments? Allowing myself to become captivated by my own potential and possibility which organically turns self-doubt into wanting to learn and grow - and that is open to each of us at every moment.
So, off the couch I go - to plant something new. Join me, join me, join me. I love hearing from you.
Best to you all.
Lots of love.
All is well,
Jen
Monday, October 15, 2007
The Best Use of Will Power (written 10/12/07)
Hello fellow travelers. This week's NEWS is about Dental Mishaps, Wanting to Curl Up Into A Ball, The Best Use of Will Power, and Getting Things Moving Again.
First off, let me give you some background on where I have unwittingly traveled to recently.
Several weeks ago, I had a dental mishap that involved my top teeth and my bottom front tooth colliding and scraping (while eating a bagel) that resulted in roughening up the edge of my bottom tooth. It was a traumatic moment for me in which I keenly registered the impact of this misalignment. I called the dentist fairly soon thereafter. He filed that spot down a bit and warned me to be careful. He then proceeded to tell me the story of another careless person who had bitten down on a fork and broke their tooth. I found his lack of compassion for the accident victim/perpetrator unsettling.
Then, the other day, the same thing happened again with the same tooth (I believe). This stirred up a low-level hysteria characterized by feeling out of control and vulnerable . Suddenly, I felt unable to trust myself in regards to normal, low-risk activities like eating. Round two of spastic biting occurred on a Friday. My dentist doesn't work on Fridays. I decided to wait until Monday. Fast-forward over a weekend of chewing carefully. My concern grew bigger and bigger, not so much over the particular tooth, but over what I feared might be a developing trend. Monday arrived along with a strong case of Not Wanting To Call.
There were other things I wanted to do Monday, also. I wanted to write but felt stuck. I wanted to order some promotional things for VIOLET BING but felt stymied in my attempts. After some time of feeling lost and tormented, thinking things that made me feel bad , I lay down on the loveseat and threw up the surrender flag. I wanted to take action, but the troubled state within was too great. But I didn't lie there thinking those thoughts; I surrendered those thoughts and focused in my chest, and let a kind of restful, soothing weight rest there. I gave over to that. I had no hope, at that point, that doing this would help me in the least, but I didn't know what else to do. About five or ten minutes went by and suddenly, I found myself jumping up with new energy. I went to the bathroom and fixed my hair; I went to the phone and now felt okay about calling the dentist; I went to the computer and started working on the things on my list. As it turned out, when I got through to the dentist, there was only one appointment available that week and that was only because someone had recently canceled. If I had called in the morning as I'd planned - that appointment wouldn't have existed.
All of a sudden, things were moving again and I really couldn't say why. Where did that bad feeling go? It had been so heavy, so oppressive, so stifling.
The same thing happened the other night, around dinner time. I was feeling miserable. And I felt awful being around Bill and the kids as I knew I was like a contagion - bound to do more harm than good, yet I couldn't seem to shake it. I wrote in my journal but found no relief. After considering retreating to my room during dinner and sparing us all further tension, I decided to lie down for a few minutes and see how that went. I did my best to focus in my chest/heart area again, and when Bill called me to dinner, I could tell "it" had lifted.
What happened? Ten minutes before, I had been consumed by negative feeling ; I was in distress just being seen. Now, I felt free again, to talk and be and that THING was gone. In deciding to leave those painful thoughts , rather than trying to use THEM to get me out of the place they'd put me in, something else was allowed to happen, something that sets things right and allows us to leave the jail we've temporarily constructed for ourselves.
Stuck is always - stuck thinking the wrong thought.
The best use of my Will Power is to use my will to Let Go of my current troubling thoughts. It's an act of Trust. When I've made myself Wrong or Powerless, I'm in a War. And the casualty of the war is always ME. To get things moving again means, to allow myself to move off of what hurts. This takes practice.
Much Love to You All.
All is Well,
Jen
First off, let me give you some background on where I have unwittingly traveled to recently.
Several weeks ago, I had a dental mishap that involved my top teeth and my bottom front tooth colliding and scraping (while eating a bagel) that resulted in roughening up the edge of my bottom tooth. It was a traumatic moment for me in which I keenly registered the impact of this misalignment. I called the dentist fairly soon thereafter. He filed that spot down a bit and warned me to be careful. He then proceeded to tell me the story of another careless person who had bitten down on a fork and broke their tooth. I found his lack of compassion for the accident victim/perpetrator unsettling.
Then, the other day, the same thing happened again with the same tooth (I believe). This stirred up a low-level hysteria characterized by feeling out of control and vulnerable . Suddenly, I felt unable to trust myself in regards to normal, low-risk activities like eating. Round two of spastic biting occurred on a Friday. My dentist doesn't work on Fridays. I decided to wait until Monday. Fast-forward over a weekend of chewing carefully. My concern grew bigger and bigger, not so much over the particular tooth, but over what I feared might be a developing trend. Monday arrived along with a strong case of Not Wanting To Call.
There were other things I wanted to do Monday, also. I wanted to write but felt stuck. I wanted to order some promotional things for VIOLET BING but felt stymied in my attempts. After some time of feeling lost and tormented, thinking things that made me feel bad , I lay down on the loveseat and threw up the surrender flag. I wanted to take action, but the troubled state within was too great. But I didn't lie there thinking those thoughts; I surrendered those thoughts and focused in my chest, and let a kind of restful, soothing weight rest there. I gave over to that. I had no hope, at that point, that doing this would help me in the least, but I didn't know what else to do. About five or ten minutes went by and suddenly, I found myself jumping up with new energy. I went to the bathroom and fixed my hair; I went to the phone and now felt okay about calling the dentist; I went to the computer and started working on the things on my list. As it turned out, when I got through to the dentist, there was only one appointment available that week and that was only because someone had recently canceled. If I had called in the morning as I'd planned - that appointment wouldn't have existed.
All of a sudden, things were moving again and I really couldn't say why. Where did that bad feeling go? It had been so heavy, so oppressive, so stifling.
The same thing happened the other night, around dinner time. I was feeling miserable. And I felt awful being around Bill and the kids as I knew I was like a contagion - bound to do more harm than good, yet I couldn't seem to shake it. I wrote in my journal but found no relief. After considering retreating to my room during dinner and sparing us all further tension, I decided to lie down for a few minutes and see how that went. I did my best to focus in my chest/heart area again, and when Bill called me to dinner, I could tell "it" had lifted.
What happened? Ten minutes before, I had been consumed by negative feeling ; I was in distress just being seen. Now, I felt free again, to talk and be and that THING was gone. In deciding to leave those painful thoughts , rather than trying to use THEM to get me out of the place they'd put me in, something else was allowed to happen, something that sets things right and allows us to leave the jail we've temporarily constructed for ourselves.
Stuck is always - stuck thinking the wrong thought.
The best use of my Will Power is to use my will to Let Go of my current troubling thoughts. It's an act of Trust. When I've made myself Wrong or Powerless, I'm in a War. And the casualty of the war is always ME. To get things moving again means, to allow myself to move off of what hurts. This takes practice.
Much Love to You All.
All is Well,
Jen
Expansion (written 10/1/07)
Hello People! Let's glide into October with a little talk about Geography, Learning to Clean More, Expansion, and how thinking you are Inadequate SUCKS but can be useful. Okay - here we go!
A couple weeks ago I was speaking to my Mom on the phone. Some how the conversation rolled around to housekeeping. I had discovered that we had greatly neglected cleaning Sawyer's room to the point where it needed a grand overhaul (which I gave it). I believe I was bemoaning our lack of attention to cleaning when my mother suggested we hire someone to help us. Her idea was that either the maid come in once a month (for a thorough cleaning job) or we bring her in to get the house to the place we wanted it to be in and then work to maintain it ourselves. I complained , saying that I didn't want to hire anyone. And then, to my surprise, in the middle of feeling bad about myself and ashamed of our cleaning, I heard myself say this, "I would rather learn how to do it myself." And when I that thought hit my consciousness, I understood that all the times I've felt bad about the house not being "clean enough" were actually representative of me wanting to learn how to tend to it more to my OWN liking. I had thought it was just outside criticism that I was bristling against and feeling inadequate in the light of, but now I understood it differently. I, apparently, wanted to Expand and Learn. I'd been feeling bad simply because I thought I COULDN'T change it.
Shortly after that conversation- the likes of which would have previously left me angry and feeling judged - I created a list of all the different components to keeping the kitchen clean (as the kitchen was the room least tended), some of which I was currently doing, some of which I rarely if ever did, and some of which I did but too infrequently to make much difference. I taped it to the inside cabinet and determined that I would choose to do just a little more each time I was in there . I could choose anything off the list, and no task had to be COMPLETED immediately, but could just be started and finished later, over time. This way, I thought, I would not overwhelm myself. I
star ted with the area around the sink and learning how to keep it clean consistently and I moved on from there.
What I immediately noticed was that was I was excited about it. I w as excited about changing and the idea that I COULD change old habits. That it was really just a re-education that was in order, nothing more. I wasn't going to have to feel bad about myself, or make myself do things I didn't want, or do things according to other people's expectations; this was really for ME and was going to make ME feel better. And then I started thinking about other areas that I feel SENSITIVE about or had determined in jest or seriousness that I am INADEQUATE in (or not as up to speed as I'd like). One of these areas is Geography.
I went on-line and looked up maps and games to learn Geography and I began. I started with Europe. And I set a similar expectation (as with my cleaning) to educate myself a small amount at a time, and to begin to adopt a new view of myself in this area. Later, I told Bill that I had felt a great sense of RELIEF from studying the Geography. And the same can be said for my cleaning. I'm feeling RELIEF from the Tending to things I wanted to be tended, but was RESISTING. And I've noticed that now when Bill speaks of political situations occurring in different areas of the world, I sort of perk up and want to learn WHERE those countries are in relation to the others I know about. And I don't feel so sensitive about my cleaning because I know I am learning. And all of a sudden, I feel expansive. Just from a little Geography and a little Spic n' Span.
I am starting to understand that all the times I feel Offended, Distressed, Hurt, or Angry by what someone or a situation is emphasizing about me, there is something I am wanting for myself underneath that. There is some way in which I have abandoned myself or seen myself as less than, that needs to be tended. And it's my job to take care of that. I can keep blaming other people, and I can keep feeling bad about myself, but I am missing the boat either way. We CRAVE learning, we CRAVE expansion, we CRAVE greater command in our lives and greater connection with ALL of who we are - naturally. It's all about wanting to Expand and Learn and see myself as More than I have previously.
It seems odd that learning to tend to cleaning more or where Croatia is, makes me feel better, but they do. So, I will not argue with this information and I will work to discover other ways in which I am craving expansion. And it doesn't matter whether it seems Large or Small, for I believe, either have the capacity to change the way we see ourselves and open new doors.
Here's to opening new doors this week and catching up to the YOU you are wanting to become. Things can and do change with the smallest new movement.
Lots of Love.
All is Well,
Jen
A couple weeks ago I was speaking to my Mom on the phone. Some how the conversation rolled around to housekeeping. I had discovered that we had greatly neglected cleaning Sawyer's room to the point where it needed a grand overhaul (which I gave it). I believe I was bemoaning our lack of attention to cleaning when my mother suggested we hire someone to help us. Her idea was that either the maid come in once a month (for a thorough cleaning job) or we bring her in to get the house to the place we wanted it to be in and then work to maintain it ourselves. I complained , saying that I didn't want to hire anyone. And then, to my surprise, in the middle of feeling bad about myself and ashamed of our cleaning, I heard myself say this, "I would rather learn how to do it myself." And when I that thought hit my consciousness, I understood that all the times I've felt bad about the house not being "clean enough" were actually representative of me wanting to learn how to tend to it more to my OWN liking. I had thought it was just outside criticism that I was bristling against and feeling inadequate in the light of, but now I understood it differently. I, apparently, wanted to Expand and Learn. I'd been feeling bad simply because I thought I COULDN'T change it.
Shortly after that conversation- the likes of which would have previously left me angry and feeling judged - I created a list of all the different components to keeping the kitchen clean (as the kitchen was the room least tended), some of which I was currently doing, some of which I rarely if ever did, and some of which I did but too infrequently to make much difference. I taped it to the inside cabinet and determined that I would choose to do just a little more each time I was in there . I could choose anything off the list, and no task had to be COMPLETED immediately, but could just be started and finished later, over time. This way, I thought, I would not overwhelm myself. I
star ted with the area around the sink and learning how to keep it clean consistently and I moved on from there.
What I immediately noticed was that was I was excited about it. I w as excited about changing and the idea that I COULD change old habits. That it was really just a re-education that was in order, nothing more. I wasn't going to have to feel bad about myself, or make myself do things I didn't want, or do things according to other people's expectations; this was really for ME and was going to make ME feel better. And then I started thinking about other areas that I feel SENSITIVE about or had determined in jest or seriousness that I am INADEQUATE in (or not as up to speed as I'd like). One of these areas is Geography.
I went on-line and looked up maps and games to learn Geography and I began. I started with Europe. And I set a similar expectation (as with my cleaning) to educate myself a small amount at a time, and to begin to adopt a new view of myself in this area. Later, I told Bill that I had felt a great sense of RELIEF from studying the Geography. And the same can be said for my cleaning. I'm feeling RELIEF from the Tending to things I wanted to be tended, but was RESISTING. And I've noticed that now when Bill speaks of political situations occurring in different areas of the world, I sort of perk up and want to learn WHERE those countries are in relation to the others I know about. And I don't feel so sensitive about my cleaning because I know I am learning. And all of a sudden, I feel expansive. Just from a little Geography and a little Spic n' Span.
I am starting to understand that all the times I feel Offended, Distressed, Hurt, or Angry by what someone or a situation is emphasizing about me, there is something I am wanting for myself underneath that. There is some way in which I have abandoned myself or seen myself as less than, that needs to be tended. And it's my job to take care of that. I can keep blaming other people, and I can keep feeling bad about myself, but I am missing the boat either way. We CRAVE learning, we CRAVE expansion, we CRAVE greater command in our lives and greater connection with ALL of who we are - naturally. It's all about wanting to Expand and Learn and see myself as More than I have previously.
It seems odd that learning to tend to cleaning more or where Croatia is, makes me feel better, but they do. So, I will not argue with this information and I will work to discover other ways in which I am craving expansion. And it doesn't matter whether it seems Large or Small, for I believe, either have the capacity to change the way we see ourselves and open new doors.
Here's to opening new doors this week and catching up to the YOU you are wanting to become. Things can and do change with the smallest new movement.
Lots of Love.
All is Well,
Jen
Forgetting (written 9/24/07)
Hi travelers - my advice to us this week : Forget About It. I know it seems harder than that, more complicated, maybe even impossible, but MAYBE, just maybe, the subject of our particular fixation, the thing that has most of our attention/concern/worry these days, can just be forgotten. And what would that be like? This week's JEN NEWS: Forgetting, Hysterics, and Growing the New. Here is a bit on the story that got me thinking about it.
We've been reading The Secret Garden (by Frances Hodgson Burnett) to Sawyer. It's my favorite book and he's really gotten into it. For those who haven't read it, or don't remember it all that clearly, it is the story of a ten year old girl named Mary Lennox who comes to live with her "hunchbacked", disillusioned uncle, Archibald Craven and his servants at Misselthwaite Manor after having lived in India and lost her parents to Cholera. She begins as an entitled, miserable, unpleasant, bossy, hard little person and comes to life as she finds the key to the Secret Garden and discovers her love of life, really, for the first time. In the course of the story, she also meets Colin Craven - her cousin- and son of Archibald who remains hidden away in the mansion, crying and throwing tantrums, convinced he is ill and going to die. Under the impression that he will grow a lump on his back like his father and that he is weak beyond repair , he keeps himself hidden, refusing fresh air and growing more frail every day. His presence is kept a secret until Mary discovers him one night when his cries can be heard from down the hall.
They have many meetings after that and she teaches him of the Secret Garden and all the potential there, for she is already working away at bringing the garden, which had been locked up for ten years, back to life. One night, however, Colin has one of these tantrums and brings himself to a hysterical state and Mary steps in and calls him on it. She demands that he stop screaming; she has him turn over and she examines his back . And when she does she can find no trace of a bump or lump anywhere. This is a huge relief to Colin as all of his hysterics are a result of his fixating on the idea that something terrible is happening to him. Later, when the doctor arrives, Colin expresses his desire to go outside (for the first time) and to go with Mary. The doctor is wary at first and tells him he must "remember", basically, that he is sick. And Colin says:
"I don't want to remember. When I lie by myself and remember I begin to have pains everywhere,
and I think of things that make me begin to scream because I hate them so. If there was a doctor
anywhere who could make you forget you were ill instead of remembering it, I would have him
brought here. It is because my cousin makes me forget that she makes me better."
So, Colin has figured it out. He's realized that no matter how real or compelling one of his thoughts can seem, or even how much evidence there seems to be of its "truth", it is the focusing upon those thoughts (those that he hates) that is creating his greatest, most real pain. And so, it is up to him: Does he choose to lie in his bed and fear the growing of a possible lump or does he wish to focus upon the potential inherent in THE SECRET GARDEN? This is his moment of choice, and this is the moment when he starts to grow strong and changes the course of his life.
It is easy to make ourselves weak with our thinking, sick with our thinking, tired, ugly, not enough, angry or powerless with our thinking.
But there comes a point, when in order to change what we most want to change, we actually have to Forget that which once seemed absolutely impossible to forget. So, forget it. Whatever the "it" is. This perception of self as weakened -as powerless - is the most painful perception one can hold. So, forget it. It was never true and you know it (regardless of what situation or experience seemed to inspire this thought). And Remember your strong self again by following the trail of what you love and what feels good to think about and grow.
Our power is like Colin's power, it is there waiting. And it always will be.
So, this week, let us forget our limitations and let ourselves open the doors available . There is always a Secret Garden in our peripheral vision. There is always a Thought of Something that feels better that can be built upon.
Lots of love to you all.
All is Well,
Jen
We've been reading The Secret Garden (by Frances Hodgson Burnett) to Sawyer. It's my favorite book and he's really gotten into it. For those who haven't read it, or don't remember it all that clearly, it is the story of a ten year old girl named Mary Lennox who comes to live with her "hunchbacked", disillusioned uncle, Archibald Craven and his servants at Misselthwaite Manor after having lived in India and lost her parents to Cholera. She begins as an entitled, miserable, unpleasant, bossy, hard little person and comes to life as she finds the key to the Secret Garden and discovers her love of life, really, for the first time. In the course of the story, she also meets Colin Craven - her cousin- and son of Archibald who remains hidden away in the mansion, crying and throwing tantrums, convinced he is ill and going to die. Under the impression that he will grow a lump on his back like his father and that he is weak beyond repair , he keeps himself hidden, refusing fresh air and growing more frail every day. His presence is kept a secret until Mary discovers him one night when his cries can be heard from down the hall.
They have many meetings after that and she teaches him of the Secret Garden and all the potential there, for she is already working away at bringing the garden, which had been locked up for ten years, back to life. One night, however, Colin has one of these tantrums and brings himself to a hysterical state and Mary steps in and calls him on it. She demands that he stop screaming; she has him turn over and she examines his back . And when she does she can find no trace of a bump or lump anywhere. This is a huge relief to Colin as all of his hysterics are a result of his fixating on the idea that something terrible is happening to him. Later, when the doctor arrives, Colin expresses his desire to go outside (for the first time) and to go with Mary. The doctor is wary at first and tells him he must "remember", basically, that he is sick. And Colin says:
"I don't want to remember. When I lie by myself and remember I begin to have pains everywhere,
and I think of things that make me begin to scream because I hate them so. If there was a doctor
anywhere who could make you forget you were ill instead of remembering it, I would have him
brought here. It is because my cousin makes me forget that she makes me better."
So, Colin has figured it out. He's realized that no matter how real or compelling one of his thoughts can seem, or even how much evidence there seems to be of its "truth", it is the focusing upon those thoughts (those that he hates) that is creating his greatest, most real pain. And so, it is up to him: Does he choose to lie in his bed and fear the growing of a possible lump or does he wish to focus upon the potential inherent in THE SECRET GARDEN? This is his moment of choice, and this is the moment when he starts to grow strong and changes the course of his life.
It is easy to make ourselves weak with our thinking, sick with our thinking, tired, ugly, not enough, angry or powerless with our thinking.
But there comes a point, when in order to change what we most want to change, we actually have to Forget that which once seemed absolutely impossible to forget. So, forget it. Whatever the "it" is. This perception of self as weakened -as powerless - is the most painful perception one can hold. So, forget it. It was never true and you know it (regardless of what situation or experience seemed to inspire this thought). And Remember your strong self again by following the trail of what you love and what feels good to think about and grow.
Our power is like Colin's power, it is there waiting. And it always will be.
So, this week, let us forget our limitations and let ourselves open the doors available . There is always a Secret Garden in our peripheral vision. There is always a Thought of Something that feels better that can be built upon.
Lots of love to you all.
All is Well,
Jen
Immunity Through Forgiveness (written 9/17/07)
Hello Fellow Leaders.
This week, I caught a cold. Thank you - it was tricky, but I did manage to get my hands on one and apply it directly to my sinuses and nose and the now red chaffed skin above my upper lip. This week's JEN NEWS is about a slightly different kind of Exposure and Vulnerability (as well as Forgiveness) and real Safety . So, step away from the vaporizer for a moment, put down the cough drops and your fifteenth cup of tea, and let's find out what I've got to say now.
Several years ago, I was in the grocery store when I inadvertently clipped the heel of a slender, white-haired, older woman in front of me with my cart. I immediately apologized repeatedly, but she ran-stumbled-hopped off very quickly, grabbing her ankle - not unlike a wounded animal running for the woods. I wanted to apologize again, but she had already gone to the end of the isle and was sort of pacing back and forth to tend her injury. I could see her, now and again, appear at the opening of the isle. She never made eye contact with me, and either hadn't heard my apology or could not receive it. As she ran off in her injured state, her old husband was left behind. I was still in a very apologetic mode, looking to set the situation right with someone. I looked at him and he stood very close to me and said, "Next time, watch where you're going!"
I was a bit shocked (and injured, I have to admit) by his anger over the accident, but it was clear that his wife had given him the charge of standing guard over her vulnerability and he had failed. Apparently, they had both agreed (and perhaps with good reason - perhaps she'd had a severe illness, or condition that was ongoing or which had just resolved - or maybe not) that she was wounded and needed protection and here, the insensitive world - played by ME- had gotten her and reminded them, just how vulnerable she was at any given moment.
And it was hard for them to recoup. The incident had so shaken them, they couldn't receive my apology or compassion. In fact, each time I happened to see them in the other isles shopping, they fixedly refused to look at me (as I was still hoping to apologize again, feeling so restless and uncomfortable in my currently unforgiven state).
No matter what that old woman had lived to bring her to the place of feeling so vulnerable and such a victim - it really doesn't matter- for ultimately the state of reactiveness and weakness and perpetual anger (at the world for Doing Things To Her) her current mind set was keeping her in a place that was equally or even more painful. And, in her state of extreme woundedness and vulnerability, all she could pass on to me was MORE OF THE SAME. As a result of our interraction, all the needy, vulnerability, wounded, Done-To , Blaming, Victimized feelings rose in me, came to the forefront and left me in a similar place . And now, ironically, I was feeling unforgiving towards this old couple - their exact stance towards me .
Recently, I heard a radio hypnotist work out a problem with a caller. The caller was a smoker and she wanted to quit. In the course of her work with this woman, the hypnotist discovered that the woman's father used to smoke. Her father had died. The hypnotist figured out that the woman was actually smoking to feel connection with her father. When the woman realized this, every time she went to smoke, it was no longer the same. Her consciousness had changed and she started seeking more direct ways of feeling connected to her deceased father and she was able to quit pretty easily. It had been a paltry substitution for a genuine desire.
When we try to protect ourselves, it too is a paltry substitution for a legitimate desire: the desire to feel SAFE. All negative habits of thought or action are puny attempts to get us into closer proximity to the feeling we're really wanting. There's the kind of exposure that feels good - where we're being SEEN and HEARD as we're all meant to be, and there's the kind where we're AFRAID to be SEEN and HEARD because who knows what crazy lady might clip our heal next. The the point is an Immune System (be it physical or emotional) remains undefined by what it's exposed to. What you are exposed to cannot MAKE you weak or vulnerable, your system, your being, already has to,in some way, be there already in order to be TRIGGERED, as my feelings of weakness/anger were triggered by my experience in the store.
So, exposing ourselves to new things, exposing who we are, revealing what we have to offer the world that is always waiting for us, IS Safe. It is Safe, for our Immunity, our imperturbability, our ultimate stability lies in our ability to Forgive and Let Go and that, is always in our hands. And in quitting the bad habit (of thought in this case), we drop trying to protect ourselves and finally allow ourselves to feel safe (and safely exposed) - which is what the old lady and I and maybe you - wanted all along.
The Best To You.
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen
This week, I caught a cold. Thank you - it was tricky, but I did manage to get my hands on one and apply it directly to my sinuses and nose and the now red chaffed skin above my upper lip. This week's JEN NEWS is about a slightly different kind of Exposure and Vulnerability (as well as Forgiveness) and real Safety . So, step away from the vaporizer for a moment, put down the cough drops and your fifteenth cup of tea, and let's find out what I've got to say now.
Several years ago, I was in the grocery store when I inadvertently clipped the heel of a slender, white-haired, older woman in front of me with my cart. I immediately apologized repeatedly, but she ran-stumbled-hopped off very quickly, grabbing her ankle - not unlike a wounded animal running for the woods. I wanted to apologize again, but she had already gone to the end of the isle and was sort of pacing back and forth to tend her injury. I could see her, now and again, appear at the opening of the isle. She never made eye contact with me, and either hadn't heard my apology or could not receive it. As she ran off in her injured state, her old husband was left behind. I was still in a very apologetic mode, looking to set the situation right with someone. I looked at him and he stood very close to me and said, "Next time, watch where you're going!"
I was a bit shocked (and injured, I have to admit) by his anger over the accident, but it was clear that his wife had given him the charge of standing guard over her vulnerability and he had failed. Apparently, they had both agreed (and perhaps with good reason - perhaps she'd had a severe illness, or condition that was ongoing or which had just resolved - or maybe not) that she was wounded and needed protection and here, the insensitive world - played by ME- had gotten her and reminded them, just how vulnerable she was at any given moment.
And it was hard for them to recoup. The incident had so shaken them, they couldn't receive my apology or compassion. In fact, each time I happened to see them in the other isles shopping, they fixedly refused to look at me (as I was still hoping to apologize again, feeling so restless and uncomfortable in my currently unforgiven state).
No matter what that old woman had lived to bring her to the place of feeling so vulnerable and such a victim - it really doesn't matter- for ultimately the state of reactiveness and weakness and perpetual anger (at the world for Doing Things To Her) her current mind set was keeping her in a place that was equally or even more painful. And, in her state of extreme woundedness and vulnerability, all she could pass on to me was MORE OF THE SAME. As a result of our interraction, all the needy, vulnerability, wounded, Done-To , Blaming, Victimized feelings rose in me, came to the forefront and left me in a similar place . And now, ironically, I was feeling unforgiving towards this old couple - their exact stance towards me .
Recently, I heard a radio hypnotist work out a problem with a caller. The caller was a smoker and she wanted to quit. In the course of her work with this woman, the hypnotist discovered that the woman's father used to smoke. Her father had died. The hypnotist figured out that the woman was actually smoking to feel connection with her father. When the woman realized this, every time she went to smoke, it was no longer the same. Her consciousness had changed and she started seeking more direct ways of feeling connected to her deceased father and she was able to quit pretty easily. It had been a paltry substitution for a genuine desire.
When we try to protect ourselves, it too is a paltry substitution for a legitimate desire: the desire to feel SAFE. All negative habits of thought or action are puny attempts to get us into closer proximity to the feeling we're really wanting. There's the kind of exposure that feels good - where we're being SEEN and HEARD as we're all meant to be, and there's the kind where we're AFRAID to be SEEN and HEARD because who knows what crazy lady might clip our heal next. The the point is an Immune System (be it physical or emotional) remains undefined by what it's exposed to. What you are exposed to cannot MAKE you weak or vulnerable, your system, your being, already has to,in some way, be there already in order to be TRIGGERED, as my feelings of weakness/anger were triggered by my experience in the store.
So, exposing ourselves to new things, exposing who we are, revealing what we have to offer the world that is always waiting for us, IS Safe. It is Safe, for our Immunity, our imperturbability, our ultimate stability lies in our ability to Forgive and Let Go and that, is always in our hands. And in quitting the bad habit (of thought in this case), we drop trying to protect ourselves and finally allow ourselves to feel safe (and safely exposed) - which is what the old lady and I and maybe you - wanted all along.
The Best To You.
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Remembering Yourself (written 9/10/07)
Hello pie-lovers.
I don't actually know if you love pie, but a pie often has a top crust and a bottom crust with a filling inside. But many pies look alike from the outside and are hard to distinguish from one another. I ask you, this week, "What's in your pie?" and " Have you forgotten what's there for you?" This week's NEWS is about Remembering Yourself. And when you remember yourself, you remember even more of what's in your pie and what you most want it to be - and then, you can honestly call yourself a "pie-lover".
This week, my kids started school and on the first day, Sawyer had some homework. I knew this because the teacher has created an organizational tool for the kids' folders, called "Homework Planner". It has the days of the week on it and it has spaces for the child to write in the subject of the homework (Math, Reading, etc.). This time, an adult had obviously written in the subject of "Writing" and under the day of the week (which was Wednesday), had written "How I got my name". I looked at this and asked Sawyer if he was to write about how he got his name. He did not know. I asked him if the teacher had discussed it in class. He did not know. He didn't remember anything about the How I Got My Name assignment. So, I told him that we would just assume he was to write about it and he did - with some resistance.
That same evening, by coincidence (or Divine Intervention?), Bill asked that I go to the grocery store for a few specific items. I went and while there bumped into Sawyer's teacher. I happened to mention the assignment and my uncertainty about what he was to do and she told me he was to write down Notes on how he got his name and then the next day, would write it all up in class. When I returned home, I mentioned this "Notes" thing to him to see if he might now remember, and he burst into tears.
"I'm a complete failure!" he yelled, sobbing.
And he went on to confess how he pretends too much etc. (which, is his greatest challenge and definitely gets in the way when he needs to be listening for instructions). I tried to sooth him a bit, but he was very upset and I asked him to put his hand on his heart and ask ( his Inner Voice, Higher Self - call it anything you like) what he really thinks of this whole "failure" idea - if it thinks he is a failure.
And he said, "I am a complete success."
And when he said this, he calmed down a lot. I told him that's the voice he wants to lean on and believe - that's a stable TRUTH. Being unskilled at something, making a mistake, tuning-out - these are not defining properties in our experience. They do not unearth a great poignant, damning reality of Who We Really Are. Those things are small potatoes. They change, with practice, with intention, with desire, with choice, with time. They are not abiding and do not even have to be judged as "Bad", if we realize we are not defined by them. We are who we are and that exists Within, not as a product of an External. I told him that a mistake is really just DIRECTION - it points you towards the next better step to take., that's all. And that's all it has to be.
Here's another clue:
I was doing our weekly shopping, when I happened to come to an isle with two women in it. One looked like she was somewhere between 45 and 55 and the other looked very young - anywhere from her mid-teens to twenty or so. They both had similar brownish-yellow skin and thicker, kinkier hair. They each had a cart, although they appeared to be together. I wasn't certain but it seemed like the older woman was the younger woman's mother. As I came toward them, the older woman took note and motioned for the younger girl to move her cart out of the way, but the exchange was a completely quiet one. As I rolled past, I looked back out of curiosity and saw the older woman speaking in sign language to the other and all of a sudden, a sense of this intense silence hit me. As I turned the corner to the next isle, I found myself so moved by the extreme stillness of their communication, that my eyes began to tear. Experiencing this stillness had triggered in me, a memory of and yearning for this kind of still communication within Myself. It wasn't for nothing that I was having such a strong emotional response - I was recognizing something about myself that was IMPORTANT.
When You Remember Yourself - like Sawyer did at the moment he left his painful thought process and turned inward, or when I recognized this still communication, you FEEL BETTER. And you know it's YOU because you feel Loved and you want more of it.
So, go back to your pies and see what clues come to you this week about what is there that you have (temporarily) forgotten or are Ignoring. You might just be surprised to find that you are in fact a major PIE-LOVER.
Lots of love to you.
All is Well,
Jen
I don't actually know if you love pie, but a pie often has a top crust and a bottom crust with a filling inside. But many pies look alike from the outside and are hard to distinguish from one another. I ask you, this week, "What's in your pie?" and " Have you forgotten what's there for you?" This week's NEWS is about Remembering Yourself. And when you remember yourself, you remember even more of what's in your pie and what you most want it to be - and then, you can honestly call yourself a "pie-lover".
This week, my kids started school and on the first day, Sawyer had some homework. I knew this because the teacher has created an organizational tool for the kids' folders, called "Homework Planner". It has the days of the week on it and it has spaces for the child to write in the subject of the homework (Math, Reading, etc.). This time, an adult had obviously written in the subject of "Writing" and under the day of the week (which was Wednesday), had written "How I got my name". I looked at this and asked Sawyer if he was to write about how he got his name. He did not know. I asked him if the teacher had discussed it in class. He did not know. He didn't remember anything about the How I Got My Name assignment. So, I told him that we would just assume he was to write about it and he did - with some resistance.
That same evening, by coincidence (or Divine Intervention?), Bill asked that I go to the grocery store for a few specific items. I went and while there bumped into Sawyer's teacher. I happened to mention the assignment and my uncertainty about what he was to do and she told me he was to write down Notes on how he got his name and then the next day, would write it all up in class. When I returned home, I mentioned this "Notes" thing to him to see if he might now remember, and he burst into tears.
"I'm a complete failure!" he yelled, sobbing.
And he went on to confess how he pretends too much etc. (which, is his greatest challenge and definitely gets in the way when he needs to be listening for instructions). I tried to sooth him a bit, but he was very upset and I asked him to put his hand on his heart and ask ( his Inner Voice, Higher Self - call it anything you like) what he really thinks of this whole "failure" idea - if it thinks he is a failure.
And he said, "I am a complete success."
And when he said this, he calmed down a lot. I told him that's the voice he wants to lean on and believe - that's a stable TRUTH. Being unskilled at something, making a mistake, tuning-out - these are not defining properties in our experience. They do not unearth a great poignant, damning reality of Who We Really Are. Those things are small potatoes. They change, with practice, with intention, with desire, with choice, with time. They are not abiding and do not even have to be judged as "Bad", if we realize we are not defined by them. We are who we are and that exists Within, not as a product of an External. I told him that a mistake is really just DIRECTION - it points you towards the next better step to take., that's all. And that's all it has to be.
Here's another clue:
I was doing our weekly shopping, when I happened to come to an isle with two women in it. One looked like she was somewhere between 45 and 55 and the other looked very young - anywhere from her mid-teens to twenty or so. They both had similar brownish-yellow skin and thicker, kinkier hair. They each had a cart, although they appeared to be together. I wasn't certain but it seemed like the older woman was the younger woman's mother. As I came toward them, the older woman took note and motioned for the younger girl to move her cart out of the way, but the exchange was a completely quiet one. As I rolled past, I looked back out of curiosity and saw the older woman speaking in sign language to the other and all of a sudden, a sense of this intense silence hit me. As I turned the corner to the next isle, I found myself so moved by the extreme stillness of their communication, that my eyes began to tear. Experiencing this stillness had triggered in me, a memory of and yearning for this kind of still communication within Myself. It wasn't for nothing that I was having such a strong emotional response - I was recognizing something about myself that was IMPORTANT.
When You Remember Yourself - like Sawyer did at the moment he left his painful thought process and turned inward, or when I recognized this still communication, you FEEL BETTER. And you know it's YOU because you feel Loved and you want more of it.
So, go back to your pies and see what clues come to you this week about what is there that you have (temporarily) forgotten or are Ignoring. You might just be surprised to find that you are in fact a major PIE-LOVER.
Lots of love to you.
All is Well,
Jen
The Center-point (written 8/28/07)
Hello great souls. It is time to reflect upon BALANCING, Finding the Center-point and Listening to your Inner Voice. My Inner Voice says: Let Us Begin!
When we ride a bike, there's a kind of center-point that we search for, that lets us know we're in a place where we can now balance and go forward. Of course, there is no way to go forward smoothly without balancing first and I think this is true in life as well. On the bicycle, we can FEEL the gap between where we need to be and where we are, and we keep adjusting our bodies and checking in, until we find "it". I think that in order to go forward in the ways we're most wanting we must be in balance emotionally, we must FEEL our way back to the center point.
I've seen stories in which a person finds him/herself a dire situation: about to be raped/attacked, in an out-of-control car, accidentally buried alive - whatever it is, in which they suddenly hear an Inner Voice speak the guidance they need. From the responses on the shows I've watched, it seems like many people are willing to accept the idea of a person hearing a voice under these kinds of circumstances. I believe that, if that voice is there during those times, we have access to it all the time. It may be quieter, or it may just come as impulse, but it is there. The question is how much do we use it, how much do w e value it, and how much do we believe in it.
Yesterday, I was watching the Illusionist Chris Angel on television. He has a show called: "Mind Freak" in which he does tricks based on magician-type illusion and some based at least partly on his intuitive skills. In this show, he had a man standing behind one of three screens while he was drove at full speed through one of them without being told (so they said) which one the man had chosen to stand behind. He discussed his Inner Voice and how he's cultivated it and come to trust it. The first round, he drove directly through successfully. Then, he decided to do it again, this time with there being a fifty-fifty chance he might hit the man. But this time, as he drove, he slowed before the middle screen and asked the man if he was there. He was. Chris Angel said the problem was that the man had been so anxious and nervous that the signal he was sending was uncertain until right before he had approached on his motorcycle; so he was getting the clear information too late to be able to go at full speed. At any rate, they did it once more successfully.
I think that in life, we are receiving information all the time about what's safe and what's not, the best direction, the right person, new opportunity, but I think our own focus on our fear , anxiety , and lack of trust in ourselves blocks the signal, so to speak, until or unless it really becomes dire and is basically upon us. When we consciously search for the center-point though, for that feeling place from which it feels easier to balance, we become tuned in, and find it infinitely easier and safer to go forward.
Years ago, when Max wasn't yet two, I got pregnant. It was earlier than we'd planned, but we very much wanted a second child and were excited. At the end of my first trimester, I was spotting and had an ultrasound and a week or two after, I miscarried. The ultrasound had shown no baby. There was a placenta and a sac, but no one home; the beginnings of this person had just not worked out and had already been reabsorbed by my body. At the time, I was calm at first, and then more distressed as I waited for my body to get the message and miscarry what was left of the pregnancy. Once I miscarried, I remained in a mental state of confusion and distress for several months. I let myself focus on fear and lack of TRUST, and built upon the idea that perhaps I wouldn't ever be able to have another child. This fear grew in me and took me down other roads of thought that were very painful. My body became an obsession, as every pang, every twang, any clue of "abnormality" became a grave cause for concern and anxiety.
Finally, I knew I had to pull myself in and reach for something better. I tuned in, and felt around for that center-point, and I heard my inner voice. And it had much to say. I realized, like other times in my life, I was mourning the Loss of something I never really had in the first place. It was just an idea - an idea that never came to fruition. My inner guidance said to HAVE WIHAT I HAVE and to let go of the sorrow. For it was all just an Idea of something I wanted. Nothing is truly lost when you trust in your ability to create more. I was focusing my energies completely in fear, building upon the idea that I couldn't create more. And , of course, I was hurting over this.
I started having what I did have, starting with my little (at the time) boy Max and our family and I let myself have my life and all the good in it without regret. I made peace with where I was. And life started to move me again.
Hearing your Inner Voice is a choice, believing in it is a choice, validating it is a choice, honoring what you know to be true is a choice. So, we have many choices before us. Focusing on my fear kept me disconnected from my own knowing.
Yesterday, I was at the park with Sawyer and Max and they were having a climbing contest. It was a tie , so Max came up with a challenging event for the tie breaker. It was to make it across this particular climbing apparatus (involving ropes in a row) without feet ever hitting the ground. Sawyer looked at it and said in a low tone, "I've never done that before." I encouraged him to try any way. HIs first attempt, he fell and sobbed, not from pain, but at the belief that he'd LOST. He regrouped and took another approach. He struggled. Midway through he was in absolute terror as he tried to negotiate a particularly challenging part. I was in a position where he was so high up, I couldn't spot him. I was anxious, striving not to be, and encouraged him to come back down. And he did, but as he did, he followed his own impulse and handled the whole thing in another way, and continued on and made it across. Afterwards he was happy and kept telling Max, "I was so scared. I was so scared." But he was happy because some how he had put his fear down, and allowed an impulse through. And that impulse guided him to an experience that, although it didn't technically involve his original concept of " winning", was what he really wanted.
Images or words or impulses, strong feelings can all be communication. You know it's the real you, when it's positive, life-affirming and feels like relief.
Love to You All.
All is Well,
Jen
When we ride a bike, there's a kind of center-point that we search for, that lets us know we're in a place where we can now balance and go forward. Of course, there is no way to go forward smoothly without balancing first and I think this is true in life as well. On the bicycle, we can FEEL the gap between where we need to be and where we are, and we keep adjusting our bodies and checking in, until we find "it". I think that in order to go forward in the ways we're most wanting we must be in balance emotionally, we must FEEL our way back to the center point.
I've seen stories in which a person finds him/herself a dire situation: about to be raped/attacked, in an out-of-control car, accidentally buried alive - whatever it is, in which they suddenly hear an Inner Voice speak the guidance they need. From the responses on the shows I've watched, it seems like many people are willing to accept the idea of a person hearing a voice under these kinds of circumstances. I believe that, if that voice is there during those times, we have access to it all the time. It may be quieter, or it may just come as impulse, but it is there. The question is how much do we use it, how much do w e value it, and how much do we believe in it.
Yesterday, I was watching the Illusionist Chris Angel on television. He has a show called: "Mind Freak" in which he does tricks based on magician-type illusion and some based at least partly on his intuitive skills. In this show, he had a man standing behind one of three screens while he was drove at full speed through one of them without being told (so they said) which one the man had chosen to stand behind. He discussed his Inner Voice and how he's cultivated it and come to trust it. The first round, he drove directly through successfully. Then, he decided to do it again, this time with there being a fifty-fifty chance he might hit the man. But this time, as he drove, he slowed before the middle screen and asked the man if he was there. He was. Chris Angel said the problem was that the man had been so anxious and nervous that the signal he was sending was uncertain until right before he had approached on his motorcycle; so he was getting the clear information too late to be able to go at full speed. At any rate, they did it once more successfully.
I think that in life, we are receiving information all the time about what's safe and what's not, the best direction, the right person, new opportunity, but I think our own focus on our fear , anxiety , and lack of trust in ourselves blocks the signal, so to speak, until or unless it really becomes dire and is basically upon us. When we consciously search for the center-point though, for that feeling place from which it feels easier to balance, we become tuned in, and find it infinitely easier and safer to go forward.
Years ago, when Max wasn't yet two, I got pregnant. It was earlier than we'd planned, but we very much wanted a second child and were excited. At the end of my first trimester, I was spotting and had an ultrasound and a week or two after, I miscarried. The ultrasound had shown no baby. There was a placenta and a sac, but no one home; the beginnings of this person had just not worked out and had already been reabsorbed by my body. At the time, I was calm at first, and then more distressed as I waited for my body to get the message and miscarry what was left of the pregnancy. Once I miscarried, I remained in a mental state of confusion and distress for several months. I let myself focus on fear and lack of TRUST, and built upon the idea that perhaps I wouldn't ever be able to have another child. This fear grew in me and took me down other roads of thought that were very painful. My body became an obsession, as every pang, every twang, any clue of "abnormality" became a grave cause for concern and anxiety.
Finally, I knew I had to pull myself in and reach for something better. I tuned in, and felt around for that center-point, and I heard my inner voice. And it had much to say. I realized, like other times in my life, I was mourning the Loss of something I never really had in the first place. It was just an idea - an idea that never came to fruition. My inner guidance said to HAVE WIHAT I HAVE and to let go of the sorrow. For it was all just an Idea of something I wanted. Nothing is truly lost when you trust in your ability to create more. I was focusing my energies completely in fear, building upon the idea that I couldn't create more. And , of course, I was hurting over this.
I started having what I did have, starting with my little (at the time) boy Max and our family and I let myself have my life and all the good in it without regret. I made peace with where I was. And life started to move me again.
Hearing your Inner Voice is a choice, believing in it is a choice, validating it is a choice, honoring what you know to be true is a choice. So, we have many choices before us. Focusing on my fear kept me disconnected from my own knowing.
Yesterday, I was at the park with Sawyer and Max and they were having a climbing contest. It was a tie , so Max came up with a challenging event for the tie breaker. It was to make it across this particular climbing apparatus (involving ropes in a row) without feet ever hitting the ground. Sawyer looked at it and said in a low tone, "I've never done that before." I encouraged him to try any way. HIs first attempt, he fell and sobbed, not from pain, but at the belief that he'd LOST. He regrouped and took another approach. He struggled. Midway through he was in absolute terror as he tried to negotiate a particularly challenging part. I was in a position where he was so high up, I couldn't spot him. I was anxious, striving not to be, and encouraged him to come back down. And he did, but as he did, he followed his own impulse and handled the whole thing in another way, and continued on and made it across. Afterwards he was happy and kept telling Max, "I was so scared. I was so scared." But he was happy because some how he had put his fear down, and allowed an impulse through. And that impulse guided him to an experience that, although it didn't technically involve his original concept of " winning", was what he really wanted.
Images or words or impulses, strong feelings can all be communication. You know it's the real you, when it's positive, life-affirming and feels like relief.
Love to You All.
All is Well,
Jen
Into the Feeling (written 8/2007)
SHE'S MAD AS HELL AND SHE'S NOT GOING TO. . . WHAT?
This week the NEWS is about being MAD and in PAIN. Or you could call it angry, irritated, perturbed, pissed-off, or just bugged and miserable. Let's ride the rocky road!
When I was a child, I saw myself as moody and difficult. At least I felt moody and difficult. And seeing myself in this way was a source of great distress to me. I did not want to be complaining or negative. I wanted to be happy and easy-going. But that always seemed just out of reach . Even when I was very small, I was bothered by a hood tied under my chin, or clothing that felt tight. My pillow case had to be all cotton and smooth. And while I was two and three, I had a favorite dress that I insisted upon wearing most of the time.
Angry upset feelings always seemed ugly to me and I wanted to be pretty. And yet. . . it seemed like life, itself, was pushing at me in such a way that was MAKING ME feel this way. I was continually on a loop of reacting to my circumstances instead of responding to my feelings. For, REACTING means feeling uncomfortable and working to change/control the OUTSIDE conditions to make us feel better. And RESPONDING means feeling uncomfortable and going within to address the INSIDE conditions that are throwing us off balance.
Recently, I awoke one day with back pain. It has been a while, and usually, if it recurs (This all started when I was twenty five in art school and very stressed) I work through it steadily and fairly calmly. I reduce the drama as best I can; I stay focused on exercising and breathing and I allow it to pass. And I've been doing better and better with this to the point that I don't usually think of myself as someone with back problems. And don't want to. But this time, I awoke with it, which I have never done before. And this time, although I stayed true to my usual approach (mental and physical), the discomfort was so great that my resolve began to crumble. And even though I would have momentary relief, my mind would wander into shear disbelief, despair, and hopelessness in a matter of moments. So, I had to continually regroup, rebound, and re-count my blessings, and my ability to continue - my ability to HELP MYSELF. To take another step.
My internal mental argument was powerful though:"But look", I would hear, "I can barely move. It hurts so much; it hurts so much; it hurts so much; it hurts so much. It hurts so much. It hurts so much. It hurts so much. It hurts so much." And then the tears. And then I would begin again, make a little progress, then something would happen (thought-wise or physical) and I would find it seizing up again. And I would get angry. Angry at my circumstances, angry at my life, angry at ME. Again, I was in that loop of looking for something outside of me to sooth me, to bring me back to myself, that life itself was making me feel this way, that I have no choice. And when you believe this, of course, there is nothing more painful.
About seven years ago, I was gearing up to go to a writer's conference. It would be the first one I'd ever attended.
Months before I was striving to create drawings I thought were "professional enough". And my right eye was the first to feel the stress and tension, and produced a condition that caused me much pain and distress for about two weeks. Frightened something was "really wrong", I went to the eye doctor who seemed to do everything but take my eyeball out and rinse it under the sink. I left with an unsatisfying diagnosis and instruction to clean my eyelashes and some drops to numb my eye, so I could forget about the pain.
As the eye problem abated, I developed diarrhea which went on and on until again I became frightened that something was "really wrong". Reticently, I went to the doctor for tests. The results were all normal, but my body still was not. I knew I was in an overdriven anxiety state, spurred on by how much I wanted to do my work and by how afraid I was of what people would think of it.
Eventually, the diarrhea let up and my hair started shedding excessively. And this has continued for the last years. I went to the doctor again, was tested again. I went to a dermatologist and an endocrinologist and I went to a homeopath and a naturopath, and then I quit looking for someone else to help me. For a while, the dermatologist had me collecting my hair and so, the top drawer of my bureau was filled with creepy bags of hair in order to judge whether the situation was worsening or getting better. For a while, I was so stressed about how much was coming out, that I would go without combing or washing it for a week (even though I exercise most days). I have cried in the bathroom many times; I have stared at mounds of hair in disbelief, trying to rationalize how it could be okay. I have envisioned myself bald, with scarves, with wigs, with male pattern baldness (the ring of hair), or like the old ladies one sees around occasionally with sort of "see-through" hair. I have cried over cleaning it all up off the bathroom floor, pulling it all off my sweaters, and out of drains. I have seen it come out on my children as I've gone to hug them. I have cried unable to fall to sleep at night thinking, thinking, fearing, fearing about it. And I have been ANGRY at the experience, angry at each hair that falls, considering myself a slave and a victim to the experience.
After Max was born, about two years later, I got pregnant again, only this time , I miscarried. And it was a very difficult time for me. And after that miscarriage, I had continuing pain on one side of my abdomen. Eventually, after some missteps on the part of my original doctor, I found another doctor who sent me in for an ultra sound and they found an ovarian cyst - the source of my discomfort. When I came to her with the results of the ultra sound , she said that it was harmless and small. I said, "But what about the pain?" and she said, "You'll get used to it." At the time I thought the words were insensitive, but I did not think my doctor was. She seemed compassionate, but as though she had a perspective I did not. I was willing to accept her disinterest in operating as intelligent conservatism and decided to trust that she was right about the Pain.
And what I went on to learn was that she was right.
The pain that seemed seemed so immovable and permanent simply was not. Whether I got used to it or not, some how I stopped feeling it. So, one way or another, I let it go. As I walk through the process of feeling the painful tightened muscles in my back and the distress over my hair, I understand that it is always the willingness to go into the pain (be it physical or emotional or both) that restores my sense of my power and allows me to move on. It is allowance of my feelings (whatever they are), that serves as a portal for me to feel love for myself again. It's willingness not resistance that restores balance. And when I get to THAT place, I can feel all will be well because I know all is well. And then I don't have to fight against or react to everything outside me and being so mad just sort of melts away. Because I'm only mad I when I've convinced myself I've got no power. And that is simply never true.
Thank you all.
Lots of love.
All is Well.
Jen
This week the NEWS is about being MAD and in PAIN. Or you could call it angry, irritated, perturbed, pissed-off, or just bugged and miserable. Let's ride the rocky road!
When I was a child, I saw myself as moody and difficult. At least I felt moody and difficult. And seeing myself in this way was a source of great distress to me. I did not want to be complaining or negative. I wanted to be happy and easy-going. But that always seemed just out of reach . Even when I was very small, I was bothered by a hood tied under my chin, or clothing that felt tight. My pillow case had to be all cotton and smooth. And while I was two and three, I had a favorite dress that I insisted upon wearing most of the time.
Angry upset feelings always seemed ugly to me and I wanted to be pretty. And yet. . . it seemed like life, itself, was pushing at me in such a way that was MAKING ME feel this way. I was continually on a loop of reacting to my circumstances instead of responding to my feelings. For, REACTING means feeling uncomfortable and working to change/control the OUTSIDE conditions to make us feel better. And RESPONDING means feeling uncomfortable and going within to address the INSIDE conditions that are throwing us off balance.
Recently, I awoke one day with back pain. It has been a while, and usually, if it recurs (This all started when I was twenty five in art school and very stressed) I work through it steadily and fairly calmly. I reduce the drama as best I can; I stay focused on exercising and breathing and I allow it to pass. And I've been doing better and better with this to the point that I don't usually think of myself as someone with back problems. And don't want to. But this time, I awoke with it, which I have never done before. And this time, although I stayed true to my usual approach (mental and physical), the discomfort was so great that my resolve began to crumble. And even though I would have momentary relief, my mind would wander into shear disbelief, despair, and hopelessness in a matter of moments. So, I had to continually regroup, rebound, and re-count my blessings, and my ability to continue - my ability to HELP MYSELF. To take another step.
My internal mental argument was powerful though:"But look", I would hear, "I can barely move. It hurts so much; it hurts so much; it hurts so much; it hurts so much. It hurts so much. It hurts so much. It hurts so much. It hurts so much." And then the tears. And then I would begin again, make a little progress, then something would happen (thought-wise or physical) and I would find it seizing up again. And I would get angry. Angry at my circumstances, angry at my life, angry at ME. Again, I was in that loop of looking for something outside of me to sooth me, to bring me back to myself, that life itself was making me feel this way, that I have no choice. And when you believe this, of course, there is nothing more painful.
About seven years ago, I was gearing up to go to a writer's conference. It would be the first one I'd ever attended.
Months before I was striving to create drawings I thought were "professional enough". And my right eye was the first to feel the stress and tension, and produced a condition that caused me much pain and distress for about two weeks. Frightened something was "really wrong", I went to the eye doctor who seemed to do everything but take my eyeball out and rinse it under the sink. I left with an unsatisfying diagnosis and instruction to clean my eyelashes and some drops to numb my eye, so I could forget about the pain.
As the eye problem abated, I developed diarrhea which went on and on until again I became frightened that something was "really wrong". Reticently, I went to the doctor for tests. The results were all normal, but my body still was not. I knew I was in an overdriven anxiety state, spurred on by how much I wanted to do my work and by how afraid I was of what people would think of it.
Eventually, the diarrhea let up and my hair started shedding excessively. And this has continued for the last years. I went to the doctor again, was tested again. I went to a dermatologist and an endocrinologist and I went to a homeopath and a naturopath, and then I quit looking for someone else to help me. For a while, the dermatologist had me collecting my hair and so, the top drawer of my bureau was filled with creepy bags of hair in order to judge whether the situation was worsening or getting better. For a while, I was so stressed about how much was coming out, that I would go without combing or washing it for a week (even though I exercise most days). I have cried in the bathroom many times; I have stared at mounds of hair in disbelief, trying to rationalize how it could be okay. I have envisioned myself bald, with scarves, with wigs, with male pattern baldness (the ring of hair), or like the old ladies one sees around occasionally with sort of "see-through" hair. I have cried over cleaning it all up off the bathroom floor, pulling it all off my sweaters, and out of drains. I have seen it come out on my children as I've gone to hug them. I have cried unable to fall to sleep at night thinking, thinking, fearing, fearing about it. And I have been ANGRY at the experience, angry at each hair that falls, considering myself a slave and a victim to the experience.
After Max was born, about two years later, I got pregnant again, only this time , I miscarried. And it was a very difficult time for me. And after that miscarriage, I had continuing pain on one side of my abdomen. Eventually, after some missteps on the part of my original doctor, I found another doctor who sent me in for an ultra sound and they found an ovarian cyst - the source of my discomfort. When I came to her with the results of the ultra sound , she said that it was harmless and small. I said, "But what about the pain?" and she said, "You'll get used to it." At the time I thought the words were insensitive, but I did not think my doctor was. She seemed compassionate, but as though she had a perspective I did not. I was willing to accept her disinterest in operating as intelligent conservatism and decided to trust that she was right about the Pain.
And what I went on to learn was that she was right.
The pain that seemed seemed so immovable and permanent simply was not. Whether I got used to it or not, some how I stopped feeling it. So, one way or another, I let it go. As I walk through the process of feeling the painful tightened muscles in my back and the distress over my hair, I understand that it is always the willingness to go into the pain (be it physical or emotional or both) that restores my sense of my power and allows me to move on. It is allowance of my feelings (whatever they are), that serves as a portal for me to feel love for myself again. It's willingness not resistance that restores balance. And when I get to THAT place, I can feel all will be well because I know all is well. And then I don't have to fight against or react to everything outside me and being so mad just sort of melts away. Because I'm only mad I when I've convinced myself I've got no power. And that is simply never true.
Thank you all.
Lots of love.
All is Well.
Jen
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
You Had It All Along (written 8/7/07)
Hello Travelers. It's been a while. . . and I've missed spotting you along the path. How have you been? Our internet went down for a bit, and I was preparing for my presentation for the writers conference I attended, and overall, just striving to keep up with an increased and complicated pace to things. Here's what I've been thinking about : QUITTING VICTIM-HOOD. Let's see what I can do with this one.
I'm going to title this: You Had It All Along

(The original ruby slippers from the Wizard of Oz)
Over these last weeks, I was preparing for my ninety minute talk at the Pacific Northwest Writer's Association. Last minute mix-ups caused there to be NO projector for me to use for my powerpoint presentation, and left me scrambling to find one on my own (which worked out fine in the end).
I spoke to a small group of mostly women, who asked many questions, and were very engaged - many who returned for the autograph party to buy the book and have me sign it for them. I felt good giving the presentation and sharing my ideas. And then I began to drive home. And I didn't feel so good any more.
It was a small group, you know - not as big as I would have liked. Wouldn't it have been great if it had been a lot bigger? And then, what about those times I was awkward? How many of those times were there anyway? And what about this general feeling of INSECURITY that was sinking in around me now? What was that all about - surely it had to have some legitimate, fact-filled reason for existing. Maybe I should search my mind for any and all "evidence" I could find to support that feeling of insecurity.
However, at this point, I recognized that I didn't have to do any of that. There were, other things upon which I could focus - things that simply did not and could not support feeling lousy. The choice was in my hands.
An example of this occurred, again, days later, when I gave another presentation at a local bookstore which has been very supportive of me. On the drive home, once more, I began to sink into that feeling and my mind was drawn to try and assess and judge the experience. It was on a hunt for a certain kind of information, as though it had been once told that to find the negative in a situation was to find the TRUTH. I stopped and this time asked ( myself): HOW DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE IT? I really wanted to see it in the positive. AND HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL? I wanted to feel good and confident, and open to more new experiences. At that moment, it really just seemed like a CHOICE, not like some definitive, static TRUTH catapulting towards me over which I had no control. I understood I was framing my own experience. There were perspectives to be offered that could easily support the way I actually wanted to see my experience, right there, WAITING for me, if I was interested; if I was willing.
The other day, Bill and I got into a discussion with Max in which he was expressing how much he wanted Sawyer to just leave him alone. He claimed he wants Sawyer to think he's "an idiot and " completely ignore" him. Sawyer, sometimes, will ask many questions of Max (as he does with Bill and me), and sometimes, those questions can become repetitive and tiring. Max was vehement about this and very emotional. We talked for a while, trying to help him understand Sawyer better, perhaps soften his view a bit, also encourage him to express how he feels more directly, clearly/calmly to Sawyer. After a bit, he turned to me and said, "Could you give me a nudge?" Could I say something that would nudge him in the right direction, to turn the dynamic. I told him to focus on the times when Sawyer is not bothering him - like, for example, right then as Sawyer was watching t.v. alone. I reminded him of how much time Sawyer spends playing and pretending by himself, in his room and outside. And I told him that the truth was that there is much more time that Sawyer is not bothering him, than time he is.
The Victim writes the script in which things are happening TO him, even feelings. The Victim feels powerless and looks for evidence (unconsciously) to support those feelings of powerlessness and misery. The Victim writes the story in which he loses his power and then has to recoup it. But the truth is, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, with her Ruby Slippers, we''ve had it all along. There is nothing we have to GET or GET BACK. We never lose it; we're never without it. The power to go where we most want to be is with us from the start.
I am learning that quitting victim-hood requires a monumental powerful decision. I have to decide that it is more important to me to create what I WANT than to prove that I AM BEING WRONGED.
Dorothy travels a whole journey in which she meets up with her MIND (the Scarecrow), her Heart (the Tin-man), and her COURAGE (the Cowardly Lion)- which is really the act of using one's mind to act from one's heart. And at the end of this journey, she is reminded that she had the POWER all along to go where she always wanted to go (home, in her case), but it's only once she's come to love and embrace these aspects, that she is able to melt what frightens her (the witch) and be reminded that She Had It All Along. Just like us.
So,regardless of what I may be feeling or thinking in the moment, regardless of what Flying Monkey appears to be chasing me I do, in fact, HAVE IT; I have the power to get myself where I most want to be. It's with me all the time. If Dorothy had never believed those slippers could do the trick, she would have never clicked her heels together. It was her belief, ultimately, that enabled her to use what she HAD.
So, like Max, me, and Dorothy - what we're wanting is right in front of us, waiting for us, unperceived because of our current focus, with our ability to perceive it solely dependent on how willing we are to use our hearts to inform the thoughts and decisions of our minds.
Let what you really want to feel guide how you think.
Hope you're all doing wonderfully.
Lots of love,
All is Well.
Jen
I'm going to title this: You Had It All Along

(The original ruby slippers from the Wizard of Oz)
Over these last weeks, I was preparing for my ninety minute talk at the Pacific Northwest Writer's Association. Last minute mix-ups caused there to be NO projector for me to use for my powerpoint presentation, and left me scrambling to find one on my own (which worked out fine in the end).
I spoke to a small group of mostly women, who asked many questions, and were very engaged - many who returned for the autograph party to buy the book and have me sign it for them. I felt good giving the presentation and sharing my ideas. And then I began to drive home. And I didn't feel so good any more.
It was a small group, you know - not as big as I would have liked. Wouldn't it have been great if it had been a lot bigger? And then, what about those times I was awkward? How many of those times were there anyway? And what about this general feeling of INSECURITY that was sinking in around me now? What was that all about - surely it had to have some legitimate, fact-filled reason for existing. Maybe I should search my mind for any and all "evidence" I could find to support that feeling of insecurity.
However, at this point, I recognized that I didn't have to do any of that. There were, other things upon which I could focus - things that simply did not and could not support feeling lousy. The choice was in my hands.
An example of this occurred, again, days later, when I gave another presentation at a local bookstore which has been very supportive of me. On the drive home, once more, I began to sink into that feeling and my mind was drawn to try and assess and judge the experience. It was on a hunt for a certain kind of information, as though it had been once told that to find the negative in a situation was to find the TRUTH. I stopped and this time asked ( myself): HOW DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE IT? I really wanted to see it in the positive. AND HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL? I wanted to feel good and confident, and open to more new experiences. At that moment, it really just seemed like a CHOICE, not like some definitive, static TRUTH catapulting towards me over which I had no control. I understood I was framing my own experience. There were perspectives to be offered that could easily support the way I actually wanted to see my experience, right there, WAITING for me, if I was interested; if I was willing.
The other day, Bill and I got into a discussion with Max in which he was expressing how much he wanted Sawyer to just leave him alone. He claimed he wants Sawyer to think he's "an idiot and " completely ignore" him. Sawyer, sometimes, will ask many questions of Max (as he does with Bill and me), and sometimes, those questions can become repetitive and tiring. Max was vehement about this and very emotional. We talked for a while, trying to help him understand Sawyer better, perhaps soften his view a bit, also encourage him to express how he feels more directly, clearly/calmly to Sawyer. After a bit, he turned to me and said, "Could you give me a nudge?" Could I say something that would nudge him in the right direction, to turn the dynamic. I told him to focus on the times when Sawyer is not bothering him - like, for example, right then as Sawyer was watching t.v. alone. I reminded him of how much time Sawyer spends playing and pretending by himself, in his room and outside. And I told him that the truth was that there is much more time that Sawyer is not bothering him, than time he is.
The Victim writes the script in which things are happening TO him, even feelings. The Victim feels powerless and looks for evidence (unconsciously) to support those feelings of powerlessness and misery. The Victim writes the story in which he loses his power and then has to recoup it. But the truth is, like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, with her Ruby Slippers, we''ve had it all along. There is nothing we have to GET or GET BACK. We never lose it; we're never without it. The power to go where we most want to be is with us from the start.
I am learning that quitting victim-hood requires a monumental powerful decision. I have to decide that it is more important to me to create what I WANT than to prove that I AM BEING WRONGED.
Dorothy travels a whole journey in which she meets up with her MIND (the Scarecrow), her Heart (the Tin-man), and her COURAGE (the Cowardly Lion)- which is really the act of using one's mind to act from one's heart. And at the end of this journey, she is reminded that she had the POWER all along to go where she always wanted to go (home, in her case), but it's only once she's come to love and embrace these aspects, that she is able to melt what frightens her (the witch) and be reminded that She Had It All Along. Just like us.
So,regardless of what I may be feeling or thinking in the moment, regardless of what Flying Monkey appears to be chasing me I do, in fact, HAVE IT; I have the power to get myself where I most want to be. It's with me all the time. If Dorothy had never believed those slippers could do the trick, she would have never clicked her heels together. It was her belief, ultimately, that enabled her to use what she HAD.
So, like Max, me, and Dorothy - what we're wanting is right in front of us, waiting for us, unperceived because of our current focus, with our ability to perceive it solely dependent on how willing we are to use our hearts to inform the thoughts and decisions of our minds.
Let what you really want to feel guide how you think.
Hope you're all doing wonderfully.
Lots of love,
All is Well.
Jen
Less Than (written 7/16/07)
Hi Peoples! This week's NEWS covers Making Yourself Less Than, Who's Dominating Whom?, and The Power of No. Hold onto your hats, I feel a storm a-comin'!
This week I had some gripes with Bill, and eventually, he with me. My main gripe was that he was dominating the decisions that were being made without enough consideration of the others involved ( only me?). At one point, he was off getting the Teriyaki chicken take -out for dinner (that I did not want, but that he did not want to hear about for fear I would make us cook and he didn't want to cook). And I heard myself mumble to myself something about being "dominated". I usually don't use this word and it stuck out to me because I remembered using it in my thoughts earlier in the week as well. I stopped myself and tried to go into the truth. Intellectually, I could see that if I had found my calm, thrown out new ideas and options, the whole situation could have turned. So, that, to my mind, does not constitute domination.
But even though I had dispelled some of it, there was still a lingering feeling that ultimately could not be considered conducive to my heart maintaining a healthy and stable beat. Later, when I spoke to him about it and other thematically similar events, the situation got ugly. But here's what I realized in the middle of us both being reactive, hurt, and defensive: I feel bad a lot. And everything that I was angry for him thinking about me, I think about myself. The more I looked inward, the more I realized that every time something comes my way that doesn't immediately make me feel good - like an exchange with another person or a tricky or challenging situation - I feel crummy. But that's not the important part - the revelatory part is that I am feeling BAD because I am making myself LESS THAN in relation to whatever is before me - Less Powerful than whatever is outside me. So Bill pushes ahead for Teriyaki and I'm angry and feeling pushed around but the only real reason I feel so bad is because I have immediately and unconsciously made myself NOT as powerful as Bill or the situation. Which is simply a lie. If I was recognizing my power in the moment, I simply could not have felt that way.
And as I turned this situation over in my mind, I realized that I do this OFTEN. It's not just once in a while; it's many, many times throughout a day. I realized that I am in the habit of seeing myself as Less Than, not Equal To, and that, that leaves me understandably Frightened of what might happen next and so sometimes reactive and tense. If I see myself as not as powerful as what is around me, the stuff of Life basically, then of course, I'm going to be coming up with ways of trying to cope with that (self-created) feeling and regain a sense of control and power. And in the course of my life, my ways have included a lot of retreating, hiding, narrowing my range of experience to a manageable, familiar smallness.
For Sawyer, currently, he is in a pattern of doing the same. It's "no" to horseback riding lessons, it's no to pooping (this has temporarily shifted, Thank You Lord), it's "no" to going on a picnic, to working with Nicole (the young woman we hired to spend time with him, whom he LOVES). There are a lot of "no's" and not because he actually does not want the experiences, but I have to believe, perhaps, because, he like me has made himself LESS POWERFUL (in his own eyes) than the world around him. And so, the preference, as it certainly was for me as a child, is to try to greatly restrict or control the input from that powerful world. "No", in this context, becomes our attempt at regaining the power that we have unwittingly stripped from ourselves.
It is an old habit for me . I had always thought the world/the events/the people were MAKING me feeling less powerful, but this is not the case. It is in that moment of recognizing myself as Equal To, that I will relax and realize I have all I need, and Am all I need to be.
So, I will strive to think these new thoughts this week.
Hope everything is going great for each of you.
Much Love.
All is Well,
Jen
This week I had some gripes with Bill, and eventually, he with me. My main gripe was that he was dominating the decisions that were being made without enough consideration of the others involved ( only me?). At one point, he was off getting the Teriyaki chicken take -out for dinner (that I did not want, but that he did not want to hear about for fear I would make us cook and he didn't want to cook). And I heard myself mumble to myself something about being "dominated". I usually don't use this word and it stuck out to me because I remembered using it in my thoughts earlier in the week as well. I stopped myself and tried to go into the truth. Intellectually, I could see that if I had found my calm, thrown out new ideas and options, the whole situation could have turned. So, that, to my mind, does not constitute domination.
But even though I had dispelled some of it, there was still a lingering feeling that ultimately could not be considered conducive to my heart maintaining a healthy and stable beat. Later, when I spoke to him about it and other thematically similar events, the situation got ugly. But here's what I realized in the middle of us both being reactive, hurt, and defensive: I feel bad a lot. And everything that I was angry for him thinking about me, I think about myself. The more I looked inward, the more I realized that every time something comes my way that doesn't immediately make me feel good - like an exchange with another person or a tricky or challenging situation - I feel crummy. But that's not the important part - the revelatory part is that I am feeling BAD because I am making myself LESS THAN in relation to whatever is before me - Less Powerful than whatever is outside me. So Bill pushes ahead for Teriyaki and I'm angry and feeling pushed around but the only real reason I feel so bad is because I have immediately and unconsciously made myself NOT as powerful as Bill or the situation. Which is simply a lie. If I was recognizing my power in the moment, I simply could not have felt that way.
And as I turned this situation over in my mind, I realized that I do this OFTEN. It's not just once in a while; it's many, many times throughout a day. I realized that I am in the habit of seeing myself as Less Than, not Equal To, and that, that leaves me understandably Frightened of what might happen next and so sometimes reactive and tense. If I see myself as not as powerful as what is around me, the stuff of Life basically, then of course, I'm going to be coming up with ways of trying to cope with that (self-created) feeling and regain a sense of control and power. And in the course of my life, my ways have included a lot of retreating, hiding, narrowing my range of experience to a manageable, familiar smallness.
For Sawyer, currently, he is in a pattern of doing the same. It's "no" to horseback riding lessons, it's no to pooping (this has temporarily shifted, Thank You Lord), it's "no" to going on a picnic, to working with Nicole (the young woman we hired to spend time with him, whom he LOVES). There are a lot of "no's" and not because he actually does not want the experiences, but I have to believe, perhaps, because, he like me has made himself LESS POWERFUL (in his own eyes) than the world around him. And so, the preference, as it certainly was for me as a child, is to try to greatly restrict or control the input from that powerful world. "No", in this context, becomes our attempt at regaining the power that we have unwittingly stripped from ourselves.
It is an old habit for me . I had always thought the world/the events/the people were MAKING me feeling less powerful, but this is not the case. It is in that moment of recognizing myself as Equal To, that I will relax and realize I have all I need, and Am all I need to be.
So, I will strive to think these new thoughts this week.
Hope everything is going great for each of you.
Much Love.
All is Well,
Jen
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Feeling Safe (written 7/4/07)
Hello fellow travelers. This week's big news is about Releasing - come see how it applies to TOE NAILS, FALLING ASLEEP, and FEELING SAFE .
Sawyer's had trouble falling asleep for a while now. Usually we put in him in bed at 8:30 and we can hear him talking and playing to himself for at least an hour. Often, when we go in to ask him to quiet down, we find him standing up, bouncing around. During the course of this time, of "going to sleep", he will come out of his room and attempt to strike up conversations with us out in the living room. Back when it seemed to be going on for a half hour or so, I was okay with it and assumed he was just getting his ya-ya's out before bed, but as it climbed towards an hour and over, with more and more visits from him, and less and less quiet, I have come to believe something needs to be done.
I found a CD called "Sleepy Kids 2". It was created by a hypnotist named Wendi Friesen . She takes the children on a guided imagery in which they meet a wizard and pick up magical stones etc. I ordered the CD , it arrived, and we used it that night and Sawyer conked out. I had to go in and remove the headphones from his head. The next night we used it again with similar results. The next night, he came out after it was over, crying. Why was he crying, I asked, as I tucked his sweaty, troubled self back into bed. "I love her, " he said. "I love her." Confused, I said, "You love Wendi Friesen?" He said, "I love her advice". I asked about what she says on the CD (as I haven't listened to it yet) and he explained she talks about feeling SAFE. Apparently, this was what he needed to hear.
It was then that I started understanding the nature of why he was resisting going to sleep. Although he's told me at different times, he was afraid, and I have walked him through his fears and helped him let them go, it wasn't clear to me that it was truly fear that was keeping him bouncing and talking and resisting sleep. So, now, I understood our task as not "getting Sawyer to go to sleep", but helping Sawyer learn how to focus his mind in such a way that makes him feel SAFE and SECURE. He loves her advice because he was comforted by her perspective; it resonated with him as the TRUTH, but obviously one he has trouble accessing and feeling on his own. One must let go in order to go to sleep. He needs to feel safe in order to let go and although there are external conditions that can either reinforce a feeling of safety and security or diminish it, ultimately feeling safe has to do with INTERNAL focus.
Here's one more about Letting Go and how resisting can keep you wound up.
Sometime in January, Max had an accident in which he slammed his big toe in a door. Although I was privy to the screaming, I was not actually present for the event (as Bill was). At the time, we did the usual application of ice and all our effort went into easing Max's physical and mental distress. The toe seemed bruised, but okay, and none of us thought much about it. I figured the nail would grow out and that would be that. Over the last few months, Max started getting kind of freaked out over the nail. It seemed darker and stranger looking and eventually, he realized it was coming loose. He broke the news to me with great solemnity. I told him that it was my guess that a new nail was growing underneath and that his body was just about done with the damaged old one. This gave him some comfort, and a visit to the doctor (his yearly) confirmed it, but still, he went on to pamper and baby that toe, fearful of the day the nail would come off. In fact, all his efforts were around trying to keep it from coming off, and prevent himself from having the sensation of it coming off or of possibly coming off.
I understood his feelings very well, as I can be equally squeamish, and was, even from a distance, having some trouble assimilating his blackened nail and its antics. I too, I thought , would most likely be pouring effort into "protecting" it and myself from Anything. So, he began by wrapping it in gauze to protect it, moved to wearing socks to bed, to protect it, was fearful of going swimming (in case it got knocked off) etc. There was much energy being poured into his dead toe nail.
Last night, he was collecting his things for his trip to R.I. (he is traveling there alone to visit his Grandma, cousins, Aunt, and Uncle), when Sawyer came out to say "Goodbye". We encouraged Sawyer to hug Max and when he went to do so, apparently he stepped on Max's Critical Toe! Max screamed and howled, not because there was pain, but, perhaps, at the idea of it and the further loosening of the nail. He kept on howling and Sawyer finally gave up on apologizing and went to bed. Bill and I felt a bit agitated as it seemed like Max was creating more drama out of the situation than need be. Soon I strove toward a more sympathetic stance and brought up the idea that perhaps it was time for that nail to go and that he might be a lot better off without it. The next time I looked over at him, he was quietly removing the nail, which, apparently, wasn't much of a task, ready as it was and probably had been for weeks. And so, it was done. And underneath, the beginnings of the NEW. And all was well. And in releasing the old - VOILA - he was relieved of WORRYING, STRIVING TO PROTECT, FEELING UNSAFE and a myriad of other feelings that were only serving to tax him.
All that resistance, all that protecting, all that effort had been poured into avoiding exactly what was most needed and appropriate, and in the end, left him feeling the most safe.
And so it is. Release the resistance ( the fight-against), and all you're left with is Calm, and in calm, there's that feeling of SAFETY and in safety one finds rest and embraces the NEW.
Have a great week everyone!
Lots of love.
All is well,
Jen
Sawyer's had trouble falling asleep for a while now. Usually we put in him in bed at 8:30 and we can hear him talking and playing to himself for at least an hour. Often, when we go in to ask him to quiet down, we find him standing up, bouncing around. During the course of this time, of "going to sleep", he will come out of his room and attempt to strike up conversations with us out in the living room. Back when it seemed to be going on for a half hour or so, I was okay with it and assumed he was just getting his ya-ya's out before bed, but as it climbed towards an hour and over, with more and more visits from him, and less and less quiet, I have come to believe something needs to be done.
I found a CD called "Sleepy Kids 2". It was created by a hypnotist named Wendi Friesen . She takes the children on a guided imagery in which they meet a wizard and pick up magical stones etc. I ordered the CD , it arrived, and we used it that night and Sawyer conked out. I had to go in and remove the headphones from his head. The next night we used it again with similar results. The next night, he came out after it was over, crying. Why was he crying, I asked, as I tucked his sweaty, troubled self back into bed. "I love her, " he said. "I love her." Confused, I said, "You love Wendi Friesen?" He said, "I love her advice". I asked about what she says on the CD (as I haven't listened to it yet) and he explained she talks about feeling SAFE. Apparently, this was what he needed to hear.
It was then that I started understanding the nature of why he was resisting going to sleep. Although he's told me at different times, he was afraid, and I have walked him through his fears and helped him let them go, it wasn't clear to me that it was truly fear that was keeping him bouncing and talking and resisting sleep. So, now, I understood our task as not "getting Sawyer to go to sleep", but helping Sawyer learn how to focus his mind in such a way that makes him feel SAFE and SECURE. He loves her advice because he was comforted by her perspective; it resonated with him as the TRUTH, but obviously one he has trouble accessing and feeling on his own. One must let go in order to go to sleep. He needs to feel safe in order to let go and although there are external conditions that can either reinforce a feeling of safety and security or diminish it, ultimately feeling safe has to do with INTERNAL focus.
Here's one more about Letting Go and how resisting can keep you wound up.
Sometime in January, Max had an accident in which he slammed his big toe in a door. Although I was privy to the screaming, I was not actually present for the event (as Bill was). At the time, we did the usual application of ice and all our effort went into easing Max's physical and mental distress. The toe seemed bruised, but okay, and none of us thought much about it. I figured the nail would grow out and that would be that. Over the last few months, Max started getting kind of freaked out over the nail. It seemed darker and stranger looking and eventually, he realized it was coming loose. He broke the news to me with great solemnity. I told him that it was my guess that a new nail was growing underneath and that his body was just about done with the damaged old one. This gave him some comfort, and a visit to the doctor (his yearly) confirmed it, but still, he went on to pamper and baby that toe, fearful of the day the nail would come off. In fact, all his efforts were around trying to keep it from coming off, and prevent himself from having the sensation of it coming off or of possibly coming off.
I understood his feelings very well, as I can be equally squeamish, and was, even from a distance, having some trouble assimilating his blackened nail and its antics. I too, I thought , would most likely be pouring effort into "protecting" it and myself from Anything. So, he began by wrapping it in gauze to protect it, moved to wearing socks to bed, to protect it, was fearful of going swimming (in case it got knocked off) etc. There was much energy being poured into his dead toe nail.
Last night, he was collecting his things for his trip to R.I. (he is traveling there alone to visit his Grandma, cousins, Aunt, and Uncle), when Sawyer came out to say "Goodbye". We encouraged Sawyer to hug Max and when he went to do so, apparently he stepped on Max's Critical Toe! Max screamed and howled, not because there was pain, but, perhaps, at the idea of it and the further loosening of the nail. He kept on howling and Sawyer finally gave up on apologizing and went to bed. Bill and I felt a bit agitated as it seemed like Max was creating more drama out of the situation than need be. Soon I strove toward a more sympathetic stance and brought up the idea that perhaps it was time for that nail to go and that he might be a lot better off without it. The next time I looked over at him, he was quietly removing the nail, which, apparently, wasn't much of a task, ready as it was and probably had been for weeks. And so, it was done. And underneath, the beginnings of the NEW. And all was well. And in releasing the old - VOILA - he was relieved of WORRYING, STRIVING TO PROTECT, FEELING UNSAFE and a myriad of other feelings that were only serving to tax him.
All that resistance, all that protecting, all that effort had been poured into avoiding exactly what was most needed and appropriate, and in the end, left him feeling the most safe.
And so it is. Release the resistance ( the fight-against), and all you're left with is Calm, and in calm, there's that feeling of SAFETY and in safety one finds rest and embraces the NEW.
Have a great week everyone!
Lots of love.
All is well,
Jen
Heading In the Right Direction (written 6/26/07)
Hello smart people. This week, the NEWS is about HEADING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION and what a great comfort that can be - if we let it.
Opportunity knocked again and I nervously looked through the peep hole to see what might be there. Turns out, it was a chance to go to an autograph signing party (with other authors, agents, editors) at the Pacific Northwest Writers Conference, as well as give a ninety minute presentation on another day, to conference participants. I was, to be honest, immediately grateful for the chance, and then immediately frightened. Bill, who is creating a magazine for the PNWA and has been given the (currently unpaid) position of Editor In Chief, brought me the news and told me I needed to give my answer soon.
Well, I have a history of not "flowing" well with change, or new things popping up and that old habit seized me by the throat and sent me whirling. Although there was a " yes" in me, my fear seemed to demand that I go many rounds of anxious over- thought on the matter. It was the fact that I've never spoken for ninety minutes before and the fact that I didn't know what I would talk about that was haunting me. It seemed unsafe even though I felt compelled to give it a whirl. The internal agony continued.
It's a strange thing, with our minds, how we can powerfully DECIDE where we're Going to Land, meaning we can decide how we're going to hold ourselves and our thoughts in relation to something/anything. Sometimes, I have grabbed hold of this ability, and then other times, I've felt a slave to old, frightened patterns of thought- as though a conveyor belt of unwanted experiences were inevitably on their way towards a powerless me. I wanted to know exactly what I was going to say at this presentation, and I wanted to feel exactly right and confident about it and then, I thought, I would be willing to give my "yes". But, it doesn't really work like this. There are no guarantees that stream to us from the outside; it is always a DECISION, always a matter of deciding where you want to land, regardless of external conditions and situations.
A while ago, I was reading a book and in it the man, Barry Kauffman (who runs the Son-Rise program for autistic kids) was trying to help out one of his staff. Her problem was that she was very worried that she was never going to meet a man and fall in love. This worry was consuming her and coloring her days. He asked her if he could guarantee that she would meet someone in six months, could she relax - would this end her angst? She said yes, that would be great. Then, he asked her if he could guarantee that she would meet someone in a year, would that be okay? She said, "yes". Then he asked her if two years would be okay. And she said that yes, if she absolutely for certain knew that she would meet this man in two years, she would be able to relax and be okay with waiting. And so, he wrote on a piece of paper that she would meet and fall in love with a man in two years, and he handed it to her. She held onto that paper for dear life and over the course of the next days, she was happier than she'd been in a long time. She started being more focused in her work, and everyone was noticing the positive changes in her. The story goes on, but the point is that once she gave herself permission to believe she was heading in the right direction, that what she wanted would come, she freed herself to be more present and create a richer experience NOW.
Another story from that same book talks about how a man came in to the office for some therapy-type work and prefaced their work with his announcement that in the course of their meeting he might have to take some medication because his back pain was severe and flared up often. As they were starting to get into things, sure enough, he began to seize up with pain and reached for his medication, explaining that it would just be a few minutes before he had some relief. Barry Kauffman watched as he put the medication to his lips and immediately seemed to relax and feel better. He asked the man about this, and the man admitted that it was strange - that the doctor had told him the medicine would start working after about twenty minutes, and yet, he always seemed to have immediate relief. Barry Kauffman asked him if he was in pain right then, and he said he was not.
The point is - whether it's a note saying that you're going to get and be and have what you want, or it's a pill that symbolizes that you are going to get to feel how you want ( = better), it's all the same. It is all the sense that we are Heading in the Right Direction that helps us relax and release the fear and pain.
And when I finally realized that no matter how this event goes, no matter what I say, or whether I make mistakes, or whether it goes great - or maybe I make mistakes and those mistakes lead to something great - no matter which way things go, no matter what happens, my initial "yes" came from the belief and the knowing that I am Heading in the Right Direction. And that's going to have to be enough, and if I focus upon that long enough, strangely, without all the details and assurances being filled in, that is enough. And this starts to make me more willing to take a risk.
I've always tried to master the details and rest and feel safe there, but there's a lot of stress for me in that process and I never really do end up feeling safe. When you decide where you want to land and you take a step, any step that you know in your heart is in the Right Direction of where you truly want to be(even if it may need to be revised a LOT later), you can find Reassurance and Comfort and the release of fear and pain in this, without external assurances.
I need to practice, but it's coming.
All my best to you.
All is Well.
Lots of love,
Jen
Opportunity knocked again and I nervously looked through the peep hole to see what might be there. Turns out, it was a chance to go to an autograph signing party (with other authors, agents, editors) at the Pacific Northwest Writers Conference, as well as give a ninety minute presentation on another day, to conference participants. I was, to be honest, immediately grateful for the chance, and then immediately frightened. Bill, who is creating a magazine for the PNWA and has been given the (currently unpaid) position of Editor In Chief, brought me the news and told me I needed to give my answer soon.
Well, I have a history of not "flowing" well with change, or new things popping up and that old habit seized me by the throat and sent me whirling. Although there was a " yes" in me, my fear seemed to demand that I go many rounds of anxious over- thought on the matter. It was the fact that I've never spoken for ninety minutes before and the fact that I didn't know what I would talk about that was haunting me. It seemed unsafe even though I felt compelled to give it a whirl. The internal agony continued.
It's a strange thing, with our minds, how we can powerfully DECIDE where we're Going to Land, meaning we can decide how we're going to hold ourselves and our thoughts in relation to something/anything. Sometimes, I have grabbed hold of this ability, and then other times, I've felt a slave to old, frightened patterns of thought- as though a conveyor belt of unwanted experiences were inevitably on their way towards a powerless me. I wanted to know exactly what I was going to say at this presentation, and I wanted to feel exactly right and confident about it and then, I thought, I would be willing to give my "yes". But, it doesn't really work like this. There are no guarantees that stream to us from the outside; it is always a DECISION, always a matter of deciding where you want to land, regardless of external conditions and situations.
A while ago, I was reading a book and in it the man, Barry Kauffman (who runs the Son-Rise program for autistic kids) was trying to help out one of his staff. Her problem was that she was very worried that she was never going to meet a man and fall in love. This worry was consuming her and coloring her days. He asked her if he could guarantee that she would meet someone in six months, could she relax - would this end her angst? She said yes, that would be great. Then, he asked her if he could guarantee that she would meet someone in a year, would that be okay? She said, "yes". Then he asked her if two years would be okay. And she said that yes, if she absolutely for certain knew that she would meet this man in two years, she would be able to relax and be okay with waiting. And so, he wrote on a piece of paper that she would meet and fall in love with a man in two years, and he handed it to her. She held onto that paper for dear life and over the course of the next days, she was happier than she'd been in a long time. She started being more focused in her work, and everyone was noticing the positive changes in her. The story goes on, but the point is that once she gave herself permission to believe she was heading in the right direction, that what she wanted would come, she freed herself to be more present and create a richer experience NOW.
Another story from that same book talks about how a man came in to the office for some therapy-type work and prefaced their work with his announcement that in the course of their meeting he might have to take some medication because his back pain was severe and flared up often. As they were starting to get into things, sure enough, he began to seize up with pain and reached for his medication, explaining that it would just be a few minutes before he had some relief. Barry Kauffman watched as he put the medication to his lips and immediately seemed to relax and feel better. He asked the man about this, and the man admitted that it was strange - that the doctor had told him the medicine would start working after about twenty minutes, and yet, he always seemed to have immediate relief. Barry Kauffman asked him if he was in pain right then, and he said he was not.
The point is - whether it's a note saying that you're going to get and be and have what you want, or it's a pill that symbolizes that you are going to get to feel how you want ( = better), it's all the same. It is all the sense that we are Heading in the Right Direction that helps us relax and release the fear and pain.
And when I finally realized that no matter how this event goes, no matter what I say, or whether I make mistakes, or whether it goes great - or maybe I make mistakes and those mistakes lead to something great - no matter which way things go, no matter what happens, my initial "yes" came from the belief and the knowing that I am Heading in the Right Direction. And that's going to have to be enough, and if I focus upon that long enough, strangely, without all the details and assurances being filled in, that is enough. And this starts to make me more willing to take a risk.
I've always tried to master the details and rest and feel safe there, but there's a lot of stress for me in that process and I never really do end up feeling safe. When you decide where you want to land and you take a step, any step that you know in your heart is in the Right Direction of where you truly want to be(even if it may need to be revised a LOT later), you can find Reassurance and Comfort and the release of fear and pain in this, without external assurances.
I need to practice, but it's coming.
All my best to you.
All is Well.
Lots of love,
Jen
A Story About You (written 6/18/07)
Good news people - I'm changing! Bad news - it's not unlike (what I imagine to be) the process of pulling a long splinter out of an elephant's foot. This week's NEWS will be about OPPORTUNITIES, creating a NEW STORY to tell about yourself, CHLOROPHYLL and other things you may not know you know and can do. You may be seated. Let us begin.
I was busier than usual this week. I had three scheduled book events. One was a school library presentation on Tuesday, another one of those on Friday (at another school) and the third, was a book-signing at a Borders Bookstore. The presentations involve a powerpoint display that has the pictures from the chapters I read. I also have a powerpoint presentation of how the character of Violet evolved (since my art school days)- that I show and talk about first.
My venturing out is a great example of how very BADLY a person can want to do something, and how very HARD that person can find doing what they most want to do. It seems unfair, but in my heart, I know the stress is only a product of the story I've told myself (about myself) for a long time, and an indicator of how that story needs to change.
So, three events: two presentations, one signing. Doesn't sound too bad at all. And it wasn't. The short report is everything went well. I loved being with the kids (there were well over a hundred at each event); they were eager to ask questions, tell me relevant and not-so-relevant things, listen and overall, be enthuised. Many kids at the second school even wore purple in homage to Violet, and they even chanted in how she always says "no" (at the appropriate time). The last event of the week was a trip to Borders Bookstore where I was seated at a table (there were other authors there as well), with a display of my books, bookmarks and give-away candies I'd brought, and waited for someone to come by. Bill was smart and suggested I draw pictures, sign them and give them away. And so , that is what I did. And although certainly awkward at times, it was good: good to have the chance to describe the story again freshly, good to see I could calm down long enough to steady my hand in order to draw, and good to see how people valued those drawings. I even sold some books!
With each event, I went through a brief melt-down moment beforehand. With the first school event, I'd thought I was ready and so hadn't given it much thought but when I went to practice it a bit with Bill (who was kind enough to run the presentation for me while I spoke), I realized I didn't feel comfortable with starting. I thought I'd known how to start, but all of a sudden (And I had to leave soon!) I felt self-conscious, awkward and unprepared (even though I was prepared). And so, panic arose fiercely and efficiently. MEAN JEN even came forward (do you remember her from last week?) and sort of kicked Bill out of the space and then cruelly ran my internal mental madness for a while. Soon, however, I got her out of the picture, calmed down enough to practice and remember I could do it, and brought Bill back in. It was fine. It was fine. . . breathe.
The second event was early in the morning on Friday, but luckily I was able to squeeze in a bit of distress Thursday night when my back spasmed. I have a long history with back "communications" - it started in my early to mid twenties, and have learned how to work through it/with it, and often connect the emotional components to the physical event. It wasn't shocking to me that this should happen (with all the self-doubt and anxiety floating around) - however, it was disconcerting to see my back continue to spasm off and on through the night (something I am not so familiar with).
The last event - the bookstore book signing - brought with it a mere (cliched) freak out over what to wear. My hand is upon the Bible, as I tell you now and forever, that I had nothing. There was "nothing" to wear - nothing worked- nothing looked right. And so it was that I finally, haphazardly threw on (in desperation) whatever I could, grabbed my supplies and headed out the door.
One more story - and then hopefully, I'll bring all this around to a conclusion.
The other day, I was standing in the kitchen. Max and Bill were sitting at the table. Max was talking away, presenting information, as he likes to do, when he asked: "What is it that makes plants green?" As I stood, preparing food at the counter, I heard myself blurt out: chlorophyll. There was shock and silence as Max concurred and Bill was confused. It wasn't so much that he didn't know the answer was chlorophyll(which he did not) or that it was all that impressive (many do know this), what he was shocked at was that I knew it. Why? Because he thinks I am a big dummy ? I think not. No, because he has listened to me describe myself as someone who is unable to retain informative facts of any kind. I have continually and repeatedly told the story of myself as inept at retaining political,historical, scientific information of any kind. That is the story I've told about myself and that is the story I've told other people, and that is the story they believe. Why would they doubt me? But I had to pause, at that moment, myself, and wonder just how accurate that story is. I've never really cared that much about that story, but maybe there are others that I do really care about that are actually doing some damage.
I'm thinking that I've been telling a story about my inability to support myself fully and go out in the world, alone and confident, for a long time. And so, of course when these opportunities come along, no matter how much I want what's behind the door labeled "Your Dream", I find myself running around half-naked searching for appropriate clothing, frantically practicing things I've already practice, and spasming my way through a wrestless night sleep. It is all part of an allergic reaction I have to that story, that's all.
The first definition of spasm has to do with muscles contracting; the second definition is this: a sudden burst of energy, activity, or emotion. Yes, emotion. More emotional reaction to that STORY.
And so - clearly, it's time to write a new story.
Good Luck in writing your own new stories this week!
All is Well.
Lots of love,
Jen
I was busier than usual this week. I had three scheduled book events. One was a school library presentation on Tuesday, another one of those on Friday (at another school) and the third, was a book-signing at a Borders Bookstore. The presentations involve a powerpoint display that has the pictures from the chapters I read. I also have a powerpoint presentation of how the character of Violet evolved (since my art school days)- that I show and talk about first.
My venturing out is a great example of how very BADLY a person can want to do something, and how very HARD that person can find doing what they most want to do. It seems unfair, but in my heart, I know the stress is only a product of the story I've told myself (about myself) for a long time, and an indicator of how that story needs to change.
So, three events: two presentations, one signing. Doesn't sound too bad at all. And it wasn't. The short report is everything went well. I loved being with the kids (there were well over a hundred at each event); they were eager to ask questions, tell me relevant and not-so-relevant things, listen and overall, be enthuised. Many kids at the second school even wore purple in homage to Violet, and they even chanted in how she always says "no" (at the appropriate time). The last event of the week was a trip to Borders Bookstore where I was seated at a table (there were other authors there as well), with a display of my books, bookmarks and give-away candies I'd brought, and waited for someone to come by. Bill was smart and suggested I draw pictures, sign them and give them away. And so , that is what I did. And although certainly awkward at times, it was good: good to have the chance to describe the story again freshly, good to see I could calm down long enough to steady my hand in order to draw, and good to see how people valued those drawings. I even sold some books!
With each event, I went through a brief melt-down moment beforehand. With the first school event, I'd thought I was ready and so hadn't given it much thought but when I went to practice it a bit with Bill (who was kind enough to run the presentation for me while I spoke), I realized I didn't feel comfortable with starting. I thought I'd known how to start, but all of a sudden (And I had to leave soon!) I felt self-conscious, awkward and unprepared (even though I was prepared). And so, panic arose fiercely and efficiently. MEAN JEN even came forward (do you remember her from last week?) and sort of kicked Bill out of the space and then cruelly ran my internal mental madness for a while. Soon, however, I got her out of the picture, calmed down enough to practice and remember I could do it, and brought Bill back in. It was fine. It was fine. . . breathe.
The second event was early in the morning on Friday, but luckily I was able to squeeze in a bit of distress Thursday night when my back spasmed. I have a long history with back "communications" - it started in my early to mid twenties, and have learned how to work through it/with it, and often connect the emotional components to the physical event. It wasn't shocking to me that this should happen (with all the self-doubt and anxiety floating around) - however, it was disconcerting to see my back continue to spasm off and on through the night (something I am not so familiar with).
The last event - the bookstore book signing - brought with it a mere (cliched) freak out over what to wear. My hand is upon the Bible, as I tell you now and forever, that I had nothing. There was "nothing" to wear - nothing worked- nothing looked right. And so it was that I finally, haphazardly threw on (in desperation) whatever I could, grabbed my supplies and headed out the door.
One more story - and then hopefully, I'll bring all this around to a conclusion.
The other day, I was standing in the kitchen. Max and Bill were sitting at the table. Max was talking away, presenting information, as he likes to do, when he asked: "What is it that makes plants green?" As I stood, preparing food at the counter, I heard myself blurt out: chlorophyll. There was shock and silence as Max concurred and Bill was confused. It wasn't so much that he didn't know the answer was chlorophyll(which he did not) or that it was all that impressive (many do know this), what he was shocked at was that I knew it. Why? Because he thinks I am a big dummy ? I think not. No, because he has listened to me describe myself as someone who is unable to retain informative facts of any kind. I have continually and repeatedly told the story of myself as inept at retaining political,historical, scientific information of any kind. That is the story I've told about myself and that is the story I've told other people, and that is the story they believe. Why would they doubt me? But I had to pause, at that moment, myself, and wonder just how accurate that story is. I've never really cared that much about that story, but maybe there are others that I do really care about that are actually doing some damage.
I'm thinking that I've been telling a story about my inability to support myself fully and go out in the world, alone and confident, for a long time. And so, of course when these opportunities come along, no matter how much I want what's behind the door labeled "Your Dream", I find myself running around half-naked searching for appropriate clothing, frantically practicing things I've already practice, and spasming my way through a wrestless night sleep. It is all part of an allergic reaction I have to that story, that's all.
The first definition of spasm has to do with muscles contracting; the second definition is this: a sudden burst of energy, activity, or emotion. Yes, emotion. More emotional reaction to that STORY.
And so - clearly, it's time to write a new story.
Good Luck in writing your own new stories this week!
All is Well.
Lots of love,
Jen
Monday, June 18, 2007
Learning To Hold Still (written 6/11/07)
Hello you striving people. Keep up the good work! This week meet: MEAN JEN, learn about Walking in Circles, Changing Your Colors, and learning to Hold Still. That should do it - let's get going!
"MEAN JEN" emerged this week with fury and power. Step back, people, it's never pretty. On Thursday, Bill and I took to painting our bedroom. Because we had painted Max's room (as a requested Birthday gift), we now felt more motivated and competent to take on our own pitiful, dirty white walls. We selected the colors; Bill efficiently picked up the paint on Monday and we made our plans.
I was fine through the moving of the furniture. Fine through taking down the horrible, broken giant blinds that we wish would go away but for which we have no replacement. I was fine through the negotiations of space, cleaning the walls, covering things with tarps etc. But when I opened that first can of paint, MEAN JEN emerged. And she was focused. Apparently (according to MEAN JEN), Bill had gotten the wrong kind of finish on the white paint for the woodwork and even though we soon discovered we had more of the right kind, MEAN JEN rose (and stayed looming) like a powerful, frightening moon over our endeavor.
Here's why. When I start painting (and it's always when I start), a sense of Perfectionistic Pressure descends upon me. Painting seems like an exacting undertaking, like there is a clear right and wrong - easily visible to anyone looking at the room. And MEAN JEN comes out in response to this notion of Exactingness. She doesn't respond well to it, in fact, she is created in response to the impossible pressure she feels in relation to it. So, although she is mean (and she is), it is all because of this feeling of pressure, and having to get it right, and being afraid she cannot. By the way, Bill has a side that can be a bit tuned-out at times, let's call him: DISTRACTED BILL. MEAN JEN is particularly MEAN in relation to DISTRACTED BILL , for he seems to represent all lack of control over the impossible task of Getting It Right.
Last year, when I was finishing up my drawings for my book, I went through a similar thing. Every time I would go to ink my pencil drawings, my hand would shake. And the more I thought about getting the task "right", the more impossible it seemed. "How could I even hope to get the ink on evenly? How could I hold my hand still?" I wept and moped and psyched myself out.
The question I should have been asking was "How do I hold myself still?" for that was what I really needed to know. When I'm facing the new, undertaking change - how do I hold myself still and quiet so that I can relax and be at ease with the process? Not - "How do I get this right?", but "How do I get in right relation to myself?" Gentleness? Kindness? Compassion? Encouragement? What's it going to take to reassure your scared self?
This week, also, Max went on a day trip to Victoria, B.C. with my Mom (this was her birthday gift to him). The night before, I took him to her house to sleep over as they were going to have to get a very early start in the morning. It was close to 9:00 (his bed time) and we entered the house ( my Mom was out and would be back in about an hour) and got him situated in the guest room downstairs. He started watching a televised movie. I warned him about the time, but he asked for more. I let it go a little, but then started pressing the issue. He wasn't budging. I was getting frustrated. It was 9:30. I got him to brush his teeth, but then he would not go to bed. He insisted I leave (the plan had been for me to stay until my Mom arrived ). I said I thought he just wanted me to leave so he could watch the rest of the movie. I went upstairs to read and wait; he followed me and started walking frantically in circles in front of me. He told me his intention was to drive me into such an irritated state that I finally left. And it was working. I was in one of the most irritated, upset states I've been in, in a very long time, however, the more he persisted, the more I felt like I couldn't leave.
It gets uglier. . . and uglier. I was not proud of how I behaved, although a couple times I almost found my footing, my stillness. But, overall, I was REACTING. I did not want to feel CONTROLLED by him. In the back of my mind, I knew, also, that he did not want to feel CONTROLLED by me. There was a part of me wanting him to get to be alone, a part wanting him to get to the watch the end of the movie (because it would be fun and special), but then there was another part, perhaps Max would describe her as MEAN JEN, who wanted, I admit it, control. In the end, I called Bill because of how things had escalated, and he asked to speak with Max. I sat down and read (and listened to the conversation). At one point, Max said something about how it would never resolve because neither one of us would ever give in. It was then, that I decided, that even though it was late, I would listen to the side of me willing to be easier with things. The idea that I was currently part of an impossibly locked down two-some was not reflective of who I wanted to be. I stood up, put on my coat, grabbed my things and told Max we'd work it out later. And that seemed to feel okay. And then I left - not angry.
Here's my point: Max had some new things on his plate; he was about to have a bit of an adventure. My guess is: MEAN MAX emerged for much the same reason that MEAN JEN came out during painting: Something NEW was being brought into the fold and the feeling of pressure for things to go right was descending upon him. And so, he, like my darker side, was attempting to take control however he could.
At one point, Max told me he wanted me to leave because he wanted "a sense of accomplishment" and I think that means he wanted to feel in-charge and capable. Yes, me too. I think I should have encouraged him in this, and encouraged MEAN JEN and perhaps, then, Changing Colors would have gone that much smoother from start to finish. For both me and Max.
I hope you guys have a great week!
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen
"MEAN JEN" emerged this week with fury and power. Step back, people, it's never pretty. On Thursday, Bill and I took to painting our bedroom. Because we had painted Max's room (as a requested Birthday gift), we now felt more motivated and competent to take on our own pitiful, dirty white walls. We selected the colors; Bill efficiently picked up the paint on Monday and we made our plans.
I was fine through the moving of the furniture. Fine through taking down the horrible, broken giant blinds that we wish would go away but for which we have no replacement. I was fine through the negotiations of space, cleaning the walls, covering things with tarps etc. But when I opened that first can of paint, MEAN JEN emerged. And she was focused. Apparently (according to MEAN JEN), Bill had gotten the wrong kind of finish on the white paint for the woodwork and even though we soon discovered we had more of the right kind, MEAN JEN rose (and stayed looming) like a powerful, frightening moon over our endeavor.
Here's why. When I start painting (and it's always when I start), a sense of Perfectionistic Pressure descends upon me. Painting seems like an exacting undertaking, like there is a clear right and wrong - easily visible to anyone looking at the room. And MEAN JEN comes out in response to this notion of Exactingness. She doesn't respond well to it, in fact, she is created in response to the impossible pressure she feels in relation to it. So, although she is mean (and she is), it is all because of this feeling of pressure, and having to get it right, and being afraid she cannot. By the way, Bill has a side that can be a bit tuned-out at times, let's call him: DISTRACTED BILL. MEAN JEN is particularly MEAN in relation to DISTRACTED BILL , for he seems to represent all lack of control over the impossible task of Getting It Right.
Last year, when I was finishing up my drawings for my book, I went through a similar thing. Every time I would go to ink my pencil drawings, my hand would shake. And the more I thought about getting the task "right", the more impossible it seemed. "How could I even hope to get the ink on evenly? How could I hold my hand still?" I wept and moped and psyched myself out.
The question I should have been asking was "How do I hold myself still?" for that was what I really needed to know. When I'm facing the new, undertaking change - how do I hold myself still and quiet so that I can relax and be at ease with the process? Not - "How do I get this right?", but "How do I get in right relation to myself?" Gentleness? Kindness? Compassion? Encouragement? What's it going to take to reassure your scared self?
This week, also, Max went on a day trip to Victoria, B.C. with my Mom (this was her birthday gift to him). The night before, I took him to her house to sleep over as they were going to have to get a very early start in the morning. It was close to 9:00 (his bed time) and we entered the house ( my Mom was out and would be back in about an hour) and got him situated in the guest room downstairs. He started watching a televised movie. I warned him about the time, but he asked for more. I let it go a little, but then started pressing the issue. He wasn't budging. I was getting frustrated. It was 9:30. I got him to brush his teeth, but then he would not go to bed. He insisted I leave (the plan had been for me to stay until my Mom arrived ). I said I thought he just wanted me to leave so he could watch the rest of the movie. I went upstairs to read and wait; he followed me and started walking frantically in circles in front of me. He told me his intention was to drive me into such an irritated state that I finally left. And it was working. I was in one of the most irritated, upset states I've been in, in a very long time, however, the more he persisted, the more I felt like I couldn't leave.
It gets uglier. . . and uglier. I was not proud of how I behaved, although a couple times I almost found my footing, my stillness. But, overall, I was REACTING. I did not want to feel CONTROLLED by him. In the back of my mind, I knew, also, that he did not want to feel CONTROLLED by me. There was a part of me wanting him to get to be alone, a part wanting him to get to the watch the end of the movie (because it would be fun and special), but then there was another part, perhaps Max would describe her as MEAN JEN, who wanted, I admit it, control. In the end, I called Bill because of how things had escalated, and he asked to speak with Max. I sat down and read (and listened to the conversation). At one point, Max said something about how it would never resolve because neither one of us would ever give in. It was then, that I decided, that even though it was late, I would listen to the side of me willing to be easier with things. The idea that I was currently part of an impossibly locked down two-some was not reflective of who I wanted to be. I stood up, put on my coat, grabbed my things and told Max we'd work it out later. And that seemed to feel okay. And then I left - not angry.
Here's my point: Max had some new things on his plate; he was about to have a bit of an adventure. My guess is: MEAN MAX emerged for much the same reason that MEAN JEN came out during painting: Something NEW was being brought into the fold and the feeling of pressure for things to go right was descending upon him. And so, he, like my darker side, was attempting to take control however he could.
At one point, Max told me he wanted me to leave because he wanted "a sense of accomplishment" and I think that means he wanted to feel in-charge and capable. Yes, me too. I think I should have encouraged him in this, and encouraged MEAN JEN and perhaps, then, Changing Colors would have gone that much smoother from start to finish. For both me and Max.
I hope you guys have a great week!
Lots of love.
All is Well,
Jen
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Not Everyone is in Agreement
This week the NEWS is about HELP (and what kind you actually need), Inner Resources and Outer Resources, and Choices in "Realities". HERE WE GO!
Friday, I received a call from Kay Stotesbury at the DDD. The DDD stands for the Division of Developmental Disabilities. About a year ago, I geared up and collected all the paper work, filled in the forms, and submitted an application to the DDD for (my eight year old son) Sawyer. The idea was that if they found him eligible they might provide some funds for us to pay for extra support (in terms of more speech/language therapy, occupational therapy, or any other kind of therapy that might be helpful - maybe some kind of therapy for working through any strained feelings he might have about having so many therapies!)
I did this in a slow fashion, but eventually accomplished my goal. And then I waited. I waited an inordinate amount of time. I think I waited so long first, because I expected them to notify me of their decision, and second because I believed it to be a long shot, but still worth a try. A few months ago, I finally decided to give them a call. As it turned out, there were more reports and paperwork they needed. So, then I set to the task of getting copies of various evaluations and mailing them off . Eventually, having heard nothing, I called again. Kay told me to talk to Chris. Chris was not in, so I left a message. Chris never called me back. When I called Chris again, I got a message letting me know he'd be out of for the week. Next, I left a message for Kay. Friday, she called me and let me know there were a couple glitches in Sawyer's eligibility.
One, she said, was that there was no documentation of delays early in his development. I told her I could most likely get that documentation. Another had to do with the fact that not everyone seems to agree he is Autistic. (Even though the University of Washington Autism Center diagnosed him, this was tough to argue, as I myself don't really believe it- but more on that later). More to the point, she went on, he had to have been assessed using one of three tests (which she named off). And he had been, but the problem is he had scored an 82. What he needed was a 69 or below in "Adaptability".
I told her it was difficult to be truly disappointed, as I was quite glad he'd scored higher.
The phone call got me thinking and I thought about how, in regards to Sawyer, I hold several "realities" at the same time. One is that he's fine. Another is he's great. The next is that he's DIFFERENT than other kids but that, it seems like that's better in some way, and the last is that he's Autistic, or at least, that he's been diagnosed as such. I watch him, I talk to him, I play with him, I try as best I can to answer his wonderful intelligent questions. I see the best quality in him of striving to learn, wanting to understand more, and I see the best quality of human being pushing forth, reaching to grow and love and I know everything is okay. I also see quirks and habitual tendencies, awkwardness, social inabilities, challenges and difficulties.
And so, I hold all realities at once. But when Kay Stotesbury reminded me that not everyone agrees he is Autistic and that his "Adaptability" score (whatever that means exactly) is too high to be helped, it made me happy and want to emphasize his ability more than the other. I felt as though she was giving me good news, actually, because of course, the REALITY I'm most interested in is the one in which he needs very little outside help, and all the resources he truly needs are WITHIN him. For that is what I already actually believe.
There is a heart's view on things, which is looking at yourself, others, and your experience from the Inside- out and allowing the best part of yourself to be the lens that structures your reality and your experience of that reality. And then there is the Outside-In View which looks at life from an external vantage point, guessing at how it's perceived and operating as though it must acquiesce to whatever comes with no real influence on how you feel or what you experience.
When I was a girl, I remember sitting on my bed and happening to glance over at my reflection in the full-length mirror hanging on my bedroom door. I had already decided , by that time, that I wasn't pretty and I was cultivating plenty of insecurity around my appearance, but at that moment, I looked over and saw myself as beautiful. It was a quick and fleeting thought, though, because practically as quickly as I could think it, I tagged it. And this is what the tag said: "Yes, but it seems no one else thinks so. And so, that is the truth with which I've got to contend."
But is it?
There is always "evidence" to be found to support your belief. The question is WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BELIEVE? AND WHAT DOES OUR HEART - THE INSIDE-OUT VIEW - SHOW US? Because if you choose to believe what your heart is showing you, soon enough you will find the "evidence" to support that. And wouldn't you rather live that, than the other? As Kay Stotesbury said, "Not everyone is in agreement." So, decide what version of reality YOU want.
Lots of love,
All is Well.
Jen
Friday, I received a call from Kay Stotesbury at the DDD. The DDD stands for the Division of Developmental Disabilities. About a year ago, I geared up and collected all the paper work, filled in the forms, and submitted an application to the DDD for (my eight year old son) Sawyer. The idea was that if they found him eligible they might provide some funds for us to pay for extra support (in terms of more speech/language therapy, occupational therapy, or any other kind of therapy that might be helpful - maybe some kind of therapy for working through any strained feelings he might have about having so many therapies!)
I did this in a slow fashion, but eventually accomplished my goal. And then I waited. I waited an inordinate amount of time. I think I waited so long first, because I expected them to notify me of their decision, and second because I believed it to be a long shot, but still worth a try. A few months ago, I finally decided to give them a call. As it turned out, there were more reports and paperwork they needed. So, then I set to the task of getting copies of various evaluations and mailing them off . Eventually, having heard nothing, I called again. Kay told me to talk to Chris. Chris was not in, so I left a message. Chris never called me back. When I called Chris again, I got a message letting me know he'd be out of for the week. Next, I left a message for Kay. Friday, she called me and let me know there were a couple glitches in Sawyer's eligibility.
One, she said, was that there was no documentation of delays early in his development. I told her I could most likely get that documentation. Another had to do with the fact that not everyone seems to agree he is Autistic. (Even though the University of Washington Autism Center diagnosed him, this was tough to argue, as I myself don't really believe it- but more on that later). More to the point, she went on, he had to have been assessed using one of three tests (which she named off). And he had been, but the problem is he had scored an 82. What he needed was a 69 or below in "Adaptability".
I told her it was difficult to be truly disappointed, as I was quite glad he'd scored higher.
The phone call got me thinking and I thought about how, in regards to Sawyer, I hold several "realities" at the same time. One is that he's fine. Another is he's great. The next is that he's DIFFERENT than other kids but that, it seems like that's better in some way, and the last is that he's Autistic, or at least, that he's been diagnosed as such. I watch him, I talk to him, I play with him, I try as best I can to answer his wonderful intelligent questions. I see the best quality in him of striving to learn, wanting to understand more, and I see the best quality of human being pushing forth, reaching to grow and love and I know everything is okay. I also see quirks and habitual tendencies, awkwardness, social inabilities, challenges and difficulties.
And so, I hold all realities at once. But when Kay Stotesbury reminded me that not everyone agrees he is Autistic and that his "Adaptability" score (whatever that means exactly) is too high to be helped, it made me happy and want to emphasize his ability more than the other. I felt as though she was giving me good news, actually, because of course, the REALITY I'm most interested in is the one in which he needs very little outside help, and all the resources he truly needs are WITHIN him. For that is what I already actually believe.
There is a heart's view on things, which is looking at yourself, others, and your experience from the Inside- out and allowing the best part of yourself to be the lens that structures your reality and your experience of that reality. And then there is the Outside-In View which looks at life from an external vantage point, guessing at how it's perceived and operating as though it must acquiesce to whatever comes with no real influence on how you feel or what you experience.
When I was a girl, I remember sitting on my bed and happening to glance over at my reflection in the full-length mirror hanging on my bedroom door. I had already decided , by that time, that I wasn't pretty and I was cultivating plenty of insecurity around my appearance, but at that moment, I looked over and saw myself as beautiful. It was a quick and fleeting thought, though, because practically as quickly as I could think it, I tagged it. And this is what the tag said: "Yes, but it seems no one else thinks so. And so, that is the truth with which I've got to contend."
But is it?
There is always "evidence" to be found to support your belief. The question is WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BELIEVE? AND WHAT DOES OUR HEART - THE INSIDE-OUT VIEW - SHOW US? Because if you choose to believe what your heart is showing you, soon enough you will find the "evidence" to support that. And wouldn't you rather live that, than the other? As Kay Stotesbury said, "Not everyone is in agreement." So, decide what version of reality YOU want.
Lots of love,
All is Well.
Jen
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Waiting For the Sneeze (written 5/28/07)
Hello great peoples. This week I am thinking about Rejection, Withholding, and Sneezes. So, let's kick into gear and do it!
This week, Bill has received several rejection letters from agents in regards to his most recent novel he's currently sending out. Emotionally, he has come a long way in terms of coping with a process he has often considered frustrating and painful. I've seen him receive other letters of this nature and seen him take charge of his thoughts and emotions and simply not take himself to the bad place conclusion. This week, however, it was more challenging and he found himself , as I sometimes say, "at the bottom of the pond". He went with it. He went with the old thought that What He Wants is simply not to be. What could be more painful than that? And then, he started blaming himself, looking for the ways in which he has been "wrong" or had done something "wrong" because why else would he be "failing?"
Bill's pain wasn't the inevitable outcome of some rejection letters (as he's received others before and not been take so low), it was a result of rejecting himself at that moment and wanting to Control what was happening outside of him which leads one to a place of despair and feeling powerless.
This week, also, Sawyer took a somewhat unofficial, yet powerful stand against Moving his Bowels. And so, much of the week was spent with us as eye-witnesses to his dedicated state of Withholding. And it wasn't pretty a couple times, as there is only so much the body will tolerate before it starts to DEMAND you do the right thing by it. But still, he continued, until finally one day when Bill was arguing with him and asking that he sit upon the mighty throne once again, Sawyer howled out, "I AM GOING TO DO IT MY WAY!" I looked at Bill. There it was, couldn't be any clearer. Yes, of course, he has to do it his way, and of course he has to be in command, and of course, that is what every parent wants for their child -that the child take the reigns and lead themselves, guide themselves, trust themselves, make choices, decisions, pathways for themselves. Autonomy is the name of the game, always, in parenting, for one is always striving to help the child become more able to act independent of you. Here's the catch.
Sawyer's approach to obtaining a sense of Command was not unlike the approach many of us try. He decided to take charge by trying to Control SOMETHING. He chose a bodily function. But the problem was, the more he tried to Control, the more out of control he began to feel, and the more out of control the thing he was trying to control became. The sense of safety and command-over that he wanted became more and more elusive as what he really wanted was to feel his own authentic POWER not, actually, power over externals.
Both Bill and Sawyer wanted a sense of their own power, and both fell into a pattern of trying to control in order to feel it. Bill felt that the letters were standing between him and feeling good and so he inadvertently started rejecting the rejectors and then rejecting himself in order to gain some feeling of power. But rejecting himself just made him feel awful. Sawyer, also, wanted control over how he was feeling, but the tact he took was also a BATTLE AGAINST HIMSELF, and one which he was sure to lose.
Recently, I found myself thinking of an old song I used to listen to when I was a kid. It is a Barbra Streisand song in which she describes wanting diamonds, fancy gowns, hats with plumes etc. (as a child). And she determines that if she should sneeze, it will all come to her. So, she begs the powers that be to let her sneeze. Then, the song goes on to describe how time passes and she's realized she doesn't really want all those things. And she sings her decision, "Once I was slave to a sneeze, but sneezing it just a disease. A rose is a rose, and a nose, just a nose."
We often think that if we can just GET something, or STOP something from happening, or BE something different than we are, we will be happy. If we can just control the externals, we'll be able to feel good, finally. But that is just our "sneeze" we're waiting for. Whether it's rejection letters, or our body, or our child's behavior, or the way we look, or the way another person has responded to us, we're still a slave to waiting for something outside us, or trying to control something outside us in order to feel good.
Sawyer did it "his way" but of course, he could have done it his way and not put himself (and his body) under that stress.
So, this week, I want to do it my way, without putting myself under the stress of BATTLING AGAINST anything (myself included). And, in this way, THRIVE. And, of course, I wish the same for all of you!
Lots of love.
All is Well.
Jen
This week, Bill has received several rejection letters from agents in regards to his most recent novel he's currently sending out. Emotionally, he has come a long way in terms of coping with a process he has often considered frustrating and painful. I've seen him receive other letters of this nature and seen him take charge of his thoughts and emotions and simply not take himself to the bad place conclusion. This week, however, it was more challenging and he found himself , as I sometimes say, "at the bottom of the pond". He went with it. He went with the old thought that What He Wants is simply not to be. What could be more painful than that? And then, he started blaming himself, looking for the ways in which he has been "wrong" or had done something "wrong" because why else would he be "failing?"
Bill's pain wasn't the inevitable outcome of some rejection letters (as he's received others before and not been take so low), it was a result of rejecting himself at that moment and wanting to Control what was happening outside of him which leads one to a place of despair and feeling powerless.
This week, also, Sawyer took a somewhat unofficial, yet powerful stand against Moving his Bowels. And so, much of the week was spent with us as eye-witnesses to his dedicated state of Withholding. And it wasn't pretty a couple times, as there is only so much the body will tolerate before it starts to DEMAND you do the right thing by it. But still, he continued, until finally one day when Bill was arguing with him and asking that he sit upon the mighty throne once again, Sawyer howled out, "I AM GOING TO DO IT MY WAY!" I looked at Bill. There it was, couldn't be any clearer. Yes, of course, he has to do it his way, and of course he has to be in command, and of course, that is what every parent wants for their child -that the child take the reigns and lead themselves, guide themselves, trust themselves, make choices, decisions, pathways for themselves. Autonomy is the name of the game, always, in parenting, for one is always striving to help the child become more able to act independent of you. Here's the catch.
Sawyer's approach to obtaining a sense of Command was not unlike the approach many of us try. He decided to take charge by trying to Control SOMETHING. He chose a bodily function. But the problem was, the more he tried to Control, the more out of control he began to feel, and the more out of control the thing he was trying to control became. The sense of safety and command-over that he wanted became more and more elusive as what he really wanted was to feel his own authentic POWER not, actually, power over externals.
Both Bill and Sawyer wanted a sense of their own power, and both fell into a pattern of trying to control in order to feel it. Bill felt that the letters were standing between him and feeling good and so he inadvertently started rejecting the rejectors and then rejecting himself in order to gain some feeling of power. But rejecting himself just made him feel awful. Sawyer, also, wanted control over how he was feeling, but the tact he took was also a BATTLE AGAINST HIMSELF, and one which he was sure to lose.
Recently, I found myself thinking of an old song I used to listen to when I was a kid. It is a Barbra Streisand song in which she describes wanting diamonds, fancy gowns, hats with plumes etc. (as a child). And she determines that if she should sneeze, it will all come to her. So, she begs the powers that be to let her sneeze. Then, the song goes on to describe how time passes and she's realized she doesn't really want all those things. And she sings her decision, "Once I was slave to a sneeze, but sneezing it just a disease. A rose is a rose, and a nose, just a nose."
We often think that if we can just GET something, or STOP something from happening, or BE something different than we are, we will be happy. If we can just control the externals, we'll be able to feel good, finally. But that is just our "sneeze" we're waiting for. Whether it's rejection letters, or our body, or our child's behavior, or the way we look, or the way another person has responded to us, we're still a slave to waiting for something outside us, or trying to control something outside us in order to feel good.
Sawyer did it "his way" but of course, he could have done it his way and not put himself (and his body) under that stress.
So, this week, I want to do it my way, without putting myself under the stress of BATTLING AGAINST anything (myself included). And, in this way, THRIVE. And, of course, I wish the same for all of you!
Lots of love.
All is Well.
Jen
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