Flexibility (written 11/27/06)

Today's JEN NEWS is a little different for during the writing of it something happened that I now feel compelled to include.
Here goes.

I was writing about my turned ankle and how in impairing my ability to go forward - physically, I've realized how much I truly want to continue to go forward and change, despite any reticence or inflexibility on my part, emotionally. Interestingly, one of the first things I was unhappy about in regards to my ankle, was that it would not allow for me to wear my new skirts with my boots - something I have yet to take out for a spin. It's been very clear to me over these last weeks, just how much I do want to go forward, as I've had to contend with not being able to physically. Sometimes, restriction or even Loss can remind us of our original choice - THAT we wanted it and WHY we wanted it.

I had moved on to writing about a time when I injured my right wrist. I hurt it lifting a bed, but was doing a lot of writing and drawing at that time, and suddenly found myself unable to work, wearing two wrist supports at a time, in pain every time I held a pen. The wrist took a long time to heal, and wasn't doing well even after physical therapy. Only when I fully acknowledged how much I wanted to do my work, was I able to work through the pain and heal. I had been writing and drawing because I wanted to at core, but had started getting anxious and pushing myself - working myself without appreciation, compassion or gratitude . I was in a slave/slave driver relationship to myself, disconnected from the reason I was doing the work. When I became reconnected, I started caring about myself again, was able to care for my wrist (that helped produce the work in the first place) and I healed - on two fronts: physically and emotionally, from my mistreatment of myself.

As I was writing all this - after I had completed quite a bit- the computer started eating word after word of what I had written. At first I was alarmed, but assumed I had pressed a wrong combination of buttons and that it would stop. After trying a few buttons and clicking on different things, I WENT CRAZY and started screaming and shouting wildly , realizing that not only did I not know what to do, but that I couldn't stop it. Eventually I retrieved Bill (unpleasant for him, suffice it to say), he did what he could and we were able to save a messed up piece of it.

Now here's the deal: flexibility is important. It's important in your ankles so you can take literal steps forward; it's important in your mind set and your emotional life, so you can take steps in order to grow as a person. When loss (of control) occurs - when your ankle turns, or your computer eats what you're writing, this appears obnoxious, aggravating or even depressing or sorrowful (depending upon the event). But the truth is that INFLEXIBILITY can actually create these events or make them crazy bad, and FLEXIBILITY makes them part of a process. Flexibility always means the opportunity for movement and change, and that's good. Whatever next step I take, if I remain flexible, I am developing my ability to MOVE WITH where life can take me, and where I can take myself. Even a seemingly obnoxious event can remind me that I want to continue and the reasons for doing so that are meaningful to me.

I'm grateful for the ankle; it's a slow process but it's a process of Remembering, from the heart, why I want what I want, so that the next steps can be taken with willingness and flexibility. And that sounds good enough for me.

Lots of love sweet people.
All is well,
Jen