What's Wrong With Robby Lewenstein? (written 3/21/08)

Hello Jen News recipients! I have been working on another story and so have no been so inclined to write weekly, but I'd still like to continue.

This week in the NEWS. . . What's wrong with Robby Lewenstein? Jen is Happy Even Though Her Child Throws Up Repeatedly, and finally, The Voice that Speaks Drama. Grab a cup of tea (not too roughly) and join me, won't you?

Years and years and years ago (about ten years into my time here on planet earth), I remember riding the school bus home and talking with some friends as Robby Lewenstein got off at his stop. Robby was a dark, fuzzy headed individual with a fair, soft complexion and a body which was not fat, but remained undefined and seemingly out of focus. He was not an energetic presence. As we watched him distractedly rise from his seat and awkwardly approach the doors of the bus, we engaged in energized discussion and thought that was of this fabric:

"He eats paste you know. Have you seen him? It is reported that he eats paste. I've seen him. Gross. (All concur). He picks his nose and eats it (general repulsion). Have you seen him? Have there been actual witnesses? We would never eat paste. Why would you eat paste? We would never pick our noses and eat it - that's disgusting, that's bad, that's gross. What is wrong with Robby Lewenstein? Why does Robby Lewenstein behave in this way? We should shun Robby Lewenstein; we should ignore him. We should not engage with him at all. He is his actions. Those actions are gross and we cannot distinguish Robby Lewenstein from his actions."

When we are feeling uncomfortable, unsafe, or distressed, it is not uncommon for us to ask ourselves What is Wrong?
What is wrong with Me? What's Wrong With You? What is Wrong with Him/Her?
And then, we spend a lot of time pondering this until we're really miserable. Because when we ask our brains the question What is Wrong, like an obedient dog, it runs to fetch everything that could conceivably be perceived as wrong . And we asked for it. And then, with this evidence, we believe this truth of "Wrongness" has been validated - scientifically proven. When, in fact, we could have just as easily asked what is right and been brought evidence of that.

When I think of how we related to Robby, I think of the ways in which we relate to ourselves. Understanding that we are not what we do; we are not what we think, or even how we present takes much more intelligence than sitting in judgment of another or ourselves. When we ask what is wrong with us or others, we set ourselves on a path of Not Seeing for we are participating in a kind of negativity rain dance, summoning the powers of dark thinking to enlighten us. And it doesn't work that way. No dark thoughts are going to help us see and understand better - not about ourselves, and not about others. And even though "What's Wrong?" seems to pose as a kind of important alarm system letting us know we need to fix something, jump into action or protect ourselves, the truth is what we need and want to do next is always much clearer from an unalarmed position. So, whether we're reacting to Robby Lewenstein or to some quality in ourselves we think is "wrong", we are identifying with wrongness, not the wholeness of who we really are. And as long as we have made ourselves or another wrong, we will never feel at peace, for no clarity, vision, or inspired action can arise from this mental position.

The other night, when I came into Sawyer's room to read with him before bed time, he was lying down under his covers. Usually, he is jumping around with two or three toys out, writing something, drawing, or building, with pieces of things all around him. What was wrong? Something was wrong. As the evening wore on, and Sawyer started vomiting and I started running around to grab paper towels, cleanser, towels, a large pot etc, I heard my mind bring me What Was Wrong.

"He's sick!!! And you might get sick too -ooh, imagine that. Do you want to be throwing up like this?! And what about Bill? Maybe Max will get it too? WASH YOUR HANDS. Wash them again. You really can't wash them enough. This is miserable. Oh, disgusting, revolting; awful; poor guy; poor me."

But as I was carrying the dirty blankets and towels to the laundry, some how, something happened in which the voice that spoke the Drama became separate from ME and I realized, I was still happy. Even though my child was sick and throwing up - repeatedly - I was still happy. I felt this rush of love for Sawyer (not worry or concern) and for life, and I was aware, suddenly, of his HEALTH and the strength of his body. I felt happy being alive and glad to be able to take care of him. And I felt like none of the details mattered. And this, fellow people, is not my usual M.O. Some how, without even being fully conscious of it, I had named The Drama Thought ("It's all wrong!") and in doing so, had stepped outside of it and what was happening ceased to affect my general state of well-being. The event, itself, had no power to pull me down, apparently, it was only the knee-jerk reactive thought that could do that - and I had already separated from that. I highly recommend this.

When we separate off from a thought, which is never who we are, it's like starting fresh; it's a clean slate on any situation or ourselves. We are not beholden to seeing ourselves or our situation in any particular way regardless of what is happening, we are free.
So, this week, see if you can feel how happy you really are, once separated from the big dramatic, reactive thought - whatever it is. It is very reassuring - much better than asking What's Wrong and trying to fix it.

With Much Love.
All is Well,
Jen